Thursday, October 29, 2009

Who Does This??

One of the girls I work went out to her car the other day, and was greeted with one missing tire. Apparently, her robbers only needed one, because that's all they took, leaving her car propped up on a wooden block.

Is the economy so bad that people have to resort to this?? I hate people who do this kind of crap...steal from people who work really hard to get what they have, only to have some pinhead skulk over in the middle of the night and help themselves to what they didn't earn, and not theirs.

This girl is probably one of the sweetest girls you could ever meet, so it really sucks that this happened to her.

And for that reason, I can only hope the tire blows out while car is being driven down 435, flips over, and the robbers end up with limbs missing.

Or they can just burn in the car fire.

My Nose is Going to Fall Off and Other Blather

So, I was sick with the crud a week or so ago. I don't think it was flu, I think it was just some other crud going around. Back to work, life should return to normal, right?

Nope, this week, I'm having a huge allergy flare-up. I really need to see an allergist so they can do that allergy test to tell me exactly what makes me so miserable. It's probably George. And oxygen.

So, I've been sneezing all over the place, and working down in the laundry room makes it worse because of all the drywall dust and general dust I'm stirring up in rearranging the garage and storage room. But I have to help because that is part of my home remodeling arrangement with Mr. Recommendation (I probably should invest in some masks...or just appropriate some from work.) With the sneezes, come the snotty nose and I have rubbed said nose off down to a little nub (even with fancy-schmancy tissues with lotion). Anyone know who Michael Jackson used to get his fake noses from? I figured I could pick out a cute little button nose instead of the board straight Nordic nose I inherited from my father's side.

Funny thing about the sneezes. I get a couple good ones in, strong and loud because I can do that in my own home, and it makes my spine tingle. I haven't decided if I like it. I probably need a spinal alignment. I'll just add it to my list of crap to do.

I've been reading up on the plague, I mean, swine flu. Wichita is getting hit pretty hard, and it's only going to come to Kansas City and make for a long, miserable winter for health care workers. I didn't realize that a variation of this flu made a big splash in the 70's-80's, which is why you see the younger people getting hit harder than the older folks. Most the older folks have already been exposed and have some sort of immunity. Us young'uns...not so much. I'm sure it doesn't help that the younger generation has been fed antibiotics as an after school snack for every sniffle since birth. Plus, if you have some sort of respiratory issue, you're really in for a kick in the ass if you catch this one. If ever were a good reason to quit smoking, now would be a good time to start.

I called my mother and asked her if I got sick with it when I was younger, in hopes of not having to take the vaccine. I wasn't, and she's making me get the vaccine. My mother making her 34 year old RN daughter get the H1N1 vaccine. Sheesh. She may be small, but don't piss her off.

I still stand by my original opinion that this flu isn't any worse than regular flu. I guess more people are taking notice because it's targeting young people. Regular flu kills tons of old people every year, and yet it barely registers even a blip on the radar of the media. Won't anyone think of the old people???

Wash your hands. Cough in a hankie. And for God's sake, if you are sick, stay the fuck home! No matter if you have garden variety flu, swine flu, or Klingon flu.

This morning, I woke up way early and decided to make a trip to Hellmart, which surprisingly, was nice and quiet and deserted, save for the workers who were stocking the shelves. I bought way too much Halloween candy. I bought some good candy for the kids who actually wear costumes this year, and then Dum Dum pops (get it?) for those who don't bother...but that is a rant best saved for another post.

I think I will go back to bed for a little nap before going shopping for new frilly unmentionables. Good bra shopping is serious business, and I need to be well rested and completely focused when I go.

Friday, October 23, 2009

The Most Heinous Thing You Will See Today...Or Not

As most of you know, I sell sex toys as a hobby. At some point, I will decide actually get serious about it and make enough money to be able to quit nursing and be the next Dr. Sue. Thus far, I've started doing a radio segment once a week to discuss all things sex.

I do this because I want people to be empowered, and I want the right information to get out there.With that in mind, this website was brought to my attention by some of my other sex-toy sling colleagues. The Netflix of sex toys, it is Rent-a-Dildo.com.

I didn't stutter. You read that right.

The premise is exactly like Netflix. You pay a monthly fee, you pick out a toy, and it comes to you "clean". You keep the toy for as long as it blows your skirt up, and when you are done, you send it back and they send you the next toy in your queue.

Who the hell thought of this? What the hell were they thinking? And most importantly, what drug were they on when they thought this would actually be a good idea????

So, let's say Earl McDumbass and his wife Twila are wanting to add spice to their sex lives. They go to Rent-a-Dildo (I shudder every time I type that) and pick out the double-ended, two-foot pink jelly dong. It arrives. Earl and Twila get their freak on with said toy for two solid weeks. After that time, the DETFPJD has lost it's luster and Earl remembers that the next item on their list is a replica of John Holmes' Butthole -o-Pleasure. Earl and Twila send the DETFPJD back to the headquarters, and anxiously await the arrival of their new toy.

Did I mention that Twila and Earl might bathe once a week? And that Earl has anal warts? And Twila has herpes? And the single wide trailer they reside at The Mayfair is held together by Elmer's Glue, duct tape, and mouse poop.

