Thursday, December 10, 2009

GB Goes to Hell...Again

At this time, there are five words that strike fear into my heart and makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.

"Let's go to the mall!"

So, Mom wanted to go and look for Christmas gifts. And we did, in the sub-arctic temps. Shockingly, I found a parking spot relatively close to the building so we wouldn't risk dying from hypothermia.

I don't particularly relish going to any shopping mecca around this time of year, but if I do, I try to make the best of it. I demanded a visit to the pet store. What can I say? I like animals more than people on most days, and a trip to the pet store always makes me happy. It used to be, before I set foot in a pet store, it had to be established that I would not leave there with anything that had a heartbeat. The one time this rule wasn't put in play, I came home with Sam.I was a little disturbed to see that a surgery center specializing in weight-loss procedures was right across from the pet store. A surgical center. At a mall. Who in the hell thought that would be a good idea???

"Okay, kids. Billy, you go to Hot Topic and get your goth wear. Rachel, you go to Victoria's Secret for underwear. I have to stop off at Bath and Body Works before I go have surgery on my stomach. Afterwards, we'll meet in the food court."


Anyway, we go into the pet store, and the puppies are actually awake and playful. Mom and I coo and squeal at the little furballs. They are so damn cute, especially the big, fluffy Newfoundland pup they had. One lady was standing in front of the kennel with the golden retriever, her nose pressed against the glass, bawling her eyes out.

"I used to have one of these!" she cried. Mom and I started feeling sorry for her. It's always hard when you have a pet that passes away.

"...when I was seven years old!" she finishes. Mom and I stop feeling sorry for her. Now, she's turned into Creepy Lady, crying in a pet store about a dog you had thirty years ago.

But you never know, she may have been having some odd reaction to the anesthesia from her weight loss surgery she just had fifteen minutes ago.

Saturday, December 05, 2009

Nurse Follies: How to Create a Hostile Work Environment

From what I can tell, most nurses enjoy working at Acme Community Hospital (my employer). We occasionally get fed. We sometimes get free ink pens and coffee mugs. Administration will take us for walks and pat us on the head when we are good. We are routinely de-wormed, de-loused, bathed, and dropped into a nice warm flea dip twice a year (the ER nurses get this more often because they have greater exposure to the greater unwashed).

Nurses Week, they have little events to make us feel warm and fuzzy.

For Christmas, we get a gift card to a local store. Not enough to buy Christmas for your entire family, but it's enough to defray the cost of Christmas dinner. Wouldn't more be great? Sure! But with a hospital our size, one can't possibly expect them to dish out significant bonuses to all their staff. Hell, the place would go bankrupt!

So, imagine the ire when it was revealed that our hospital did in fact give out some bonuses to a small percentage of nurses. Only certain nurses, in a certain department. Not in management positions. Just regular floor schmucks like myself. To the tune of $1500 per nurse.

In these economic times, some nurses have had to be the sole breadwinners for their family because their spouses didn't end up in a profession that was recession-resilient. I'm sure those nurses would love to get a bonus like that so they can ensure that their families can have a good Christmas. But instead, you get a select few who get to take home $1500 check, while everyone else gets a $35 gift card to Bob's Food Mart.

It hardly seems fair, does it?

But can you imagine what work is going to be like after this revelation? How would you feel if you were the gift card recipient working with the tool who doesn't do anything more special than you do? Or how would you like to be the bonus recipient, working amongst your angry coworkers who would like to see you fall down an elevator shaft??

This should be as well-received as a five year old fruitcake.

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Shocking News is Shocking

Everyone is all agog at the Tiger Woods and the steaming pile of crap he has found himself in. And all he did was crash into a little fire hydrant.

But in crashing into the defenseless fire hydrant, it opens a pandora's box of secrets into his alternative life. Tiger Woods a serial cheater? No, say it isn't so!! Who ever heard of a multi-million dollar athlete married with multiple girlfriends?? Inconceivable!!

I'm going to guess that the imprint of the nine iron on the side of his head tells us that he didn't have an "agreement" with his wife.

Is this really news? Is this really worth obsessing over??

Tiger, perhaps you should google Steve McNair, mm'kay? Dumbass.

And golf still isn't a sport.