Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Carpet Clean!

The carpet cleaner called and asked if he could come over earlier than appointed because he had a cancellation. Sure! I was ready, and that would free up the rest of my afternoon for a nap.

Thirty minutes later, he shows up. A nice guy, with bad teeth. I always notice teeth first on anyone. I've seen some pretty bad grills (not the "blingy" ones) in my day, and I always wonder how they function with them. The meth heads are easy to pick out, then followed by the folks who probably have never owned a toothbrush in their day. Some people can't help crooked teeth, but everyone can help tartar buildup.

I could never kiss a guy with bad teeth. The mere thought of it makes me want to go vomit, then brush my teeth for an hour. Bad teeth is not sexy, and it doesn't even matter what your packing in your shorts.

Anyway, the carpet guy shampoos the carpets. I mentioned that I visited the website and got $20 discount, PLUS the coupon I found in the Yellow Pages for an additional $29 off. Sometimes, my own awesomeness astounds me.

Now, my house smells like oranges...which isn't bad, just different. The carpet remained wet for the better part of the afternoon, which made descending the stairs to the hardwood floor somewhat perilous. While carpet guy was doing his thing, I was poking outside the front yard in the flower beds that are buried under two-years of dead leaves. I discovered flowers!! And newly sprouted flower-looking plants that I have no idea what they are, but will find out when they bloom. This is exciting to me because not only are they added perks that came with the house, but that means less planting I have to do later. As it stands, I'm going to have my hands full with the backyard.

Plus, I suspect that the big bush next to the house is a lilac bush. Well, maybe more hoping than suspecting. Keep your fingers crossed!

Tuesday Blather

This morning, I decided to be daring and venture up into the attic. I've never been in my attic, so imagine my surprise when my mother told me it's practically another finished room.

So, I dropped the little door from the ceiling and a ladder popped down. I climbed the ladder, almost fearful of attic/spaghetti monsters. Wouldn't you know...mom was right. There's a floor, light switch, electrical outlets, and one ginormous attic fan. Not to mention a shit ton of room for extra storage, or a place for my brother to stay in the event his house is foreclosed upon. The threat has loomed twice now within the past 12 months, so it is a possibility.

My little adventure made me think of that scene from National Lampoons Christmas Vacation where Clark is in the attic watching old movies. A classic!! Thankfully, I didn't fall from the ceiling.

I'm currently waiting for the carpet shampoo people to get here...which should be in about an hour. The carpets are gross, and I wanted to wait to have them cleaned until I was moved in and settled.


What kind of friend wimps out of stopping by to visit citing "I'm tired" and "You're sick"...only to go out to Happy Hour and karaoke later that night? Too tired to check on a sick friend, but not so tired to go out for Long Island Ice Tea and get felt up by your coworkers.

Some friend.

I don't know why I even bother anymore.

I'll just sit here and be mad, because it's a lot easier than admitting your feelings are hurt.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Adventures in Homebuying: My Bedroom

I've always been smitten with all things Asian. The colors, the sounds, the traditions, the tranquility that they aspire to. Yeah, I understand that Asian men are mostly perverts, but I am willing to overlook that as long as none of them go motorboating in my dirty pillows without permission.

That being said, I've always wanted Asian influence in my bedroom. I spend a lot of time in my bedroom, so I wanted it to be a place that was relaxing, sensual, and peaceful at the same time. A place to meditate, and most importantly, sleep without any distractions.
When I bought the house, the master bedroom was this awful dark mustard color. Hideous. Not to mention, the ceiling fan was one of those ugly white wicker ones left over from the 80's. Also hideous. The only redeeming thing about the room was the new carpet.

I selected a nice, calming green for my room, but first, I had to prime to walls to get rid of that baby-poop color. The primer was a sea foam green that made me think back to the days when sea foam green was popular, and every bride wanted it for their bridal party. I had never painted before, so I am sure painting this room took me a lot longer than it would take a professional painter. One day to prime the room, the next day, I painted.

This is what my room looks like now. A bought the red Thai silk duvet set from Target at their World Bazaar. I paid full price for it, only to have them discount the set two weeks later by 30%. I know this because Paul likes to remind me whenever it presents itself in conversation, which is almost weekly. I found the silver lamps at Lowes on the clearance table, and the red lampshades at Walmart two months later. My sheets are gold, and 800 thread count. This has made it rather difficult to get out of bed sometimes.

