Thursday, January 14, 2010

Heather Fucks It Up Again

My relationship disasters are legend. They have gone from mild amusement/annoyance, to a mind fuck so severe, that it took years to get over it. As a result, I have developed some pretty serious self-defense mechanisms that up until now, I have always thought beneficial. Now, I have come to realize they are to my detriment.

I recently met a guy. We started to see each other. He was perfect. It was as if some grand architect took my exact specifications as to what I wanted and needed, and then plopped the finished product into my lap. I felt that for all the bad things I have gone through in my life, he was my reward for enduring. It was an amazing feeling. And it scared the hell out of me.

He said all the right things. Got my humor. Made me think. Challenged the way I viewed things. We liked the same things. Believed the same things. The Laurel to my Hardy. The Good Cop to my Bad Cop. All the while, I would look at him and wonder, "How could something so magnificent be meant for me?" Things like this never happen to me. Guys crawl over me to get to whomever is sitting next to me. I've met sheep all the time who later revealed the wolf within.

Surely, I thought, this rug will be pulled out from under me. And so the defense mechanisms kicked in.

He told me there was no rug. No other shoe that would be dropped. He is old-fashioned in his thinking in that his word is his honor, and a handshake is a binding contract. Men like him do not exist in this day and age where everyone is out for themselves. Only hipster-douche bags who will tell you whatever you want to hear to get what they want.

But he told me to trust him, and on the periphery I did, but deep in my brain, came that voice that flipped the red-alarm and reminded me that I've heard this all before, and it ended very, very poorly. Don't get hurt, it warned.

And then came the doubts. And the baseless scenarios played out in my mind. If nothing but to start building up that wall that would protect me from what would be certain disappointment. He didn't understand it, when he had been honest with me. His word should be good enough, then why was I not believing him?

Then, a breakdown in trust occurred. Not that he didn't trust me...he trusted everything I said. But apparently, I didn't trust him. And therein lies my greatest flaw, the one thing that keeps me from having what I want the most. My inability to trust. And it stems all the way back to the 18 year old that realized that her own dad thought that death was a better alternative than living and watching his children grow. Because if you can't trust your own father, isn't everyone else just going to jump ship and bail on you as well?

And I recognize that. And it kills me when I think of all the personal relationships that I have subconsciously sabotaged as a result of it.

Where does that leave me now? I may have ruined my one chance at being happy, and I have no one to blame but myself.

So here we are. I'm damaged goods, and he is at home coming to this realization, that the idea of "us" is not worth the effort. I wish I could convey the feelings in spoken words that so easily come to me on paper, because then I wouldn't sound like such a dithering moron.

I would love to just open up and let someone in. I would love to have that peace that I have been searching for. I long for it as a parched man longs for a drink of water.

Maybe I am truly destined to be alone.

14 comments:

StorytellERdoc said...

What an honest post...with self-awareness, though, you already sound like you've got the problem identified, now do something about it!

Thanks for your honesty. well done.

m.v. said...

given a certain history,I may not be in the best position to comment here, but I kinda know how you feel.I pretty much fucked up every relationship I was in, and after my kid moves out it will be just me and the cat.Except I have no idea why I am this way,I never had any childhood trauma I can trace it back to.sucks to be like this but after few tries I don't expect anything else to happen. if he is who you think he is,maybe read this post to him and see what happens.there are second chances,I never had or given one but I heard from other people they exist.good luck

crustybastard said...

That was powerful. Damn.

me said...

Talk to him, girl ~ go talk to him!!!
Sending you positive thoughts for peace & understanding & serenity ~~~

Xavier Onassis said...

I wish I had some good advice. But every relationship I've ever had has ended and the only thing they all have in common is me.

But I have to think that if you talked to him and were as honest, open and vulnerable with his as you were with us, he would listen.

Give it a shot. What do you have to lose?

Donna said...

I'm speechless. I think some of the other comments have some good advice.

KansasCityGypsy said...

They're right - this is what he needs to hear. All is not lost. And no one is perfect. Mr. Charming has yet unrevealed vulnerabilities and quirks that you, too, will have to learn to love and live with if you're serious that he may be the one you're willing to hang in there with.

What do you have to lose?

KansasCityGypsy said...

P.S. I'm a Heather, too. :)

IDigSmartLadies said...

No one is perfect, and everyone has "idiosyncrasies". There is no "the one" for anyone. It's simply a continuum of unacceptable vs. acceptable, and while most fall into the former, there is a fraction of the population that will be in the latter for enough of the important categories that they'll be an acceptable long term choice. I don't believe ANYONE has "one" chance at being happy. The best partner so far in their lives, sure, but there are ALWAYS more potential partners out there.

To comment on your post, and to put it into computer terms, you're analyzing the tradeoff between security versus accessibility. Make something completely secure, and you'll ruin user access. Make it completely usable and accessible in all scenarios, and it will not be secure. Finding the appropriate balance between the two--That's where the magic happens.

I admire your openness and honesty. It takes a lot of strength to post stuff like that, especially knowing that people you work with read it.

pre-midlife pre-nursing student said...

Wow. We're in the same sort of predicament. My boyfriend of over 8 months ended things with me at the beginning of the year. He told me although I made him happy, the idiosyncrasies he had with me took precedence. I'm telling myself if he wants to work things out within 2 months, I'll give it a go. But if 2 months pass by and I still don't hear a word, we were truly NOT meant to be. I'm getting some good insight from this book called "Getting To I Do". (I know how cliche!) But I'm starting to worry at my age and haven't met someone who wants to seriously commit to me. I'm wondering if it's me, the guys I'm picking, or really about the "timing" hype. This last boyfriend wasn't the typical A-hole, he was actually the nice guy who treated me like a lady. I realize I'm not perfect; no one really is. It's all about being compatible and the connection. If there is no give or take, then it's really not worth it. So I would suggest that if he's WORTH IT TO YOU: CALL HIM. ;)

Melinda said...

Everyone is damaged goods in some way. But now that you have identified it, you can take steps to correct it. Like say, "Stop it, damned internal voice! You're full of crap!" Hokey, yes. But if you don't shut up your inner voice, it won't go away. Brains are wired to remember, even the bad things, but it's your job to dig out the bad memories and tell yourself that not everything ends poorly. Inner you won't believe it for a long time, but you have to fight, and it sounds like you think this guy is worth fighting yourself for. Now shut up your inner voice and talk to the guy.

Spyder said...

Talk to him! I did 25 years ago! Still do. Heather, if you can put it here you can talk to him. Even if it's just reading this post to him, or giving it to him. Hugs

Joe said...

My wife (#3 on the scorecard) had to examine why she heard the same "tapes" in her head when I was nothing like her ex husbands. It took her a while but now she doesn't hear the tapes nearly as often and we're pretty happy.
Now that you know the issue, only you can take the necessary steps. Show this man the email and tell him you don't want to be like this anymore. You've got nothing to lose.

Bill the Painter said...

In the real world, trust CAN lead to hurt. In your world, trust MUST lead to hurt. Therein lies the problem.

Being hurt really sucks, but it's part of life and living. The hurt will go away eventually. Call it a learning experience.

It is OK to trust someone once they have earned it. The man who breaks that trust is an asshole and makes it harder on the rest of us who value that trust.

The bottom line is that it is NOT your fault! It's also not too late to heal those feelings.

It is worth explaining the situation to him. Open up to him and let him know your true feelings. HE is the one who should be reading this post! Any man who reads this and walks away wasn't worth your time anyway.

Keep your chin up!