The Gardner Garage Sale Incident of '09

This weekend, Mom and I decided to hot foot it over to Gardner for their annual community garage sale, because what better way can one spend a Saturday than going through other's people's unwanted junk?

For those of you who have never been to the Gardner Garbage Sale, it's big. People from miles around descend upon this Golden Ghetto suburb in hopes of finding hidden, unrealized treasure. It's so popular that driving through town is like going through a gauntlet, and the faint of heart need not bother to show...but they always do.

Mom and I first go to Indy's little subdivision because they seem to have a higher volume of families peddling their wares. We spot a house, and I'm sure anyone who lives in Gardner is aware of this house, that is the most hideous color I've ever seen...and it pains me that I didn't have a camera handy to take a picture. It was a bright blue, with a dark blue trim. It looked like a big, blue crayon. To make it even more fabulous, there was a matching blue Geo Metro in the driveway. Mom made the mistake of joking with a neighbor on how easy it must be to give directions to her house, and the woman went on a 10 minute angry tangent about the blue house from Hell.

Moving onward!

We spot a cluster of garage sales and park the car, walking up to the sale we come to. A couple of women are chattering loudly, and we initially assume they are together, and having a heated discussion about something. The price of someone's used baby stroller, perhaps?

Wrong! Turns out, one woman had parked her truck where the back third of it was blocking the driveway, leaving just enough room for two cars to pull out of the garage and onto the street...at the same time. Angry Homeowner Lady had come hauling ass out of her house, and chased unsuspecting garage saler down the street, berating her for having the audacity of blocking her drive. Angry Homeowner Lady even kicked the side of the truck for emphasis.

That'll show 'em!!

A shouting match ensued in what could described as the most hilarious exchange I've seen in a while.

"It's my private driveway, BITCH!"

"It's a public street, BITCH!"

"So, it's a private drive, BITCH!"

"BITCH!"

"BITCH!!"

"FUCKING BITCH!!"

At this point, the guy who owned the house next door, the one we were at, loudly reminds both women that there are children present. Angry Homeowner Lady retreats to her house (to wait for the next schmuck who has the bad luck of being two feet in front of her driveway), and Truck Lady gets in her truck and drives away.

I can see both sides to it, but really, people get into fights over the dumbest shit. If you live in a place that hosts the mother-of-all garage sales, you should not be shocked if someone parks in front of your drive. Most people try to be courteous and not do that, but sometimes, it happens. Secondly, if you really must have your drive clear at all times, put a sign up or something. And third, kicking someones car and shouting profanities in front of your neighbors is going to quickly earn you Crazy Cat Lady title, and you will not be invited to any more neighborhood picnics. In fact, someone is going to leave a flaming sac of dog shit on your porch.

Mom and I stopped by Indy's house, who had also put stuff out for sale. With the amount of crap that boy has in his basement, he could have a sale that would rival Walmart, and would talked about for years to come. However, there was an issue with his garage door malfunctioning, not to mention that he still can't bear to part with any of his crap, he didn't have a huge sale.

Indy is one of those homeowners that is all about things looking nice outside. He likes it when houses have landscaping, and are clean, and are in neat, cookie-cutter order. I remember when he went with me to look at houses, and one house I liked a lot, but he hated it for the simple fact that the neighbor's house was grossly cluttered with toys, lawnmowers, and an old Volkswagen Beetle.

For the past year or so, Indy has been complaining about his new neighbors, which I am guessing upgraded from a trailer park in Gardner, and brought some of their NASCAR-loving family. They immediately put a banged up derby car in the driveway. A trailer on the side of the house, and a huge deck in the front. The kind of decks that are generally built in the back of a house. One room features hot pink curtains you can see from the street, and in a big house with an equally big central AC unit, all the rooms have their own little $98 window AC unit poking out of the windows.

I didn't see a Dale Earnhardt flag. I'm guessing they took it down to be washed.

Obviously, this subdivision is not governed by an HOA.

So while Mom was perusing Indy's garage sale offerings, I was busy laughing my ass off.

You know what they say about Karma...