Wednesday, April 22, 2009

An Odd Stalker for Me

Redneck Brother's latest hotness is giving my phone number out for referrals for various shit, usually involving some sort of financial transaction or another. While I don't mind being a Happy Helperton when it comes to giving referrals, I do take exception when he fails to pay for whatever he bought, and then the bill collectors start calling my house.

So, it's policy at my house to not answer any phone number that I don't recognize.

However, with the ushering my new business venture, at one point, I did feel the need to put my home number as a contact number, in the event someone wanted to book a party or buy a vibe. Then I decided that it would be too hard to discern my calls from Redneck Brother's calls, I changed my contact info to my cell phone.

Last year, when I first signed up for Passion Parties, a woman from Chicago called me. I figured her to be an interested lead, but definitely out of her area. She asked me who I was, and then I started asking her about if she was interested in booking a party. She got confused, and then I realized she just dialed the wrong number. I hung up, went on about life, and forgot about that phone call.

A couple months later, I started getting calls from the same number, and she started leaving very vague messages, "I know who you are" and "I be knowin' what you did". Yes, she said that. Her grasp of the English language was astounding.

I only talk to crazy people at work, and only because I'm paid to do it. So, I never answered her calls, and I never returned them. I figured she'd get bored, and move on.

Then, the messages became even more strange as she said she would send me texts (to my land line), and that she knew what I was doing with her husband.


Today's message really brought it home, and it actually pissed me off. She ranted for a good ten minutes on how she knew about my affair with her husband, and how I need to stay away from him. And something-something about my fiance coming to her house and blah, blah, blah crazy talk.

Did I mention that this ghetto fabulous mental giant is calling from Chicago? I think I was in Chicago once...WHEN I HAD A LAYOVER AT THE FUCKING AIRPORT!!!

When I first got this number, I had some calls asking for some girl with a very ethnic name. Maybe Ghetto Wife thinks I'm whoever that chick was. Pissed off and fed up, I redialed her number (it was on my caller ID) and left her a message. I said I didn't know her, didn't know her husband, and I sure as hell didn't want to know either of them. I have saved every message she has left, and if she continued to call me, I would have her up on harassment charges so fast, her head was spin.

And then I told her to have a nice day. I didn't want to be rude or anything.

Hell, who knows if she'll get pissed and call back. If she knows this douche is cheating on her, why doesn't she just dump his ass instead of calling and harassing the very last woman on the planet who avoids married men like the Plague???

I'll probably get a new, unlisted number, and just not give it to Redneck Brother (he has my cell). In the meantime, if Ghetto Wife calls back, I may just tell her I'm a lesbian and tell that unless her husband has a golden vagina, they both can go fuck themselves.

You know what I sayin?!


Rachel said...

Too funny. You should hear Mom's stories about getting a cell number from a loser. Funny stuff. (because it's not me)

Beckle the Freckle said...

Man! Don't dat wummin be knowin' that you gotts relashuns wif me? I gibbed you sifflus and everything!

Kate said...

Ha! My friend in college kept getting messages on her cell phone along those lines - one of them was all "Number 43? 'dis is Edna. You need to tell him to get his muthafuckin' ass home ASAP! He got three kids up in here and I ain't dealin' wit' 'dis shit." We never had the heart to tell Edna that she was, in fact, calling a 19-year-old sorority girl, not "number 43".

Candice said...

"I be knowin' what you did..."

Hooked on phonics apparently did not work for her.