Wednesday, December 06, 2006

The Boyfriend

I took Mom to see the house last night. She got all teary and blathered about how proud of me she was and stuff. I suppose all moms do that, even if you are a shithead. Are mothers proud of their children if they deal in meth? Only if they successfully cook it without blowing the house up, I suspect.

Mom talked a little more about "boyfriend" as I have come to think of him. Because the story of "the boyfriend" is so amusing to me, I have to share. I swear, I can't make this stuff up.

Mom met "boyfriend" while they were working together, but he no longer works where she is working. Instead he works for another company that sends him to other countries as part of his job...but that is neither here nor there. However, if I catch wind that he's going to Germany, I'm giving him a list which includes chocolate, coffee, and Haribo gummi bears (yes, I know I can get them here, but they are not the me).

Boyfriend is in his 50's. I knew he had four sons, all of which who were gay. However, I didn't know that those four sons were part of the cumulative eleven children that this man has sired. Eleven. He's not Mormon, and he's not Catholic. He's just not wise to the advances of birth control.

Perhaps the most amusing part is the story of the gay sons. Two sets of twins, they are. Boyfriend is also a twin. At the age of sixteen, he goes to some Twin Convention and hooks up with a girl there (also a twin). The product of their night of passion produces twin set #1.

The following year, boyfriend returns to the Twin Convention and hooks up with the twin sister of the girl he hooked up with the year before. End result = twin set #2.

So, you've got two sets of twins. Half-brothers, as well as cousins. I bet that was a really fooked up family day at school. It almost sounds like a bad Ray Stevens song.

Boyfriend is currently in the process of a divorce, which is interesting because so is my mother. For a relationship to work, you must have things in common, I guess.

If Mom marries this one, it will be her third marriage and his fifth. I suppose the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. My grandmother was married at least three times, maybe four, and produced six children. I'm going to have to lay claim to my father's genetics on this matter. While his side of the family are raging alcoholics, most of them are still married to the original spouse. Maybe that's why they drink so much.

As for me, I only plan on doing it once. I figure that if I marry later in life, I can at least croak from old age before the word divorce has the chance to be uttered.


Tony said...

Oh, this post is just nice. Talk about bad things come in . . . Just damn. Twins scare me.

Xavier Onassis said...

Dayum. How did he know for sure it was the other twin and not the same one? Was it the still-perky boobs and the lack of stretch marks? Did he see that and think "That was pretty good the first time around. I think I'll tap that again, in it's original form."

Seriously, this guy sired two sets of twins FROM a set of twins and they all turned out gay? I'm pretty sure somebody ought to be able to get a sizable government grant to study the genetics behind this. This is P.H.D. material.

Kristine Filegirl said...

BIZARRE!!! He needs a blog!