My relationship disasters are legend. They have gone from mild amusement/annoyance, to a mind fuck so severe, that it took years to get over it. As a result, I have developed some pretty serious self-defense mechanisms that up until now, I have always thought beneficial. Now, I have come to realize they are to my detriment.
I recently met a guy. We started to see each other. He was perfect. It was as if some grand architect took my exact specifications as to what I wanted and needed, and then plopped the finished product into my lap. I felt that for all the bad things I have gone through in my life, he was my reward for enduring. It was an amazing feeling. And it scared the hell out of me.
He said all the right things. Got my humor. Made me think. Challenged the way I viewed things. We liked the same things. Believed the same things. The Laurel to my Hardy. The Good Cop to my Bad Cop. All the while, I would look at him and wonder, "How could something so magnificent be meant for me?" Things like this never happen to me. Guys crawl over me to get to whomever is sitting next to me. I've met sheep all the time who later revealed the wolf within.
Surely, I thought, this rug will be pulled out from under me. And so the defense mechanisms kicked in.
He told me there was no rug. No other shoe that would be dropped. He is old-fashioned in his thinking in that his word is his honor, and a handshake is a binding contract. Men like him do not exist in this day and age where everyone is out for themselves. Only hipster-douche bags who will tell you whatever you want to hear to get what they want.
But he told me to trust him, and on the periphery I did, but deep in my brain, came that voice that flipped the red-alarm and reminded me that I've heard this all before, and it ended very, very poorly. Don't get hurt, it warned.
And then came the doubts. And the baseless scenarios played out in my mind. If nothing but to start building up that wall that would protect me from what would be certain disappointment. He didn't understand it, when he had been honest with me. His word should be good enough, then why was I not believing him?
Then, a breakdown in trust occurred. Not that he didn't trust me...he trusted everything I said. But apparently, I didn't trust him. And therein lies my greatest flaw, the one thing that keeps me from having what I want the most. My inability to trust. And it stems all the way back to the 18 year old that realized that her own dad thought that death was a better alternative than living and watching his children grow. Because if you can't trust your own father, isn't everyone else just going to jump ship and bail on you as well?
And I recognize that. And it kills me when I think of all the personal relationships that I have subconsciously sabotaged as a result of it.
Where does that leave me now? I may have ruined my one chance at being happy, and I have no one to blame but myself.
So here we are. I'm damaged goods, and he is at home coming to this realization, that the idea of "us" is not worth the effort. I wish I could convey the feelings in spoken words that so easily come to me on paper, because then I wouldn't sound like such a dithering moron.
I would love to just open up and let someone in. I would love to have that peace that I have been searching for. I long for it as a parched man longs for a drink of water.
Maybe I am truly destined to be alone.