Sunday, October 02, 2005

Dum, dum, de, dum!!

Well, I went to the wedding yesterday...and it was unlike any other wedding I've been to (only because I've only been to one Catholic wedding before, and even then I wasn't paying attention).

I called Paul (my date) to get directions to his house.
Me: What's up?
Paul: I'm just driving to Springfield.
Me: (barely audible gasp) Springfield??
Paul: Yes...Springfield, Missouri
Me: (Starting to panic) Did you forget?
Paul: Forget what?
Paul: It is?
Me: (stunned silence)

Paul finally can't handle it and busts out laughing. For once, someone has rendered me speechless. Butthole. My retribution will be great and terrible as the sun. As treacherous as the sea!

I drove down to Gardner to pick up Paul...which is clean down in south JoCo. He decided to drive, which was fine with me...I had the map. So, we haul ass to Olathe and find the Catholic church and rush inside. I sign the guestbook and one of the girls manning the table hands me a program. I glance at the front at the names of the couple. I pale.

"I don't...Jason and Jennifer...I don't know who these people are!" I choke as the wedding party, who is preparing to march into the chapel, turn and stare at me.

Paul starts laughing hysterically as I try talk to one of the ushers. They tell me there is another Catholic chapel on the other side of the Parrish building. So, we leave (Paul is still laughing), and bust on over to the other Catholic chapel where we come across a small group of people hurrying across the parking lot.

"Paula and John?" they ask as they point the smaller chapel.
"Jason and Jennifer" I say as I indicate to the large building behind me. We rush inside and take our seat in pew before a guy in full Marine dress traps us in our seat with a roll of toole.

The bridal party marches down the isle. The first bridesmaid has a tatoo on her back of some tribal character playing a horn. Paul tries to contain himself, so he is laughing silently and staring down at his shoes. The second bridesmaid passes and she has wings tatooed on her shoulder angel wings. I hope that Paul won't look up, but he does, and his body starts to shudder because he is trying not to lose his composure (and oddly enough looks as though he is going int convulsions). I thought he was going to send himself into an asthma attack.

Paula comes down the isle after about a dozen bridesmaids. Paul whispers, "I know her!" To which I reply, "Do you need to leave?"

The wedding was very Catholic. I thought of my friend, Rachel, who loves Catholic culture. Stand up, sit down, say this, sing that. I just sat there feeling somewhat out of place. Paul was Catholic, so he participated as a good Catholic should.

An hour later, the wedding ends and we get to pelt birdseed at the bride and groom as they make their getaway in a bus. A bus!! How romantic. We have 2 hours to kill before the reception, so Paul decides he needs lip balm and we go to the mall. Did I mention I'm wearing the most uncomfortable shoes on the planet??

We kill time at the mall. Paul marvels that I don't buy anything as he wants to buy everything he sees. He is a metrosexual. If there is such a thing as a metrosexual female...I'm the furthest thing from it.

Ahh...finally, the reception. A very nice, very Johnson county sit-down dinner affair...with a Polka band (the groom is Polish). Paul got to talk to all the people he knew (which was quite a few), and I ran into one other person I knew besides the bride. Small world. There was a wierd lady who kept coming over to our table to snag bits and pieces of our centerpiece...which is funny because our table's theme was Little Shop of Horrors (ironic, I know) and part of the centerpiece included toothbrushes and dental floss. There was an open bar. I think I was the only one who thought a bunch of drunk Catholics trying to cross themselves was highly amusing.

Overall, a nice...SEVEN HOUR event. My feet still hurt, which is funny considering I didn't dance (I don't know how to polka dance). Paul asked how LDS receptions differed, and I just said, "Cake, mints, nuts, punch, receiving line, go home." I won't be the first one to say how boring I find LDS wedding receptions (with the exception of the Kieffers, who always have a pinata at their receptions). I'm getting tired just thinking about the one I have to attend in a couple of weeks.

When (or if) I get married, I'm just going to elope.

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