Thursday, November 16, 2006

Because Everyone Knows I am a Hardass

The mammoth company of Cartus realized that I am a force to be reckoned with, and have agreed to give me the card. Assholes. You advertised for it in the first place. Maybe one of them was my patient at some point.

" don't want to piss this one off. I know firsthand what she can do with a catheter!"

So, we press forward with a closing date at the end of this month. Two weeks away! I still have a shit-ton of stuff to pack. I anticipate the moving to take a while, at least I won't be hurried to do it. I can move the smaller stuff over with the help of my brother and his truck. Then, I can book a moving truck and move all the big crap later.

Last night, Mom invited me over to meet "the boyfriend"...because it is important to her and this relationship is supposedly serious. Ugh. I really didn't want to go, but I had to take her the license tags I so generously got for her. My trip was rushed because yesterday was last day for open enrollment at work. I was just going to not turn in my paperwork because I didn't have any changes, but Paul nagged me to the point that I was paranoid about losing my dental coverage...butthole.

So, his name is Glen, and I think she met him at her job, but he no longer works there. He's sort of a jack-of-all-trades...home remodeling, scuba instructor, international procurement (whatever the hell that means). Mom was telling me about how he took her to Ruth's Chris for dinner and bought her a bottle of champagne that was around $100.

I complained to Paul.

Me: Why is it that no one buys me fancy bottles of champagne?
Paul: Your Mom probably put out for it.
Me: You're probably right. But still, no one has ever done that for me. What do I get?
Paul: You get chocolate milk.

There you have it, folks, Heather puts out for Shatto Chocolate Milk. I should have that as a bumper sticker. That's endorsement you just can't buy, people! Someone should call the Shatto people right away.

(On a side note, however, I did get a Kitchen Aid stand mixer once...and a cell phone...and a satellite radio....and a Hoover Carpet Cleaner...all from guys I dated in the past.)

(On another side note: I've never put out for chocolate milk.)

So, I meet Glen at Mom's house. In pictures, he sort of looks like Herman Munster. In real life, he looks more like Leslie Nielsen from the Naked Gun movies. He seems smart enough, and he seems like my mom...but it's still kind of strange seeing her with someone other than my stepdad, and saddening at the same time.

This morning, Mom called me and wanted to know if I liked him. Sleeping, I just grunted. He wanted to know if I liked him, and all Mom could say, "Hard to say with Heather."

At least it is well known that I am not a pushover.

So, now that is over with. Glenn has yet to meet my brothers. Glenn has four sons who are all gay. This is NOT going to go over well with Johnny. He can't stand it that his cousin is a lesbian. Wait til he finds out that his four potential stepbrothers prefer sausage to the taco.

I can't wait.

1 comment:

Xavier Onassis said...

Congratulations on winning The Battle of The Card! Nicely done!

ALL of Glenn's boys are gay?? All of them??

Jeez. Not that there's anything wrong with that or anything. Out of 4 kids in my family my sister is bi and my youngest brother is incredibly gay. I thought that was high at 50%.

But 100%?!? Wow. If it's genetic, like they say...

I'm just sayin'.

I guess that tributary of the gene pool sort of peters out into a muddy hole.

Wait. Let me rephrase that...

I meant that natural selection seems to be prohibiting this particular genetic line from propagating itself into the next generation.

I have GOT to start choosing my words more better.