Wednesday, January 25, 2006

You've got a friend in(side) me!

I have strange friends.

This is not news to me. I've made this observation many a time...usually when one of my friends does something unusual. I'm not talking about Kant. She's one of the most normal friends I have...and she has three kidneys.

So, last night I go and visit a friend I have not seen in a while. I haven't seen him in a while primarily because the last time I talked to him, he wanted to have sex with me, or rather, "fun with no strings". I've been propositioned before, but in his case, he promised he would take me out for a Q'doba burrito afterwards because he had a coupon.

I don't like Q'doba...but I do like strings, so I declined.

At any rate, that was last fall, and after explaining to my friend that I'm more a long-term relationship kind of person...I thought the air was cleared between us. After all, I've known him for a long, long time.

So, we hang out. He begins asking me questions about intimacy. Just general questions. I'm okay to answer such questions because he is peeking into the land of 40 years old, and only been with one woman. There's a lot he doesn't know, and I feel like I am helping out not only him, but the woman he does end up marrying.

We watch some episodes of The Sopranos because I don't usually watch it, and it was something to do. Then, he starts stopping every scene that shows a naked breast (because you can do that with DVR). Then he laments about how he loves boobs. I cast a glare in his direction and he resumes the show.

And then asks me if I would like to go to this place with him sometime. In case you don't want to click on the's Kansas City swingers club. Now, I have heard that KC has a large subculture of this sort of thing...but I have never known anyone who has actually witnessed these events firsthand...until now.

My dear friend begins to tell me that he went to one once with another friend. Lots of nakedness, lots of dancing...and a really great buffet. Apparently, the hanky-panky goes on later behind closed doors. Single men cannot attend events unless they are part of a couple...but single women can go stag. Oh yes, and married couples.

It all makes me want to barf.

I know another person who insists that when he finds that sweet little someone to marry, it will be an open marriage. Who wants to eat the same flavor of ice cream every night for the rest of your life? I've heard about some people at work who are into this lifestyle...and it still blows my mind. I cannot fathom being in that situation.

I don't consider myself a jealous person, but if I saw my husband shagging another woman...I've have to go rip his nuts off, then I would and string said woman up by her girly parts on a billboard somewhere off Highway 71...right by that restaurant that used to be called "Git Yo Chicken".

So, now I have an open invite to infiltrate the alternative lifestyle community of Cowtown with a near and dear friend. Lucky me. He said that sex wouldn't have to be part of the equation (somehow I don't think people go to these events to share recipes for fondue), but did elaborate that the last time he went, his date and him fooled around a little when they got back to his house. But pressure!!

Now, I am going to go shower now...because I feel really, really gross. I shall wash, but shant ever be clean.


Mrs. McMitchell said...

EWWWWWW!!!! And did I mention...EWWWW???!!!

That is completely sick and wrong in every way I can think of it. (And I'm trying not to...)

Plus, why the hell would you bother getting married if you were only going to cheat on that person every chance you got? Kind of defeats the purpose, I think.

*shudders violently* Gross.

Heather said...

Is it cheating if your spouse is watching??

It's still disturbing no matter how you slice it. But hey, there is a market for every fetish. Even for grown men who like to wear diapers.

Mrs. McMitchell said...

Hmmm...that's a good question, which makes it all the creepier!

I look at it this way: if you got married you're supposed to be faithful to one person, so doesn't that make it cheating if you're sowing your wild oats with others--even if your man/woman is watching said romp in the oats?

I remember when your friend Oprah had swingers on her show and it disturbed me to no end. Or maybe it was just Oprah...? No, let's say both.