Thursday, April 21, 2011

Nurse Follies: Accountants Don't Get to Have These Conversations

Mrs. Needlovin is a frequent flyer in our neck of the woods. She's a scary old woman who apparently needs some attention down there. She tries to use many tactics to get people to poke around down there. She has has tests and exams which have shown nothing wrong with her down there(other than it being a shriveled, old lady muffin). She even once asked the poor soul who brings the dinner trays to help her out.

Mrs. Needlovin: My vagina hurts.
Me: I'm giving you pain medicine for that right now.
Mrs. Needlovin: Can I have an ice pack?
Mr. Needlovin: What do you need and ice pack for?
Mrs. Needlovin: To put in my vagina.
Me: We are NOT putting an ice pack in your vagina.

Mrs. Needlovin takes her pills. I assess, the husband is still sitting at the bedside, clearly embarrassed. I finish my assessment and announce that I will return later.

Mrs. Needlovin: So, you're not going to do anything about my vagina?
Me: That's what the pain pills were for.
Mrs. Needlovin: Oh, but I need someone to squeeze my vagina. Can't you help?
Mr. Needlovin: (rolls his eyes) This really isn't something I want to get into.
Mrs. Needlovin: Oh, trust me, there's been plenty of times when you want to get into it!

Flip-Top Head

A few months ago, a filling fell out of my back molar. It didn't hurt, but there was a nice little sharp spot that was annoying. I made an appointment with the dentist, only to cancel because I had work obligations. Being the procrastinator I am, I finally rescheduled and went yesterday.

Despite what my friends and family may tell you, I have a small mouth. In fact, I had to have teeth pulled because of crowding. I know a girl who can shove her whole fist in her mouth (making her very popular with the boys). I'm not such a person. You know how you are supposed to eat sushi in whole bites? I struggle with that too, which makes eating sushi a labor of love.

At some point in my formative years, I had some sort of TMD. The only residual now is that I get jaw fatigue easily (which doesn't make me popular with the boys). Now, try to imagine yourself spending an afternoon at the dentist's office with two people trying to cram their hands in your mouth.

At one point, I had wave my hands and tell them to stop trying to split my face open. When it came time to take pictures (they mill their own crowns in office and the images are done by computer), the dental assistant got all butthurt because the damn camera couldn't fit in my mouth. Oh, and I was drooling everywhere, which distorts the images. Sorry, Miss Perky Dental Assistant Who's Name Ends in IE, just because you can fit anything in your wide, open trap (and you probably do on the weekends), doesn't mean everyone else can.

On a side note, have you ever noticed that girls who's first names end in an IE-sound are too damn perky? Ashley, Britney, Amberlie, Buffy, Courtnie? Maybe if Mom would have given me a name like that, I'd be less of an asshole and more like a Johnson County sorority girl.

Three hours and almost $400 later, I walked out of the office. Because I was in the Northland, I thought I would run some errands. Midway, the Novocaine wore off and everything hurt. I ordered a soda to take an Aleve with, and drinking through a straw proved to be a disaster as I wore most of it. The guy at the counter was mortified and probably wondered about the lady who appeared to be having a stroke before his very eyes.

Now, I sit at home with a massive headache...but I have a new pearly white to show for it. Too bad it rests in the back of my mouth where no one will see it.

I hate you, dentist office. All that time and money, and you wouldn't even part with a free toothbrush. Go to hell.