I have a lot of candles in my room, my favorite ones being the soy candles I order online from The Fuzzy Bean Candle Company. The Tea Leaf and Jasmine is my favorite. I discovered them when I went to the KC Home Show last year. My brother gave me the fake bonsai tree. I had nowhere else to put it, so I put it on the dresser for the time being.

These two pictures I also found at Target. Chinese characters for things like Peace, Love, Happiness, etc. The gold sheets match the gold in these pictures. And the red matches the other red items. I know you guys are thinking this is something naughty. It's not. In fact, it's a daruma. You color in one eye and set a goal, or make a wish, and when that goal or wish is realized, you fill in the other eye. As you see, my daruma has only one eye filled in. I'm not saying what my goal/wish was. But let's just say that I've had this daruma for a long time.

This wall hanging was brought back from Korea by my brother when he was stationed there. It's some sort of mask play. I'm not up on Korean stuff, but I thought it would look appropriate in my room. I have an incense burner under it. I also put up mahogany-colored bamboo shades in the windows to finish the whole look.

And that is my bedroom for now. Just talking about it makes me want to go take a nap.

I think I will do just that.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Saturday Blather

I'm still feeling like crap, and sounding like it. The doc said I should feel better by the weekend. She lied.

Yesterday, I had to drive to the vet's office to pick up food for George. He routinely gets a clogged up peehole, so he has to eat special food so his peehole doesn't get plugged up. I'd rather spend $30 on a bag of food instead of $500 to get his plumbing cleaned by the veterinarian. Besides, the food bowl was empty, and George's cries are so loud (he hates having an empty food bowl) that people have accused me of skinning him alive when they heard it.

So, I drive to the vet's office (which is still by where I used to live). The drive was really weird. I had to keep reminding myself where I was, and where I was going, and how I needed to get there. Sort of like my brain was floating around in a huge bowl of pudding.

I made the purchase, and came straight home...reminding myself how to get there, and I only needed to drive in one lane on the highway. By the time I got home, I was so exhausted, it was all I could do to climb up the stairs and climb into bed. I cut a hole in the bag of food and left it on the kitchen floor and told George to have at it.

I called in sick to work last night. I could have called in for the entire weekend, but I want to take it on a day by day sort of thing. This morning isn't showing much more promise than yesterday did. Although, yesterday I was able to cough up lung cookies in varying colors of the rainbow.

Being confined to home has sucked. I planted some tomato seeds in a small portable greenhouse, and that took about 30 minutes of my day. I've already cleaned the house. I've done all my laundry. I don't want to camp out in front of the television. Law and Order even has lost it's appeal for the time being. No one wants to come visit because they don't want to catch what I have. Where's the love, people!?!

I'm bored. Bored enough that going to work even looks like fun. I've downed a glass of orange juice and a diet lemon-lime soda. I don't feel any better.

Being sick sucks.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Let's Take a Vote!

By a show of hands, who is sick and tired of hearing about Anna Nicole's afterlife strife??

How hard can it be to bury someone?? BURY HER ALREADY!!! I almost can smell her from here. By the time a decision is made, the only thing left of her remains will be those silicone implants.

I'm also convinced that the judge in the hearings worked his way through law school as a used car salesman. Smarmy!!!

Hell, if someone like him can make it through law school, there's hope for me yet.


Television Talent...or Lack Of

With my new acquisition of television reception via satellite dish, my world has been opened up.

However, I still have no idea why people watch reality show drivel.

Last night, I engaged in a flu-version of drunk dialing. Only the strongest thing I had been drinking was NyQuil. I called my friend Trish, thinking it was my sister-in-law, and asked her if her four-year old was reading books yet because I saw a really good deal on Dr. Suess books I thought he JUST HAD TO HAVE. Trish officially has deemed me nuts. I called my brother and I don't even remember what I asked him. I hope I didn't agree to give him any money.

One thing is for certain, though. I am the only person in the northern hemisphere that does not watch American Idol. Everyone I called was watching it. I don't understand the attraction. Since when does Paula Abdul have an authority to judge who has singing talent and who does not? She was in a video with a cartoon cat, for crying out loud! Now, she can hardly string together four words or more to make a complete, and comprehensible sentence.

