Saturday, November 26, 2005

The Chronicles of 'bert

This Thanksgiving, I got to spend some time with my brother Mike, who often enlightens the family with humorous tales of him and others. This time, he told us of his best friend 'bert...which is obviously a nickname. I feel compelled to blog about it because the stories are just too good to not share...and I still can't make this stuff up.


A couple days before Thanksgiving, Mike and 'bert are driving down a country road. At the end of the road, there is a small cluster of wild turkeys. Mike jokingly suggests that 'bert try to hit one of them. 'bert readily agrees and accelerates. His car finds its mark on the slowest turkey of the bunch (Darwinism at work) and smacks it just as it was flying out of the way. 'bert stops the car and they get out to inspect the damage. There, on the side of the road, lays a dead turkey...who suffered a quick death at the hands of GM.

Now, one might say that this was a cruel and inhumane thing. However, upon looking at the turkey, 'bert says, "This will save us having to buy a turkey for Thanksgiving." And with such words, he scoops up the catch of the day and deposits it in the back of the car. To our knowledge, 'bert's family did eat the turkey for Thanksgiving. Mike told him to save enough for a sandwich.

Is this incident wrong if the outcome was to feed your family?? I can't think of anyone who would think to run over a turkey for the purpose of eating it later...except 'bert.


Mike and 'bert go out to the local watering hole and proceed to drink their weight in grain alcohol. Mike, recognizing he was in no shape to drive, passes the keys to 'bert...who really wasn't in any better condition. At 4 in the morning, eats at McDonalds sounds like a fine idea. At the drive-thru, both inebriated men order their food. Mike then immediately passes out in the passenger seat. 'bert pulls up to the drive-thru window, and then passes out while the clerk gets his change. So, you have a car at the drive-thru at McDonalds, and both occupants are passed out.

I thought strange stuff like that only happened at my job.

I imagine trouble with the law ensued after that, but I don't know for certain because Mike wouldn't elaborate...either that or he just didn't remember.

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