Thursday, April 16, 2009

Call Me Scooter

You know how dating a fat chick and riding a scooter are alike? Both are a lot of fun, but you don't want your friends to know you do it.

Or so they say...

I've recently experienced a disappointment. Shocking, I know. My life is fraught with such. However, this disappointment hits harder than even I anticipated.

So, I'd been seeing this guy. You can't really call it dating, but more of an arrangement. I've known him for a while, admired him. We were friends. Everything about him drew me in: his laugh, his intelligence, the flash of intuition on his face when he knew exactly what I was thinking. Knowing the kind of person he is, I knew that a girl like me stood zero chance. So, imagine my surprise when he sought me out. In the five months we saw each other, I always wondered why.

In a nutshell, we're not seeing each other that way anymore. I got the standby, "It's not you, it's me" line. Sure, we can still be friends. Hang out. Drink beer. Crack jokes.

Initially, I was cool with it. Deep down, I knew that it would never work out...not because I tend to gravitate towards the noncommittal, but because I was constantly waiting for him to end it. How could a guy like him possibly be interested in someone like me?

A long time ago, before we became involved, we were having a conversation and he had mentioned that his ideal was an 18-year old gymnast. While I am a work in progress, I'm no 18-year old gymnast. So, whenever I thought of this guy, that's what I thought of: 18-year old gymnast. When we were together, it raced through my mind: 18-year old gymnast, 18-year old gymnast.

Even though I'm smarter than most 18-year old gymnasts, I was comparing myself to that impossible standard. So when he says, "It's not you, it's me", what I hear is "You're not an 18-year old gymnast."

I know, I'm an idiot.

Back to the point...

I initially played it cool, because I thought I was okay with it. The arrangement ran it's course, and it was time to move on to other things. Bigger, better things. (like an 18 year old gymnast?)

However, the more I sit and think about it, the tighter my throat becomes, which is bullshit because I'm stronger than this. Right? I'm the hard ass. The rock.

Now I sit, filled with all these emotions that I've ignored for I don't know how long. I'm at a loss as to what to do with them. Maybe if I just turn my back on them, they will just go away, because acknowledging them out loud does nothing but make the situation worse for me.

Maybe I deserve this. I thought I could be noncommittal like a man. Emotionally stoic like one. I thought I didn't need anyone or anything. I pegged myself the non-marrying, non-children type (because I never thought it in the cards for me). I didn't need to be close to anyone, because after all, don't they just lie to you and leave you in the end? This, I learned from the master...my father.

But now I'm blubbering like a woman on the Lifetime channel. My feelings are raw, exposed, and there is not a damned thing I can do about it. It's the worst feeling in the world. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

Do I really hate myself this much that I would allow this to happen??

I can't hate him, though. He didn't ask for this. He got exactly what he wanted, and nothing more as per the agreement. He's still the same great person, still way out of my league. Maybe we shouldn't have gotten involved in the first place. Then, I would still be admiring from afar, blissfully unaware at the depth and scope of my feelings for this person.

But now it's done, and I just need to pick up my heart which has escaped me, stuff it in a drawer, and soldier on through life, the way I have always done.

11 comments:

Logtar said...

This upsets me in many levels... but I think you have a good grasp of the situation when you know you let this happen. However, I do not agree with the whole (out of my league mentality, even though I have at times used it).

I have tons of stuff to day, but without knowing all the details I fear I would just say something dumb. I hope you grow from this and don't ever let anyone make you feel less... please.

*Hugs*

bobbie said...

I have to run just now, but more later ~
HUGS~

Donna said...

I remember feeling all these things. You've described it so well that I am now officially depressed.

It's good to be reminded, though, so I can be thankful for all these wonderful years of not having to have those feelings.

Faith said...

I have to say that as strong and determined as I was when I was single (and even now), those emotions from the disappointment and heartbreak that occurred with many of the men I dated were undenyably stronger than me. I had to let them out. I couldn't pretend they didn't exist. The blog helped a lot, and before that, diaries helped.

I don't think that having those emotional responses make us any weaker or anything though. I don't think that denying ourselves that response would make us better at the whole relationship thing, by any means.

And you're not an idiot. Please stop saying that. :P

IDigSmartLadies said...

Jeez.. You're being WAY too hard on yourself. Some guys never grow up, but some of us seek out the very qualities you offer. I care very little what a woman looks like. What's inside her head is far more interesting (and attractive) that what the outside of it looks like.

BTW, good luck on going back to the formula. You share more with anonymous bozos like me (as well as all the people in your life) than I would with even my closest friends. You're quite brave for that.

Melinda said...

GB, the only thing you can do with those emotions right now is to just feel them. You're raw. That's ok. Feel broken. It's ok. Feelings in the pit of your stomach weigh a ton and they creep you out and make you jittery to the point you feel like you're going to explode. It really sucks, but just experience the heaviness in your gut. Don't try to quash it because any emotion you don't deal with will come out in other ways - not now, but later. There's no shame in feeling, no matter your gender. Seriously, just sit and feel - no TV, no radio, no computer. It will pass, and when you're ready, you'll move on. I wish I could say something besides "it really, really sucks" but you will feel better if you just feel your emotions. Then you will be closer to being ready to deal with them (step two after just feeling them).

A Librarian said...

*Hugs* sweetie. I think every woman on the planet has been in that position. No matter how many times we tell ourselves we are fabulous, there is always that little voice (usually caused by the media). It certainly doesn't help when boys are stupid.

Nuke said...

Read this yesterday and let it percolate for a bit about what to say. It's pretty much all above.

So while you try to get past, bloggers/tweeters are having pizza Monday. Come on out!

PlazaJen said...

I'm sorry this happened & for the resulting emotions. Bleah. I wish it were easy, or even that it's easy once you DO find the person you commit to and love and trust and feel safe with. Sometimes I wish I were made of Teflon, most of the time I don't, but even so, I know that I have to hold a couple fry pans up just the same.

Spyder said...

I dated a guy a long time ago who always had younger "gymnast" waiting as soon as he split with someone. Of course we women never see that coming. Then he married one & then she dumped him for a younger guy "gymnast". What goes around... Hugs!!!

Stacey K said...

hugs!

No such thing as out of your league. I've never believed in that sort of stuff. Especially anyone who would say "It's not your, it's me" F that and the 18 year old gymnast that wouldn't give him a second look. (men who prefer that type are rarely the type 18 year old girls prefer)

5 months is a long time to be seeing anyone - on any basis. Why do you have to be stronger than this? You're strong person, but you're still a person. It's ok to be sad and angry all at the same time.

Hugs again!