Not to be outdone, the country music demographic has their own little country-version of American Idol called Nashville Star. I don't watch it either, but I have seen the commercials. Two questions always pop into my head when I see them.

1. Since when did Jewel become country music aficionado? Banging a rodeo star does not automatically make you a cowgirl.

2. Cowboy Troy? What. The. Hell. I remember the first time I saw a video with him in it. When it was done, Kant looked at me and simply said, "that sucked." Indeed.

I also don't get into why some people are so obsessed with television shows. Every time I hear a group conference about Grey's Anatomy, it makes me want to run screaming and pulling my hair out.

Any show that romanticizes extra-marital affairs needs to have their producers lined up for castration.

Die, Meredith, DIE!!

Monday, February 19, 2007

Puff, Puff, Pass

It's not strep. It's a viral something-or-another that doesn't have a name, nor anything to kill it. As with most viruses, you can only treat the symptoms and ride it out until you get better on your own. Hopefully, you have a decent enough immune system to help you out.

So, the nurse practitioner gave me an inhaler because this virus is causing "reactive airway", meaning, my upper respiratory tract is protesting the presence of said virus and is rebelling. Incidentally, she thinks I may have got it on the airplane on the way home. That figures.

At any rate, I'm still contagious. She wasn't too happy when I told her I worked over the weekend. Oops. Had I called in, it would have left my floor horribly short, not to mention the Bosshole would have come down on me like white on rice. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

So, I've been hitting the hot tea with lemon and honey. Good thing I brought a bunch back with me from Tortola. There's something about Mango tea that makes you not want to rip the heads off the neighbor children when they come over to play with the dog.

I've been awake all day long. Actually, I haven't had sleep since yesterday. I took some benadryl earlier, and now I hear my bed calling me. Electric blanket and all. I think I will just spend the next couple days in hibernation. I've got a handful of books I have yet to read. Heroes downloaded onto the iPod, and an endless supply of throat lozenges.

Go Away World

I made it through another weekend at work. My first weekend since vacation. I was sick through the entire thing. It sucked. I'm confident that everyone I have in contact with this weekend will be sick by the end of the week.

Throat is still raw, white and streaky. My voice has left me. I'm tired and cranky. I called and made an appointment to go see the doctor today at 3:30. I tried to snag a resident before I left work so they could look at my throat and give me a prescription for some antibiotics...but all I could find were shortcoats (i.e. medical students), and they are not very helpful in matters of life and death.

Mom and the Boyfriend stopped by. I don't know why, but they took my garbage. After they left, I took a shower. While sitting in my robe, the neighbor kids came to door and rang the bell. I'm assuming they wanted me to put Sam in the back yard so they could play with him. I didn't answer the door. I'm sick and I don't have to do anything but sick here and hack up my lung. Shouldn't they be in school?? I don't ever remember getting President's Day off when I was in grade school.

I'm so tired, but I can't sleep. Why can't someone just come and take care of me?? Some homemade chicken soup would be nice, and some hot tea. A little cuddling and a back rub.

And a shit-ton of penicillin.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Heather Has an Admirer

Well, it would appear that way.

I've just been informed that someone has taken a liking to me. What can I say? I'm the complete package. This guy is just going to have to get in line and take a number.

Why not date him, you may ask? Just because I may be at a buffet doesn't mean I have to eat everything offered.

I'm a picky eater.

Top Ten Reasons Why Britney Spears Shaved Her Head

10. With the passing of Anna Nicole, someone had to fill the slot of "crazy-assed nutball".

9. Will be venturing into the genre of "punk rock" and wanted to look the part.

8. Became a devout Hari Krishna follower and will begin her worldwide airport tour this spring.

7. Watched a Star Trek Next Generation marathon and believed she was a closet Klingon. Hab SoSlI' Quch!

6. Flea market hair extensions caused her hair to fall out.

5. Wanted the curtains to match the carpet...or lack thereof.

4. Crab migration.

3. Long lost cousin of Sinead O' Connor.

2. Ran out of Prozac and Cheetos.

1. Who really cares? She still can't sing.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

This Can't Be a Good Thing

My first night back at work, and my ass is dragging the ground. I haven't been to work since the end of last month. This isn't going well for me.

