Monday, March 26, 2012

Fabulous Indy

I have known Indy for almost 8 years now. We met when I started working for ACME hospital, and he was a physical therapist. I was drawn to his laid-back personality, his readiness to laugh, and immense kindness. We became friends, hung out, hung out more. Naturally, I developed a crush on him. As far as having "the talk", it would usually go something like this:

Me: Why aren't we dating again?
Indy: I don't know.

You ever know someone who you kinda suspect they are gay, but are afraid to ask? He had an effeminate quality about that you had to be perceptive to catch. He loved to shop. He was a snappy dresser. A lot about him screamed homosexual, but he even baffled my other gay friends who had met him and still were not completely sold on the idea that this was a man who was trapped in the closet. After a few years of being besties, I finally come out and asked him if he was gay. He seemed mortified by the very idea.

Indy: I LOVE pussy!

Indy and I went everywhere. Like peas can carrots we were. He was always happy and cheerful, which served as a great balance to my dark, brooding moods. We even went on three cruises together. During those times, we would be in close quarters. He was always a perfect gentleman. Not once did he ever attempt anything.

My straight guy friends nodded their heads knowingly. They told me that any straight guy would try to "tap that" in those same circumstances. Because, well, guys are sex-crazed dogs that way. You put one in close proximity to a female for a week in international waters, something is going to happen. It wouldn't matter if the girl had two heads. Their verdict: straight up gay.

But I was still puzzled. By then, the crush had long faded and I looked at him more like another brother. My Mom thought of him as another son. My family, having met and hung out with him on more than one occasion, were also puzzled. Indy was gay. Everyone seemed to know it...but Indy. Why in the hell would that come boy not come out of the closet?

Then, Indy took a day job, and found new friends. My contact with him, due to our opposing scheduled, grew less and less. His social calendar suddenly blew up. Drinks here, Gatherings there. Group outings with a bunch of men to go see Gone with the Wind (yeah, that's pretty gay). And there was always this one guy who was right in the thick of it with him.

Could it be, our Indy finally came out and had found himself a boyfriend??

It would appear that yes, he did. But now it's one of those things that is out in the open, but not out in the open. They are a couple, Indy and this guy who likes to go out wearing roller skates and a tutu (WTF!), but Indy isn't proudly waving the rainbow flag. Everyone knows about it, but no one really talks about it. I wonder if this has anything to do with his very elderly parents and the whole devout Catholic thing.

Hiding who you are is a bunch of nonsense, by the way. People should be able to love who they want, without fear of being persecuted (the obvious exception being children...I wholly support public castration for pedophiles). But I recognize that not all people are tolerant and open minded, and people who live outside the monogamous heterosexual box do still have to exercise some caution because we still live in an area populated by ignorant rednecks. Judging people based on a religious belief is like telling the people of the world they are wicked if they don't use the standard measurement system. Not everyone subscribes to it, and that doesn't make them wrong.

Indy is obviously happy. And I am happy for him. I wonder how much self-loathing he carried, concealed behind of mask of shiny, happy. Maybe he always knew, and was just that damn scared to acknowledge it.

One More Candle and a Trip Around the Sun

Another year, come and gone. Now, I am 37 years old.

I am three years away from 40.

I really don't feel like I should be that old. I feel like I should have more accomplished by now. I look at other people my age, people I knew in my youth. Facebook makes it easy to do that. Some of them have kids who are just now graduating high school. Some are divorced or are working on their second or third marriage.

My lack of these standard milestones don't make me feel like less of a person. It doesn't make me a failure either. It just makes me different, and I am perfectly okay with that.

I'm optimistic about my 37th year, despite the vortex of drama that swirls around my life. This is the year I re-evaluate my standards. I challenge my own belief system. I step out of my comfort zone and try something different. I push my own boundaries. It may leave a large wake, or maybe just a little ripple in the water.

But this is the year where everything changes.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Random Thoughts for Monday

I'm taking a page out of Logtar's book and just posting some random thoughts and stuff. It's better than nothing at all, I suppose.

- I'm worried about my mother.
- Things with my Aunt Jo are causing her to be stressed.
- I suspect my Aunt Jo is going senile.
- I also suspect my mother feels guilty about it.
- Sort of like Survivor's Guilt.
- I try to cheer my mother up when I can.
- I have a huge pile of mulch in my backyard.
- I had one of those nasty prickly ball trees cut down on Sunday.
- Moving mulch around isn't as easy.
- Especially now that it's wet.
- I've completely given up on the idea of dating and finding someone special.
- I'm pretty ambivalent about it, to be honest.
- I'm pretty ambivalent about a lot of things.
- I wonder if something is wrong with me.
- My birthday is this week.
- I'm pretty ambivalent about that too.
- Yesterday, I couldn't remember how old I was, and I had to grab a calculator to refresh my memory.
- That's not an exaggeration.
- I really thought I was a year older than I actually am.
- I may be sleep deprived.
- The Neuro drink for Sleep could be the best thing ever.
- I got all my hair chopped off.
- I like it, and should have done it sooner.
- A lot of people say it was a pretty ballsy thing for me to do.
- I don't see what the big deal is, I've had short hair before.
- I've booked another cruise.
- I am pretty excited about it.
- Even though it's not until next year.
- No, I'm not afraid of the ship sinking.
- Planes have crashed, and I still fly.
- I'm more worried about getting run over by an old person on a Rascal, than the ship sinking.
- I'm still pretty terrified of boats sinking.
- I gave up trying to reconcile my love for cruising and my fear of sinking boats.
- Current events depress me, or piss me off, or both.
- I think women should withhold sexy time until this war against them is over.
- Except for men who don't hate women.
- They should get all the sexy time.
- And get to brag about it to men who aren't getting any because they hate women.
- I think people would notice that a lot more than any organized march or protest.
- Women have more power than they know.
- And brains, too.
- Except Sarah Palin.
- And Rush's wife.
- I'm kinda hungry.
- I'm weighing my food options and am wearing my pj's.
- Am weighing the effort it takes to get ready versus how much I want food.
- Maybe I will have a cup of coffee and mull it over.
- Yeah, that's the ticket!