Wednesday, March 25, 2009

A Tale of Two Lesbians: A Perfect Couple

There is a saying, fairly old, that you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince. Or my cousin's case, your princess.

If there is one absolute that can be said of my Militant Lesbian Cousin Rosie, is that she can't find normal, decent either men nor women.

Her first husband, liked to wear women's underwear and lived life on the DL...that's Down Low for you innocent types. Even more to the point, he liked to play with other guys, then go home to his wife. He was a nice guy, but really had no business being married. Rosie claimed that he was too feminine for her tastes.

Second husband, Bubba, as I like to refer to him. Weighs probably close to one metric ton, and is a guard at a local prison for criminals. Not the hardened type, but more the kind with the soft, chewy center. Rosie ditched her first husband for this gem. In fact, Rosie and I once shared an apartment when she moved this ass-clown in then couldn't understand why I demanded that he pay rent also. I only went grocery shopping once, spent $100, and Bubba depleted everything in less than a day. A sloth of a man, I could never understand the attraction...between either of them.

First Lesbian Girlfriend...seemed normal at first, but almost 20 years younger than Rosie. They were together for years, their relationship fairly unremarkable. Then FLG left Rosie for another guy, but just long enough to get pregnant and go back to Rosie with the "look, we can be a family" pitch. Along the way, she may have also banged a couple of their other lesbian friends.

New Lesbian Girlfriend (in her early-to-mid 20's to Rosie's early 40's)...initially, talked up as the first normal person Rosie has been "in lurrrvvve" with. NLG makes nutritious meals so Rosie can shed some weight and be healthy. My Aunt boasts that NLG is the best thing to happen to Rosie. The rest of the family shrugs in indifference. What we are experiencing is some sort of Rosie's Bad Partner Fatigue.

NLG is gainfully employed. She works only one night a week, from the hours of 9pm to 5pm and makes between $400-$500. Sounds like a fairly sweet deal, right? Because that leaves her with more time to cook for my cousin.


NLG has a friend. A man in his 60's. And her job is to spend the night with this man.

One night a week. From the hours of 9pm and 5 am.

Chains and whips sometimes included.

"That's a whore," I explain to my mother when she told me.
"A dominatrix?"
"Nope...just a whore. In the big city, we like to call them prostitutes."

The best part? Rosie knew about this, ahem, job beforehand. And thought it was a pretty neat deal. That paid good money.

I sat down and calculated. That would make L-Ho pulling down between $50-62 an hour. I know nurses who make that, and they don't have to have sex with someone old enough to be their grandpa.

Another added bonus, one of L-Ho's exes had the HIV/AIDS. Anyone care to wager that condoms are not part of the equation for these weekly visits??

But to hear Rosie tell it, L-Ho is the best she's ever had...both in and out of the sack. She gushes that they are so good for each other.

If by good you mean a possible STD-carrying whore is the perfect partner, why not???

You know, sometimes, there are worse things than being single.

I'll shut up about my date drought now.


Rachel said...

Wow. You were right. Nobody could make this stuff up!

KC Sponge said...

Oh, Rosie, Rosie, Rosie - there are plenty of other fish in the sea.

Nuke said...

Dominatrix = beat your ass for money (I have known a couple), but no sex.

Despite whips, chains, ostrich feathers, or Luchador masks, if NLG is boning the guy she is a TOTAL hooker.

As for the STD thing, is Rosie bright enough to have NLG get checked, and checked often? All the healthy meals and "lurrrvvve" in the worlds don't kill HIV or Hep.

Melinda said...

Ah, you never disappoint. My mouth hung open when I read the job of NLG. Wow.

RCH said...

ROFLMAO! Wow. Just wow. *giggle*

PlazaJen said...

It's too bad Springer's not still on. They could get some extra cash just telling their story.
Wow. Rosie likes drama!

Donna said...

Unbelievable. And so funny.

Candice said...

I'm definitely in the wrong line of work...

I Travel for JOOLS said...

Found out I am one of the innocent types ... And think I'll keep it that way.

Spyder said...

Holy hooker Batman!