And I am in charge. And I am precepting a new nurse. God help everyone.

To top it all off, my throat has been sore, I'm slowly losing my voice, and I have red spots all over the back of my throat and tonsils. I seem to remember from my nursing school days that the red spots are indicative of something...but hell if I can remember what. I drank some hot tea earlier. I don't feel any better. We only have three nurses scheduled to work because we already have one out sick. Calling in isn't an option.

I made it to work without incident. I would have left home earlier, but I had a hard time getting Sam back into the house. He figured out that I was going to work, so he figured that as long as he stayed outside, I wouldn't leave. Bastard.

I'm slowly getting vacation photos posted to an online Flickr account. As soon as it is ready to go, I will post the link. I'm also including pics from all the crap I'm doing to the house.

I think I will go make some more tea. This is a very long night.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Because Everyone Has Questions

I know everyone wants to know certain things about my trip. Not about the weather, or the beaches, but the fact that I went with a guy I obviously like, and nothing happened. I called Mom when we got back into the U.S. Naturally, Paul (not dating!) was standing nearby, so this is how the conversation went...

Mom: Did anything happen?
Me: We hit a goat on one of our tours.
Mom: No...I mean did anything happen? Like...with you and Paul.
Me: Nope
Mom: Nothing?
Me: No
Mom: No smoochies?
Me: None
Mom: No hand holding?
Me: Nada
Mom: No cuddling?
Me: Not at all.
Mom: Did you at least talk about it?
Me: Nope.
Mom: Well...shit.

Paul called one of his friends, and this was the conversation I heard from my end.

We hit a goat.

It's good to know that I'm not the only one in the crossfire.

Welcome Home to Me!

It's just after midnight, and I am up waiting for Paul (not dating!) to call me and let me know he made it home in one piece. I told him he could crash at my house, but he wanted to sleep in his own bed. I suspect he didn't want to listen to another night of me snoring. Ten nights of listening to me snore was probably a bit much. What can I say? I snored to drown him out.

So, our ship got into Ft. Lauderdale before the butt-crack of dawn Sunday morning. We packed the last of our items, said good-bye to the cabin, ate one last time at the community trough, and debarked the ship. Standing outside until we found a shuttle that would take us to the hotel because in all my infinite wisdom, I figured that by staying an extra day, we would avoid the massive crowds of people at the airport, all returning from their cruises.

Whatever! Over the course the weekend, twelve ships rotated out of Ft. Lauderdale and Miami...but more on that later.

We stayed at the Holiday Inn at Ft. Lauderdale Beach. What a shithole! We arrived around 11am. Now, I understand that all hotels have check-in time in the afternoon, but usually, you can get a room if you happen to get there early. Not with this place. We were able to leave our luggage in the little bellhop closet and go find lunch, walk on the beach, take some pictures, etc, etc. We returned to the hotel around 2:30. No rooms were ready, and no one was getting checked in until their check-in time of 4pm. The lobby was full of luggage and cranky cruise passengers. One couple even had their emailed confirmation in hand, promising early check-in, but were told they would have to wait until 4pm like everyone else because their room was a "special room" and wouldn't be ready until 4pm. No apologies, but plenty of smartass comments from the staff at the front desk. One guest was ready to climb over the front desk and throttle the scrawny kid named Derek who was being a ginormous dickhead. Apparently, in Ft. Lauderdale, customer service is merely an option. At one point, the entire front desk staff retreated to the back to get away from the angry mob that they created.

Now, I consider myself pretty easygoing when it comes to vacations and such. I'm not nit picky as some people are who think their entire stay is ruined if they see one discoloration on the carpet. However, this place was a shithole. The floors were so nasty that Paul almost passed out when I kneeled on the carpet to dig around in my suitcase. Mold in the bathroom. Hair on the washcloth that Paul swore up and down was a pubic hair. Bad! Bad! Bad!

Needless to say, I won't be staying at a Holiday Inn again. I'm also going to post a review on Trip Advisor.

Rain began pouring down in Ft. Lauderdale that evening, so we ordered pizza to be delivered to the hotel. It sucked, too. We were starting to notice a trend.

