Nurse Follies: Accountants Don't Get to Have These Conversations

Mrs. Needlovin is a frequent flyer in our neck of the woods. She's a scary old woman who apparently needs some attention down there. She tries to use many tactics to get people to poke around down there. She has has tests and exams which have shown nothing wrong with her down there(other than it being a shriveled, old lady muffin). She even once asked the poor soul who brings the dinner trays to help her out.

Mrs. Needlovin: My vagina hurts.
Me: I'm giving you pain medicine for that right now.
Mrs. Needlovin: Can I have an ice pack?
Mr. Needlovin: What do you need and ice pack for?
Mrs. Needlovin: To put in my vagina.
Me: We are NOT putting an ice pack in your vagina.

Mrs. Needlovin takes her pills. I assess, the husband is still sitting at the bedside, clearly embarrassed. I finish my assessment and announce that I will return later.

Mrs. Needlovin: So, you're not going to do anything about my vagina?
Me: That's what the pain pills were for.
Mrs. Needlovin: Oh, but I need someone to squeeze my vagina. Can't you help?
Me: Uhh...no.
Mr. Needlovin: (rolls his eyes) This really isn't something I want to get into.
Mrs. Needlovin: Oh, trust me, there's been plenty of times when you want to get into it!