Friday, October 23, 2009

The Most Heinous Thing You Will See Today...Or Not

As most of you know, I sell sex toys as a hobby. At some point, I will decide actually get serious about it and make enough money to be able to quit nursing and be the next Dr. Sue. Thus far, I've started doing a radio segment once a week to discuss all things sex.

I do this because I want people to be empowered, and I want the right information to get out there.With that in mind, this website was brought to my attention by some of my other sex-toy sling colleagues. The Netflix of sex toys, it is

I didn't stutter. You read that right.

The premise is exactly like Netflix. You pay a monthly fee, you pick out a toy, and it comes to you "clean". You keep the toy for as long as it blows your skirt up, and when you are done, you send it back and they send you the next toy in your queue.

Who the hell thought of this? What the hell were they thinking? And most importantly, what drug were they on when they thought this would actually be a good idea????

So, let's say Earl McDumbass and his wife Twila are wanting to add spice to their sex lives. They go to Rent-a-Dildo (I shudder every time I type that) and pick out the double-ended, two-foot pink jelly dong. It arrives. Earl and Twila get their freak on with said toy for two solid weeks. After that time, the DETFPJD has lost it's luster and Earl remembers that the next item on their list is a replica of John Holmes' Butthole -o-Pleasure. Earl and Twila send the DETFPJD back to the headquarters, and anxiously await the arrival of their new toy.

Did I mention that Twila and Earl might bathe once a week? And that Earl has anal warts? And Twila has herpes? And the single wide trailer they reside at The Mayfair is held together by Elmer's Glue, duct tape, and mouse poop.

So, DETFPJD goes back to headquarters where it is allegedly cleaned, sterilized, and repackaged to be sent out for the next eagerly waiting client...your grandparents.


You know, I once had a nursey friend tell me about a patient she took care of that used to go dumpster diving in a college town. On one of their DD safaris, the woman came across some student's discarded Mr. Willy. She hurried home with her treasure, and after cleaning it with soap and water, proceeded to tickle herself into the throes of rapture.

Months later, she ends up with a severe case of rotten crotch and cervical cancer.

Your parents instill in you the values of sharing, but in life, there are certain things you probably should not share...underwear, toothbrush, needles, and sex toys. You buy these things brand new, and when they wear out, fulfill their need, you discard them. Sex with people and with toys are a lot alike in the respect that you don't who or what they came in contact before you entered the picture. I don't care how well they claim to clean it...would you like to get your rocks off with a rabbit who's previous user had some mutant AIDS strain that was impervious to most standard disinfecting agents???? Sure, they guarantee the cleanliness, but would you really want to take that chance???

Overall, Rent-a-Dildo is probably the most retarded idea. Ever. And I say that because even a Downs Syndrome person would look at it and say, "That's fucking retarded!" Because it is. It's retarded, and disgusting, and the people who came up with this idea needs to have their heads examined.

But they are not accepting paying customers yet. Right now, it's in Beta testing. With any luck, the company never gets off the ground. However, if you are an adventure-seeking moron, feel free to sign up for email updates so you can be among the first to get in line and await your turn to have a go with the replica Jenna Jameson Poonanny!!

A Netflix for porn would be a better idea, but I don't know of anyone that sticks a dvd in their vagina or ass for a thrill either. But then, I don't work in the ER, so I'm privy to all the shit they pull out of orifices there.

For $20 a month, you can build up your own arsenal of pleasure without the risk. Hell, I will even sell them to you.

For the time being, I'm going to go throw up.


kate said...

Oh, NO. Nonononononononono. I don't think that I can possibly say "no" enough to express the eerie shivers I get from the idea of Rent-a-Dil-*gag* I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

me said...

Ga - Rossssssssssssssssssssss!

Bill the Painter said...

I think that's the funniest thing I have read in a LONG time!

Can you imagine the liability insurance premiums? I'm sure the lawyers are taking note and are ready for a class action lawsuit at the first sign of...anyway..

Bad idea! Why have a "Netflix" of porn when you have the internet?

Not that I know anything about that....

May said...


Candice said...

Dear... God...

I don't even know what else to say.

Nuke said...

OK, there is (or was) a porn version of Netflix. My buddy used to be a subscriber until his wife had enough.

But holy crap is this a bad idea. I don't wanna be in the same room as anybody who thinks otherwise. I don't think sex toy sharing is a good thing among a group of friends, let alone with strangers.

Oh, and congrats about the radio segment. You are doing a good job! I realized it was you before I even heard it the first time but didn't wanna say anything about it because I didn't know if you were "out".

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHAHA! And also, I feel kinda sick.

Brian O'Mara-Croft said...

Recycling is an important part of society's efforts toward preserving a sustainable future. Rubber schlongs are no exception.


Nora said...

I think I just threw up in my mouth.
I used to date this guy a while back and one night he pulls out this tool box full of toys. So I question why he has them. Says he got them when he used to work at a bar, but they'd never been used. Um..first off, what kind of bar gives out sex toys? Second, if you think those are coming anywhere near my vajayjay, you are out of your freaking mind! Notice I said I USED to date him....