Exhausted, we turned in around 8pm. Paul began snoring immediately. I noticed that the first person to fall asleep fared better because if you didn't fall asleep first, you would never get to sleep because the other person's snoring would prevent it from happening. In my sleep deprived delirium, I called my mother's cell phone and left a message which consisted entirely of Paul snoring. The next day, I spoke with Mom who told me she almost called her phone company to complain she was getting obscene phone calls.

Monday morning, we got up, got ready, gathered our crap, caught a shuttle, went to the airport. This is where those twelve cruise ships I mentioned come into play. Hundreds of people! Lines everywhere!! People were getting agitated and mutiny was imminent. We got there around 12:30pm, and actually made it to the gate 10 minutes before our plane started boarding around 3:20. Some people actually missed their flights.

AirTran sucks. I shall never fly with them again either. I should have listened to Kant when she told me they were awful. Their seats are roughly the equivalent of a wooden box with a thin layer of toilet paper spread over it. You try sitting on that for 3 hours straight and see how you like it.

After a layover in Atlanta, we made it home around 9:30 pm to snow. A far cry from 80-some degrees and sunshine. The ride home was harrowing. All I could imagine was us sliding into someone or something, and the airbag blowing up in my face.

So now I am home. I have a new fireplace mantle, courtesy of The Boyfriend (I'll post pictures later). Mom cleaned the house. Mom and The Boyfriend cleaned the garage so now you can park two cars in there instead of just one.

Screw unpacking...I'm going to bed. It's going to be so nice to snore myself to sleep.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Ship Happens: Visiting the Armpit of U.S. Territories

Monday we woke up late, only to realize that we didn't catch the memo about setting our clocks another hour forward, so we missed the group excursion to go down the big water slide on the cruise ship...and group photo. We also missed breakfast, which is a tragedy because anytime you miss a meal on a cruise ship, it is equivalent to of a garden-variety Catholic miss having tea with the Pope. I'm just saying, that's how serious some passengers take chow time.

So, I am currently two hours ahead of everyone back home. It's around 9:30pm where I am now, still tending to my sunburn. Which means everyone is still freezing their asses off in Kansas City around 7:30pm.

Monday night, we stopped in San Juan, and were slated to remain there from 5pm to Midnight. Most all the shops had closed for the night. All the other shops that stayed open all sold the exact same thing. I must say I wasn't overly impressed with San Juan. Garbage everywhere emitting a mixed bag of smells...none of them good. We saw a guy who was stoned into the next time zone passed out in a doorway.

Our friends wanted to visit Senor Frogs...which is a drinking establishment of the most unique kind. This is the place people like to go to because they know that by the end of the night, someone is going to have their clothes off. Everything there is butt-ass expensive. You'd have to mortgage your house for a plate of nachos.

At any rate, Kristi and Kevin ducked into Senor Frogs. I didn't feel like getting tequila served to me in a squirt gun, so I decided to go back to the ship. Paul (we're still not dating) followed. We had pizza from our hangout in the back of the ship (Aft for all you nautical folks). Aside from learning that everyone's garbage looks and smells the same regardless of your nationality, it was a relatively unremarkable port.

Today, we landed at St. Thomas. Butt. Ass. Expensive. A regular bottle of Aquafina...$3. We booked an island tour which landed us on a beach, where the skies opened up and it rained. Some people ran out of the water and under the bar canopy. I suppose it was because they didn't want to get wet.

Also, folks in St. Thomas drive on the wrong side of the road. Everyone drives like they live in St. Louis, but on much more narrow roads, and a winding mountainous terrain. I feared for my life more than once.

Right now, Paul (not dating!) is back in the cabin, snoring to his heart's content. I stopped by the ship's shop and bought some really good perfume because I couldn't find a watch I liked.

Tomorrow, we are going to be in Antigua. Thursday we will be in Tortola. Two days at sea and then we are home. If you guys had snow, I hope you have the decency to have the roads clear upon my return.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Ship Happens: Where Mondays are Good Days

Of course, any day on a cruise ship is a good day.

