Friday, June 29, 2007

And Get Off My Grass!

I tried to sleep today, but the neighbor kids were persistent in their efforts to get the sandal off my roof. I would hear a ~thump~, immediately followed by Sam barking. Another ~thump~, more barking. I just laid in bed, considering dragging the power washer, hiding in the big bush beside the house, and hosing the children so they would just go away.

Annoyed, I got out of bed and stuck my head out the front door. I asked them to please stop throwing the ball at the house. When it stopped raining, I would bust out the ladder and go get the damn sandal myself. The kids said they would, and I thought that would be the end of it.

Meanwhile, Sam is still going apeshit. I really need to get replacement batteries for that bark collar.

A few minutes later, I hear cheering and I look out the window. Some bloated bleach blonde lady from up the street managed to cart a ladder of her own, and a really long pole, and got the sandal down herself. That would have been fabulous if she had fallen, because she looked the type who would want to file a claim with my homeowners insurance.

They scattered before I had a chance to stick my head outside and yell at them. Still annoyed, I deem the rest of my nap a total loss and just shower, taking my time to get ready for work.

I still like my neighborhood, but I can tell that at some point, I'm going to have to be a complete asshole and lay down the law that my front yard and driveway are not extensions of anyone else's yard, and therefor not a generalized meeting place for all the neighborhood children. I have a basketball pole with no hoop, and I have been considering getting a new hoop and backboard put up, but I know that would just be asking for trouble. Every other house in the neighborhood has a basketball hoop, and there is a merry band of pre-teeners that rotate usage of those hoops. My putting up one would just add another venue to their rotation. It's not that they are miscreants and plotting drug deals and when is the best time to rob my house. They are loud, and I like quiet. Especially when I am trying to sleep.

Even now, I'm thinking about landscaping the front yard differently so it's not used as a hill for kids to sled down in the winter. It's not enough to salt the driveway and shorten the sledding path. Maybe I could cut into the earth and create some sort of dropoff with landscaping bricks, but I have to be careful with that for two reasons:

1. Neighbor children would attempt to sled anyway and end up hurting themselves, thereby causing a potential insurance nightmare.

2. Mom tends to drive over the current landscaping I have now because she's driving a vehicle that is too big for her. I don't know how many times I've had to reassemble the little rock wall at the end of the driveway.

So, maybe I will be that old person that yells at children to keep of the grass...hiding in the bushes with a power washer, ready to spray the first person that sets foot on my lawn.

Don't be a hater...you just wish you had a power washer, too.

4 comments:

Mark said...

Funny stuff. Is blogging going to become the rant space of cranky old people?

Power washers rock.

Spyder said...

Maybe you should plant some shrubs?

Mark - We'll be talking about our medications, aches & pains...Oh God shoot me now!

Joe said...

Three houses ago my ex and I worked shift work and the kids chose our house to play in front of. Thanks a lot you hoods. Rainy season couldn't come fast enough. That, or the 100 degree heat.

Stinkbait Boucher said...

Power washer. I like that.

Actual conversation between my wife and me a few years back (I swear):

"Honey?"
"Yeah?"
"You remember that blowgun that we bought in Angola?"
"Yeah...."
"You know where we packed that? I can't find it."
"Why???"
"No reason. Just curious."
"Just ASK THEM NICELY TO STOP WITH THE GO-CARTS!!"
"Nah, I'll just keep looking for the blowgun."
"You know they'll put you in jail for that here."
"Fallacy. Ain't no man never went to jail for no damn blowgun."