Saturday, December 03, 2011

Nurse Follies: How to Make Your Nurse Your Best Friend

1. Call her waitress. She LOVES that! Because after 2-4 years of the hell that is nursing school, we really like being known for bringing you chocolate pudding.

2. Make sure your hand is hugging your penis whenever your nurse enters your room. If you happen to be jerking off at the time: bonus! Make sure you touch their bare skin with your bare, unwashed hand for maximum bonding moment. Their forearm works, so does the hand. Triple bonus if you manage to touch his/her face.

3. If you are fortunate enough to have a significant other, schedule a special visit from them to coincide with nurse rounds. Nurses really like to see their patients getting their freak on. We feel especially blessed when you send the girlfriend/wife out 10 minutes later for a towel.

4. If Matthew McConaughey doesn't use soap, neither should you! There's nothing better than the "I haven't bathed since Woodstock" smell. The crustier, the better!! Bonus points if you have an infestation of some sort. Nurses really like taking little guests home with them.

5. Make sure you tell your nurse all about your "gubment" checks and bennies. It will make them feel a lot better about having to work overtime to pay for them.

6. Got the flu or some other contagious respiratory thing? Caring is sharing! Be sure to cough in their face when he/she is bending over you, looking at your IV/warts/seeping wound. They could use a day off, and sickness is the best excuse to call in to work. Sure, they will be sick at home, but you have at least given them something to remember you by!

7. Nurses love to have visitors, so make sure every member of your family comes to visit at the exact same time...even the relatives you only see during reunions and funerals. Just so your family members can meet your nurse, have them go and find her, one at a time, to ask for a can of soda or a pudding cup. Pull them out of another patient's room if you have to.

8. Make sure you read up on the latest medical trends in Woman's Day and Readers Digest. You can discuss these subjects like an expert and your nurse will be wowed by your knowledge. You may even be awarded an honorary nursing degree.

9. Oprah Winfrey is a God, and therefor anything she says is gospel. Including the time she told you not to take a certain med because it was bad for you. So, when you go into the hospital as a direct result of not taking that particular med, make sure you explain to the nurse that Oprah directs your care, and not your doctor.

10. Don't touch those pimples/blackheads/boils. Save them for the nurses!! The bigger, the better. Nurses love to pop those suckers. It's like bubble wrap to them.

11. Call lights are for wieners. Send your family members out on a search party to find your nurse, even for the most trivial things...because there is no such thing as "trivial" to a nurse. It's all important!! They really want to know when you want your television dusted off and are eager to help.

12. Code Blue situations are really exciting. Like the television show!! Make sure you get a bird's eye view by standing right in the doorway, especially if it's not even your family member that's coded. Remember to ask questions. They really like that.

13. Don't designate one family member to call and check on your loved one, have them call all at once. Nurses are not busy at all and love to talk to all 20 of your family members in the course of their entire shift, including your ex-husband who lives in Ohio. Who needs a privacy code? You're love for said inpatient trumps any kind of federal privacy laws, and the nurse frequently needs to be reminded of thus.

14. Hospitals have the best free snacks! Make sure you ask your nurse for a round of Pepsi and pudding cups for all your visitors. Your guests will be impressed at your generosity and how much clout you have for such free service.

15. Hospitals are the perfect places for sleepovers. And when there isn't a sleeper chair available, have your significant other crawl in bed with you. Snarling at the nurse for waking your special little somebody with their menial lifesaving tasks is perfectly acceptable. Nurses frequently need to be reminded that your sweet wubbin-nubbins has been very stressed out about your hospital stay, and should be allowed to have uninterrupted sleep.

16. Your needs should take priority over everyone elses! Go find that nurse and remind her that your loved one's hamburger needs reheated. She can code that other patient after she's's not like they are going to get any deader. Go into other rooms if you have to find your nurse. Your family member's dinner is at stake!

This has been a public service announcement.

1 comment:

K2 said...