After having no sleep for well over 24 hours, we made it to Ft. Lauderdale. We flew on AirTran, which has the most uncomfortable seats in the entire airline industry. During my layover in Atlanta, I kept seeing people wearing Chicago Bears colors, so I started thinking I was in Chicago. That's how tired I was. Thankfully, I was able to take a nap during our Atlanta to Ft. Lauderdale flight. No one bothered to wake me up for the pretzels, leaving me propped on my little polka-dotted travel pillow I bought at Walmart on the way to the airport, drooling on said pillow, and apparently snoring. I can't verify this because people are prone to lying when it comes to me snoring.

In case you were all wondering...Paul came with me on this trip. And no, we are still not dating. Of note, he snores...very, very loudly. I've had to hit him in the head with my travel pillow on more than one occasion. At least his snoring sort of drowns out the Piano Bar that is directly below our cabin.

We are currently hauling ass at a speed of 20 miles and hour (or whatever that translates in to nautical miles), and should reach San Juan around 5pm, where we will be staying until midnight. I have no idea what we will be doing in San Juan because most all the shops will be closed when we get there. I suppose we could check out a local restaurant or something...or just meander around and hope we don't get mugged. Another couple (a nurse I went to school with and her husband), have also joined us on this trip. So, there is safety in numbers. Unless they are both shitfaced.

Current temps...somewhere hovering just above 80 degrees. A few clouds in the sky. We sat outside yesterday as it was a Sea Day, and predictably, I got sunburned...bad. I'm about as red as the lobster that graced my dinner plate last night. So much for pre-tanning before cruising. It was about as effective as the Pull and Pray Method.

Thus far, the cruise has been entertaining. I'm trying not to be on the go all the time, but instead relaxing. We're also involved in a Murder Mystery Cruise, so everyone has been asking me if I am having an affair with the Cruise Director, not to mention if I've been having sex in the lifeboats. With a name like Hedonistic Heather, I suppose I would be suspect.

We only set sail Saturday night, and already I feel like I have been on this ship for a week. I'm not ready to come home, though. I've heard about the temps in KC...and I kind of like hanging around in my swimsuit and purple boonie hat for the time being.

I'll post my pics when I get home, but I thought I would drop a line to everyone to let them know that I haven't fallen off the boat. Everyone has been really nice, the food has been great, and the company somewhat entertaining. I'll post a more comprehensive review of my trip with I get home and don't have to pay $.55 a minute to be online.

I'm now going to go drink something out of a hollowed-out coconut. The tea here is nasty.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Preparing for Vacation

I was unable to go out and run any errands yesterday due to crappy streets, which forced me to engage in a sort of scramble today. I have a feeling I won't be getting much sleep between now and the time my plane takes off...which will be 7:30am tomorrow.

First, I met up with Trish and we had lunch at Applebees. From there, we parted ways and I made my way over to Zona Rosa where I did some more shopping for crap I thought I would need, but in all truthfulness, probably don't. While I was perusing through the underwear, I overheard the two girls working there making calls. Earlier in the day, one of sales girls had her credit card stolen as someone snuck into the back room and helped themselves. By the time she had realized it was stolen and called the CC company, the perps (there were three) had already made stops to Dicks, Barnes and Noble, and Toys R Us. I don't know how much they had charged, but the girl was freaking out.

I got me thinking...

Doesn't anyone bother to check ID anymore?? Any plastic I have has "CHECK ID" in black marker written on the spot where I am supposed to sign my name. Do you know how many times I have used it, and no has even bothered to ask...even after seeing that on the back of the card. And when they do ask, I almost feel like I need to thank them for asking.

There should be a rule. Stores who do not ask for identification will be responsible for the charge if that card turns out to be stolen. While this wouldn't prevent all credit card fraud, it would help decrease it. The skankmuffins who stole that card today would not have been able to make any charges because they wouldn't have had enough to time to create matching identification.

I hate people who steal like that. I hate that they steal what other people work so hard for, and have no remorse for doing it. You can't argue that they steal to survive, because last I checked, Toys R Us offered nothing that would fall under the "necessities of life" category.

At any rate, I am now preparing to go out and squeeze one last tanning session in, get my nails done, and go buy another doorknob. I got all my laundry done, so all that is left to do is pack, and prepare the house for Mom's visit. Mom is looking forward to staying at my house, but I did inform her of the cardinal rule of Case de Heather.


"That's okay," she said. "I'll just wait until you get home."

I shall wash, but shant ever be clean.