Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Nurse Follies: Because Patients Have "Needs", Too

Humans are, innately, sexual beings. Hedonistic in nature, but having the wiring for reasoning and self control...for the most part. Which is why most people don't just stop and fornicate anytime, anywhere, with anyone. Of course, there are exceptions. You hear about these people all the time...prostitutes, most anyone under 35 who lives in Miami, Paris Hilton, and those people who are on the "Caught on Camera" shows.

Normally, when folks come to the hospital, they exercise their self control and refrain from doing anything remotely sexual while a patient. Think about it...hospitals are breeding grounds for nasty bacterial like MRSA, VRE, and microbes that haven't even been identified yet. Why, oh why, would you want to make the beast with two backs in a setting like that??? Not only is it unromantic, un-sensual, and un-erotic. It's just downright nasty.

However, there are those who leave all class at home. That's assuming they even had class to begin with. And it's never even a normal couple doing intimate things. It's the most fucked up situations that ultimately end up with the nursing staff having to seek help in the form of eye bleach and a partial lobotomy.

Like the time I walked in on a mother and her middle-aged daughter in the shower together. Naked. The daughter claimed she was helping her mom shower. NAKED!!!

Or the time a nurse stumbled upon a wife giving her husband a "mouth hug" while their young children stood sentry outside the door. To be fair, it could have been a dying man's last request because he did put in for the "God Consult" three days later.

Or maybe the patient whose daughter was thoughtful enough to bring in a vibrator from her own personal stash for Mom to use while she was there. Did I mention it was the daughter's toy?? She made a point to tell us that she "cleaned it real good" before she brought it in.

Or the chronic masturbator whose favorite pastime was to try to trick the nurses into walking in his room at the most opportune times. And he would leave his splooge towels laying everywhere instead of having the decency of tossing them in the hamper.

Or the girl who spooned with her father. In the bed. While she was hooked up to various machines. Not surprisingly, she was also a stripper.

Or the the time I walked in on man orally pleasuring his woman on the exam table. At a free health clinic. After we chased him out, I assisted the doctor with the pelvic exam on the woman. Her crotch smelled so bad from the various STDs she was hosting, I fainted. Literally. I never went back after that day. Because I was both embarrassed, and repulsed.

My hetero status was firmly cemented that day.

I'm a huge fan of sex. Obviously, I sell sex toys. (Did you know that a study conducted revealed that doctors and nurses have better sex than those who do not work in the medical profession? No?? It was determined because we are more self-aware than laypeople.) However, that doesn't mean you're going to catch me in the stairwell conducting a physical assessment on some lucky guy. Not even if I was there as a patient.

Some would argue that patients have needs, too, but really...why would you subject your nurse to the risk of having to witness any of it??? There's a right time and place for that sort of thing...none of which involve an environment where you can find traces of 25 different types of body fluids on your shoes...and that's just after walking through the cafeteria.

So for the love of God and all that is Holy...KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS AND WAIT UNTIL YOU GET HOME!!!!


bobbie said...

LMAO!! Or when you go flying into a pt's room, only to discover that the V tach you saw on the monitor was actually the guy playing with himself!!
And let's not forget the shenanigans of the staff themselves!

Donna said...


... said...

I'm laughing so much I can barely turn my head and cough. Thanks.

Candice said...

Oh sweet Jesus. Luckily I haven't had the pleasure of seeing super sick shit like that in the ER. Oy!

So you sell sex toys huh? How bout a discount for ya girl? ;) I'll even accept any used toys of yours that you may be finished using, if you'd like. NOT!

Heather said...

I offer special discount for all nurses...because I know how much we need the stress relief. lol

Shicho said...

"Did you know that a study conducted revealed that doctors and nurses have better sex than those who do not work in the medical profession? No?? It was determined because we are more self-aware than laypeople."

I'll vouch for that.

All through college I dated nothing but nurses.

Didn't mean to, wasn't planned, just turned out that way.

After about a year my friends started carping, saying I spent so much time in hospitals I ought to be a...Doc.

Rachel said...

I've spent a couple of stints in the hospital, and never knew this was an option. DAMN! Just kidding. Actually, it would gross me out to do anything in a hospital. May as well lay your naked body on a hotel bed spread. ICK

Candice said...

Okay Heather, I want a quote on a toy that requires a hand pull to start and a back up generator.

Got anything like that?

Heather said...

Nothing like that...although I'm sure we could find an engineer-minded person to set up a vibrator hooked up to jumper cables and a car battery.

Mo said...

OMG. This is one part of nursing that never even crossed my mind. I'm going to start planning some smart-ass things to say to people I catch in the act. Oh the fun that awaits.

gmcountrymama said...

I am glad we don't have patients like those at our country hospital. I mean, I wish we didn't have patients like those. UGH!

Anonymous said...

From what I've heard, I'd have thought you were writing about the doctors and nurses! lol

bobbie said...

and after watching that video, I may never be able to watch the Discovery channel again!

RDM said...

I'm in tears.

reuts_wife said...

I'M a blogger NOW! You know this will make for some good reading.