Thursday, April 16, 2009

Beware of Pirates!

I'm a current events nerd, so I've been following the Somali pirate news with interest. And I'm baffled.

The Somali pirates have been doing their plundering for years, this much is understood. Boats that sail in those waters, run the risk of getting, uh, pirated. They know this. Everyone knows this. My dog even understands this, and he licks his own ass.

Wouldn't it make sense if those cargo ships, oh I don't know, tried sailing different routes?? Let's see...Lawless Somalia is full of pirates. So, let's sail close by their country! I'm sure nothing bad will happen!!

So, we have the victim. Big ass cargo ship weighing hundreds of thousands of tons because it's made with iron. And it's usually transporting something, whether it be oil, cheaply made household items from Taiwan, or cars that are made by auto manufacturers that are not a hair away from going belly up.So the SS Lard Ass is moving across the ocean. Then come the dreaded pirates!!Nope...not these kind of pirates. But if Johnny Depp wanted to board my ship, I would gladly permit it. Orlando is kind of a candy ass. He can just stand around perfecting his douche bag emo look.Not these pirates either, although I'm sure the merchant marine career ladder would be very competitive if this were the case.Hell...even these ass clowns would be an improvement, but they will not be plundering anyones booty anytime soon...unless it's their own.

No...the SS Lard Ass gets overwrought with these pirates. Four wieners in a bathtub.

Think about it...third world pirates overtaking something as big as the SS Lard Ass with a rocket launcher that looks like it came from a Cracker Jack box, and assault rifles. It's like me trying to car jack a Hummer with a pellet gun while riding a skateboard. up until now, the fearsome Somali pirates had a pretty lucrative deal. Hold ships hostage, demand insane ransom, wait for the ransom to be delivered, go home to macaroni and cheese dinner, or whatever it is Sally Struthers is peddling in their country. And the companies have been paying the ransom like Pavlov's dogs, which in turn encourages more piracy. The never-ending cycle of dumbassery.

And yet each time it happens, its a shocking development. Really?

Then they took American hostages, and suddenly the world noticed. We sent a armed-to-the-teeth-and-bomb-you-into-the-stone-age-destroyer, which is like sending a Sherman tank to take care of a rodent problem.Undeterred, but probably secretly pissing themselves, the pirates crossed their arms, dug their heels into the ground, and puffed out their chest in defiance. They even sent other bathtubs to offer moral support, because, you know, there's strength in numbers.

It is widely known that the only thing that trumps a pirate is a ninja. Master Ninja Obama sent out the bat signal, and the U.S. sent out our very own special fleet of top secret ninjas. We call them Navy Seals.

At the end of the day, we have dead pirates, a freed hostage, and other pirates vowing revenge. Arrrggggghhhh!!!

So, back to my original point. I do have one...I just wanted an excuse to post the picture of shirtless Navy Seals.


Obviously, various military escorts for every cargo ship is unreasonable. So, options are whittled down to a few. We can bomb Somalia (and hope Sally Struthers was there) and turn it into series of lovely touristy resorts. Or...we can retro-fit each SS Lard Ass with their very own missile launcher.The U.S. could then inservice the crew members on how to use said big guns, for a nominal fee, of course. OR the companies could just hire someone from the military to man their big gun. That way, when a menacing bathtub is spotted, they can take care of the problem all on their own.

But then, it might just be easier just to have the cargo ships take a different route in the first place...


Rachel said...

This is probably the first time in a LONG time that I've snorted, laughing out loud for real, at 6 in the morning. I guided several folks to this post, because it's just too damned funny, and right on.

Celeste said...

So trueeeeeeeee and so funny

Spyder said...

Well shit! I can't biggy the photo of the seals.

GB, RN said...

Made it a little biggy, just for you.

Spyder said...

OHHHH so nice!Those are seals i approve of clubbing with!