Nurse Follies: The Shrink Is In

There must be something about my face that says, "Tell me everything. Even if I don't ask for it."

Case in point...

We received a transfer from Podunk Community Hospital and Tractor Supply Store. The nurse who called to give me report was someone who had apparently been in the nursing game a while, but her exposure to anything outside of vanilla was next to none.

"He has a partner," She whispered scandalously over the phone. "A boyfriend!! And the boyfriend will be coming with the patient!"

I rolled my eyes. Big stinking deal. I almost told her to call me back when she actually had something impressive to tell me, like the guy grew tentacles from his nose or gave birth to a grilled cheese sandwich. Small town corn-holing rednecks. I hate them with the burning passion of a thousand Twilight fans.

At any rate, a couple hours later, the patient arrives, and after five minutes with him, I have decided he's an obnoxious asshole. It also helps that he told me that he's an asshole.

"That's okay," I reply. "I'm a bigger one."

Asshole Patient has sores on his feet, to which I ask what they were from. He shrugs, "I don't know."

"You don't know? What do you mean you don't know? Did you wake up one morning and they had magically appeared with the help of woodland gnomes?"

Other Half arrives and I get the patient settled, but not before listening to his million complaints about everything else. The patient was one of those types who tries hard to be a smartass because he thinks he's very clever at it, when in reality, instead of coming off funny, he comes off like a ginormous douche bag. Every staff member who enters his room comes out with the distinct impression that this guy is a colossal tool.

Other Half leaves to go home, and I go to draw blood on the patient. As I am working, he starts talking.

Patient: Yeah, we've been having relationship problems.

Me: Relationships are challenging.

Patient: I know! But it's my fault because I'm so jealous. I'm the jealous type...and I'm an asshole.

Me: ...

Patient: But the Other Half promised me that he was going to tell his friend that he can't come over to the house anymore unless I am home.

Me: Sounds like you have suspicions about the friend.

Patient: Oh yes! He's after my Other Half, but Other Half assures me that he's just a friend from prison.

What the hell do you say to something like that??? Reassure the dude that Special Friend and Other Half spent their time in the clink just playing dominoes and watching Young and the Restless on the common room??

No, I just kept my yap shut and finished drawing his labs. With my recent relationship failure, I'm the last person who should be giving relationship advice. The best I can do is pat his arm and give him an ice cold Pepsi.

Which was exactly what the staff doctor did for me when she came in the following morning and found out he was my patient. Apparently, Pepsi is the great healer of wounds.

I hate Pepsi. Pass the Prozac.