So, DETFPJD goes back to headquarters where it is allegedly cleaned, sterilized, and repackaged to be sent out for the next eagerly waiting client...your grandparents.

NONONONONONONONONONONO!!!!!!!!!

You know, I once had a nursey friend tell me about a patient she took care of that used to go dumpster diving in a college town. On one of their DD safaris, the woman came across some student's discarded Mr. Willy. She hurried home with her treasure, and after cleaning it with soap and water, proceeded to tickle herself into the throes of rapture.

Months later, she ends up with a severe case of rotten crotch and cervical cancer.

Your parents instill in you the values of sharing, but in life, there are certain things you probably should not share...underwear, toothbrush, needles, and sex toys. You buy these things brand new, and when they wear out, fulfill their need, you discard them. Sex with people and with toys are a lot alike in the respect that you don't who or what they came in contact before you entered the picture. I don't care how well they claim to clean it...would you like to get your rocks off with a rabbit who's previous user had some mutant AIDS strain that was impervious to most standard disinfecting agents???? Sure, they guarantee the cleanliness, but would you really want to take that chance???

Overall, Rent-a-Dildo is probably the most retarded idea. Ever. And I say that because even a Downs Syndrome person would look at it and say, "That's fucking retarded!" Because it is. It's retarded, and disgusting, and the people who came up with this idea needs to have their heads examined.

But they are not accepting paying customers yet. Right now, it's in Beta testing. With any luck, the company never gets off the ground. However, if you are an adventure-seeking moron, feel free to sign up for email updates so you can be among the first to get in line and await your turn to have a go with the replica Jenna Jameson Poonanny!!

A Netflix for porn would be a better idea, but I don't know of anyone that sticks a dvd in their vagina or ass for a thrill either. But then, I don't work in the ER, so I'm privy to all the shit they pull out of orifices there.

For $20 a month, you can build up your own arsenal of pleasure without the risk. Hell, I will even sell them to you.

For the time being, I'm going to go throw up.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Sex and Candy

Tonight, I am hosting a chocolate tasting party courtesy of Dove Chocolate Discoveries. I figured that because the demo isn't horribly long, I'd bust out a little demo from my Passion Parties inventory.

Plus, I'm making white sangria.

So, we have chocolate, toys, and a wine-based beverage. All the things a girl could possibly want, all under one roof.

I really need to finish cleaning the house. And I need to run to the store and buy a few last-minute things.

Instead, I'm here on the computer, blogging about it.

There's no shame in my procrastination game.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Nurse Follies: Another Example of Needed Healthcare Reform

The son of one of my mother's friends, took his girlfriend to Liberty Hospital because she fell ill. Not allergies or some pud thing like that. No, she was full on sick. Debilitating sick. Judging from the symptoms, it smacked of swine flu.

Anyway, they go to Liberty and they run a mono test. Negative. They run a strep test. Also negative. They tell her she's going to be discharged and sent home.

But wait, the boyfriend interjects, you didn't test her for swine flu.

Well, it turns out that the girlfriend didn't have insurance. And the test to diagnose H1N1 was too expensive to do on someone who didn't have insurance, and therefore, they refused to do it.

Have a nice day!

Fuckers. I've always disliked that hospital.

Anyway, last I knew, the boyfriend was going to take her to another hospital, one that actually gave two shits about treating sick people and not about money, and hopefully she won't infect anyone else in her travels to seek care.

But what about the law that says a hospital can't deny treatment because of your ability to pay? That only applies to emergent cases. I'd wager that while Liberty will initially treat the uninsured, they immediately ship them to another hospital once they are stable. I don't have to bet money, I've talked to people who have witnessed this firsthand.

Cock sucking assholes.

I'm happy I work at a hospital where we treat anyone, regardless of their inability to pay. I've never once heard a doctor deny treatment to someone because they were uninsured. I've never heard of a patient get preferential treatment because they had better coverage.

So, here's to you, Liberty Hospital. May you choke on your own self-righteousness and may your entire administrative staff get struck down with the clap. Or better, the swine flu.

And may your insurance plan not cover the cure.

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

General Observations on Dating

Mom and I went out to eat the other night. From my vantage point, I observed a couple. And from what I overheard, it was a first date.

He was dressed in jeans, running shoes with no socks, and a button-down shirt. Sounds okay, right? Well, it would have been fine, and I probably wouldn't have noticed him in the first place if he had his shirt buttoned. Now, I'm not talking about all the way up to the top button, but for the love of God, all the way down to your belly button isn't acceptable either. But there it was, chest fuzz for all the world to feast upon. The only thing missing was the heavy gold chain. Oh, and to further cement his douche bag look, he left the cuffs on his shirt unbuttoned so they would flop around when he waved his hands in the air. You know, because nothing says hipster cool like a guy who dresses to impress in sloppy Guido wear. I bet money he spent at least an hour in front of the mirror before his big date perfecting his "I don't care about being trendy" look.

He kept glancing at me, probably because I have special Douche Bag Radar. And big boobs.

So his date, you know the type...looks like every other girl who goes to Power and Light and doesn't have an original thought bobbing around in their head. I don't know why Guido was trying so hard, it was painfully obvious she was going to put out at the end of the evening.

Even though he totally took her to Sweet Tomato on their first date.