Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Scientific Method at its Finest!!

Did you know that you can get a grant to study anything?? And our government is dumb enough to happily accomodate. After all, doesn't everyone need to know how fast ketchup comes out of a bottle??

The latest example of really dumb research comes from a presentation given this week at the annual meeting of the Radiological Society of North America. It was there that researchers revealed what we have guessed, but never known for certain:

Fatter asses require longer needles for intramuscular injections.

I can't imagine how the scientific process of this research came to pass, but using the standard scientific method, one can assume that it went something like this:

1. Observation: "We have observed that the posteriors of Americans have been growing at an alarming rate with the invention of the super size value combo meal. This could be problematic to the nurses who have to give them pain medicine for their chronic back pain."
2. Forming a Hypothesis: "If needles are only 1 inch in length, they cannot reach musle tissue in someone who has a fat ass. Therefore, longer needles are needed to effectively give injections."
3. Experiment: "We shall measure the asses of test subjects and try different sized needles so we can find out which needles can reach muscle. We shall put out a call for test subjects with ghetto booty."
4. Analyze: "The average-sized needles were not effective in giving an intramuscular shot. The longer needles worked much better."
5. Conclusion: "Fatter asses require longer needles. we can go to lunch."

Sheesh!! I could have saved them time and money and told them this. They could have given ME the money and I could have shared this pearl of wisdom to the researchers. Any nurse could have told them this I wonder how much money was shelled out for this completely pointless and idiotic study. Besides, don't they know that nurses seldom give shots in the ass due to the higher risk of hitting a nerve? If we do have to give an IM shot, it usually goes into the arm.

I'm going to put in for a research grant. I even have a hypothesis: Fatter asses require larger pants.

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