Women are Strange

In my 30-some years of being a female, I've yet to understand them fully. Just because you come equipped with a uterus, doesn't mean you are passed the inherent knowledge of what makes women tick. Oh sure, I know why we need to travel to the bathroom in packs, or why the word "nothing" means "I'm upset and I am even more upset because you don't know I am upset, and it upsets me that you have no clue as to even why I am upset in the first place".

Besides, it's not really for me to understand how women function. That's the challenge for men. I just try to focus on my own stuff. My own stuff keeps me more than occupied. I think as long as I understand myself, I am more than content with life. It's when you try to toss everyone else in there, things become fooked up.

That being said...sometimes, I just don't understand women. Case in point:

My mother has a best friend. She is loud. She smokes worse than the Jackstack. She's loud. She thinks the price of gas is directly related to the time the fuel truck gets there, because the fresher the gas, the higher the price. She's loud. She thinks Saturns are the best cars on the market because she drives one. Did I mention she is loud?

She's been in more failed relationships than Elizabeth Taylor. Her latest and greatest, a raging alcoholic who routinely cheats on her with his ex-wife. She's caught him cheating. He's admitted to it. Also, the only thing he is more often than drunk, is unemployed. He's also butt-ass ugly, and has the IQ of a taco.

A fine catch by any woman's standards.

They are also getting married next month.

Words fail me when I try to understand why a woman would want to marry a guy like this. What makes someone like this so attractive to the opposite sex? The blood-shot eyes, the jaundiced skin, the skeletal frame with paunchy little beergut with it's oversized, cirrhosed liver?

I get all hot just thinking about it.

Damn me and my standards for a full set of teeth, good hygiene, steady job, educated, no past criminal history, no substance abuse problems, no violent past. If only I could be lax in any of these things, I too could be shackled by the bonds of matrimony to a man who routinely puts me into the hospital with a broken bone or two. Or who will sleep with anything that has a hole...and bring home the STD's to share with me. Or someone who doesn't work, but sits at home and sponges off my income.

Which also begs the question: where does a woman go to meet such a guy? The laudromat? Couseling? Parole office? Visiting day at the local prison??

The only explanation I can think of as to why some women gravitate towards loser men is the "My Love Can Fix You" power that some women think they have. I don't have this power. I used to, until the day I discovered it's as real as the toothfairy. Then, I traded up to the power that reduces people to quivering masses of tears with one glare, which I think is a much better power.

The "My Love Can Fix You" power doesn't exist. Ladies, if the guy is a shithead when you meet him, chances are pretty good that he's going to remain a shithead until the day he dies, and even the Golden Poon of Virtue (that you may or may not have) isn't going to change that.

There are good guys out there, and there is no need to settle for some jackass who thinks monogamy is some type of wood.

I've said it before, and I will say it again...there are worse things out there than being single. Being married to an asshat is one of them.

While I probably won't be going to the much celebrated nuptials of my mother's friend (thank God for working weekends), I may send a card...with the name of a good divorce lawyer inside.