Sunday, January 15, 2006

You Might Be a Utah Mormon if...

With my previous post touching briefly on Utah Mormons, some people might have wondered "But Heather, am I a Utah Mormon??" After giving it much thought and deliberation, I have compiled a few guidelines to help you distinguish if you are in need of professional help (and I swear, each one of these have happened to people I know).

If you answer yes to one, you are teetering on the line.

Two or more, you are doomed.

-> If you ever called a childless couple for the "Monthly Period Report" because you think that being married without children is an abomination...Utah Mormon.

-> If you ever thought that the Salt Lake Temple had wheels because it was going to be rolled to Indpendence, Missouri at the Second Coming...Utah Mormon.

-> If you would never socialize with someone because they are a nonmember...Utah Mormon.

-> If you don't want your toddler-aged children associating with nonmember toddler-aged children because you think they will become tainted...Utah Mormon.

-> If you ever put the names of your single relatives in a temple prayer book so someone can pray for them to get married...Utah Mormon.

-> If you ever travelled outside of Utah and prefaced every sentence with "Well, back in Utah..." Utah Mormon

-> If you have an Osmond shrine in your house, but are not directly related to them...Utah Mormon.

-> If you ever were shocked and appalled that a woman wore pants to church on Sunday...Utah Mormon.

-> If you ever eloped in Vegas on a Friday, and had it annulled on a Monday so you could have an interesting weekend...Utah Mormon.

-> If your name can be found on this site...Utah Mormon.

-> If you ever told a nonmember that they were going to go to hell and you would pray for their baptism...Utah Mormon (and you are lucky you didn't get your ass kicked!)

-> If you think it is a mortal sin to be over 30 and still single...Utah Mormon.

-> If you cried when Steve Young got married to, gasp, a convert...Utah Mormon.

-> If you feel sorry for a Mormon because they don't live in Utah and you pray for their safety...Utah Mormon.

So, this is my public service for the month of January.

Now, I am going to go eat a jello cup and then go to bed.

2 comments:

RCH said...

*Phew!* I'm safe from Utah Mormonness. Or Utah Mormondom. Or Utah Mormondumb, for that matter.

Mrs. McMitchell said...

The Elders In Scotland used to call me a "U-Tard" but I don't think they meant I was a Utah Mormon...at least I hope not! I mean, we let them watch boxing over at our house. Isn't that grounds for excommunication?

Besides, I prefer the term "Nazi Mormon". I can think of several living in my old neighborhood in Bountiful.