Welcome, ladies and gents, to the first ever Celebrity Deathmatch: Nursing Edition. Okay, so neither contestant is a celebrity, and only of them is a nurse...but why be bothered with trivial details when today's match promises to be a harrowing, nail-biting experience.
And on with the show!
In this corner, standing a robust 5'2", but wearing clogs that add 2 more inches to an already intimidating height. Short blonde hair, and hot pink scrubs...is the voluptuous, the sarcastic, with the ability to bring quivering Respiratory Therapists to their knees: Heather the RN! (wild applause)
And in this corner, towering at 6'4", weighing in...well, we don't know the weight because he broke the scale, a patient who is no stranger to psych meds, who boasts the ability to seduce unsuspecting females with his sheer manliness, presenting: Chester the Molester! (boos from the audience)
Both contestants take their place in the ring. Heather on one side of the desk, Chester on the other. Before the match begins, we had the opportunity to talk to them both to find out just who will win this match, and why.
CDM: Heather, why do you think you will win this match?
Heather: Because I have a high IQ, razor wit, and quick access to hospital security.
CDM: Chester is 3 times your size. Aren't you worried he will squish you?
Heather: No...because I can always outrun him. I can toss some cookies from the galley at him and distract him while I run away to the safety of the Med Room.
CDM: An excellent strategy, indeed!
CDM: And you, Chester, why do you think you will win tonight's match?
Chester: I will use my secret weapon.
CDM: And what would that be?
Chester: I will flash my penis at Heather and she will become so enamored, that she will surrender herself to me and my wills.
CDM: What makes your penis so special?
Chester: It is magical. Why today, two nursing students saw it and they were so intimidated by it, they never came back to my room.
There you have it folks. Two opposing forces at work. Who will come out the victor?
Heather sits at the desk across from Chester's room. She appears to be charting on her other patients. Chester comes out of his room and approaches Heather. He is wearing a hospital gown and clutching a sock.
Chester: I have a question.
Heather: What is it?
Chester: Well, I have a friend coming over tonight, and we plan on having sex. So, what is your policy on that.
Heather: Would this be related to the escort services you were calling all day today?
(Wow! A quick sucker-punch from Heather. That short girl sure is sneaky!)
Chester: We don't want to be bothered. So, can you not come in the room because we are having sex?
Heather: This is a hospital, Chester, not a hotel. It's midnight and you need to go back to your room because you are disrupting the other patients.
Heather 1, Chester 0
Chester turns around and drops the sock. He bends over to pick up the sock and the gown parts to reveal a very large, very dimpled ass. Heather throws up in her mouth a little and vows never to eat cottage cheese ever again.
Heather 1, Chester 1
Heather is sitting at the computer entering orders. Chester comes out of his room, pushing his IV pole, still wearing his gown. He meanders down the hall, exposing his ass to the rest of the staff, and offers to show his penis to anyone who asks to see it. Charge nurse appears and orders Chester back to his room. The staff is nauseated. Heather glares at Chester when he smugly returns to his room.
Heather 1, Chester 2
Chester calls from his room announcing that he has pissed all over himself and he needs the tech to personally give him a spongebath. Heather and staff tell him there is nothing wrong with his hands and he is fully capable of giving himself a shower. Chester goes off to the shower, but not before inviting one of the nursing assistants to come and take a shower with him. The staff all tell him no. Heather is still glaring at Chester.
Heather 1, Chester 2, Staff 1
It's morning, and the day staff is in. An Asian nurse is getting report from Heather and appears to have taken his place in this match: a tag-team partner! Chester, not to be ignored, comes out of his room stark-ass-naked. This atrocity is witnessed by Heather, Asian-nurse, 2 residents, and 1 other nurse. The horror is collective.
Heather/Staff 2, Chester 3
"My gown is too big" Chester complains while absently playing with his nipple. In unison, Heather and Asian-nurse demand he return to his room. Heather also barks that he needs to shut his curtain because no one wants to his his naked butt. First year resident turns green.
Heather/Staff 3, Chester 3, Resident -1
Chester comes out of room 5 minutes later with a sheet wrapped around his waist, only the sheet doesn't fully wrap around, and there is an opening right in the front, strategically showcasing his wiener. All the residents retreat.
Heather/Staff 3, Chester 4, Residents -5
Heather stands up and points a finger at Chester and yells, "Get back to you room and cover yourself! If you come out of your room one more time, I will have the police come up here and they will deal with you personally!!"
Chester beats a hasty retreat to his room and closes the door. If one thing trumps his penis, it would be police with tasers.
Heather/Staff 4, Chester 4
Heather and staff ask his primary doctor for discharge orders and get it. Chester will be going home!
Heather/Staff 5, Chester 4
And Heather wins in a come-from-behind victory!! We tried to get a post-match interview with her, but she grumbled something about going home and jabbing sharpened pencils in her eyes before going to bed.
So, tune in next time for Celebrity Deathmatch where we will pit Paris Hilton against the entire medical encyclopedia of sexually transmitted diseases!!