Thursday, December 13, 2007

And What Did You Expect??

Back when the Lipo center first opened, a lot of nurses quit their stable hospital jobs to go work there. I considered it. I even spoke with a representative from their HR about working there, but was turned off by the fact that they didn't hire part time or prn (as needed), and it wasn't really nursing. Later, I found out a lot of those same nurses who left their stable jobs, quit working at Lipo because it was more centered on sales, and less on actual nursing.

Heather dodged a bullet there. I loathe and despise sales. You can't give Ativan to an irate customer, no matter how much you want to. Instead, you have to toss their salad and use all kinds of flattering words to make them like you again. Giving Ativan is much easier. I'm not one for salad tossing anyway.

At any rate, life went on for the Lipo centers as the bored housewives of Johnson county flocked there in droves. I know it to be droves because my gynecologist office is in the same office complex. Only they had a much fancier sign. And the bored housewives in their big-assed SUV's that took up two parking spaces because they don't know how to park said SUVs, leaving Heather to gimp five miles back to her car after her vajayjay and related parts had been violated by the gyn's tools of death.

Not that I'm bitter or anything...

Anyhoo...then Lipo changed their name to Fig, which was short for figure, but conjured up images of some sort of dried up fruit that you found in breads and fruit cake, and the leaf that covered up Eve's delicate girly parts. I thought the name Fig was retarded, but bored housewives of Johnson county that had more dollars than sense still flocked to it, taking up two parking spots at a time.

Now, beady-eyed bored Johnson County housewives are all in a lather because Fig is closed for business. Paying obscene amounts of money for a procedure that was neither FDA approved, nor guaranteed to work. Think about it: someone injects some substance into your fatty bits and your fatty bits dissolve. Just where in the hell did people think the fatty bits were going to go??? Thin air??? At least with regular liposuction, you see your fatty bits go into a canister.

Dissolved fatty bits don't just convert into energy to be released into the atmosphere to combat global warming. Dissolved fatty bits have options! They can either vacate their current homes, only to go reside elsewhere in your body that haven't been poked (your ass being an option), or they can get all stubborn and not leave their current residence. Instead, they harden up into knots, giving you (the bored housewife who dropped thousands for this procedure instead of investing in a gym membership) the finger, and defiantly alerting the rest of the body, "Hell No! We Won't Go!!"

So now, not only do we have bored Johnson County housewives out thousands for a procedure they either had and failed miserably, or hadn't gotten around to having it done yet, but we also have those nurses (the ones who left stable jobs to go into this venture), having their final paychecks bounce.

It's just a crappy situation all the way around.

It would be sad if I didn't find stupid people so damn amusing!

Seriously. Why would you ever go have and invasive procedure that wasn't approved by the FDA? Why would you work for a company that sells medical intervention that is not approved nor regulated by the FDA? Advocates of the lipodissolve couldn't even begin to explain how it worked...they knew it just did...sometimes. It killed fat cells, sure, but it also killed any kind of cell it came in contact with...which is why you now have some clients with pits and holes where tissue used to be. It's called necrosis. It literally means cell death.

Don't people research this crap??

I hear battery acid is pretty good at dissolving fat, but that doesn't mean I'm going to draw up a big syringe of it and inject it in my ass. However, if I were to open up an office promising work-free weight loss by injecting battery acid in your fatty bits, I'd have a clientele list a mile long, and none of those people would question my method...as long as it worked...half the time. And when I finally was forced to close my doors, soccer mom's wouldn't be mad because my practice was dangerous, they would be mad I closed before they could get their treatments.

Now if you excuse me, I'm going to the gym to spend some quality time on the elliptical machine.

7 comments:

meesha.v said...

I love figs. I hate people who take two parking spots.What about a-holes who park sideways so their car won't get dinged.You are right,people who got scammed should have known better. MD who was their director was crying on the news last night.

Well Hell Michelle said...

That crap sounded waaay to good to be true.

Xavier Onassis said...

I remember the first commercials for lipodisolve.

Some blonde "doctor" talking about how she was "really into" research and liked to base her practice on science.

WTF?!?

They quickly pulled those commercials!

I also had the same thoughts...how does this "stuff" know what to disolve and when to stop disolving?

Where does the disolved stuff go?

Just crazy!

Midtown Miscreant said...

I hate needles, how about a battery acid balm.

Faith said...

I asked my trainer about it once, not knowing if I would be able to lose enough weight in time to fit in my dress for the wedding, and wondering if it was an option. I asked him how it worked, and he told me about how it "dissolved" fat cells.

But then he told me that even if it worked, the problem was that those cells were dead. Just right there in the spot where they injected the stuff. So then when (because you KNOW it's a "when" and not and "if") the person gained weight, in particular, FAT back in those places, they would get lumpy. Because the fat couldn't live in dead cells. Awesome.

And no thank you. I'd rather be one big smooth fat girl than a lumpy one. Bleh.

Then a few weeks later he told me it was going to be outlawed. Well, it didn't become "illegal" the way he predicted, but it did go down. Wen't slower than I expected it to...

IDigSmartLadies said...

Lipodissolve? You know, reading this whole thing, I have to wonder how "medical treatment" is legally defined. If "male enhancement" hokum can be hawked on TV, why can't I sell "therapeutic massage" that "promotes the absorption of fat" and by "therapeutic massage", I mean "kicking you in your fat ass until you begin simpering".

Looking into it a little more, I realize that it's fraught with problems. My first indication that its underlying chemical needs to be abbreviated. Any time a chemical is abbreviated, it's bad news. Next, on their FAQ, they have an entire financial faq. Finally, regarding cost, you get a Bush-worthy "Body shaping treatment packages are highly customized based on individual body shapes and goals." IOW, there are only two questions: First, if we turn you upside down and start shaking, how much comes out? Next, if the answer to the first is not sufficient, how much more would we get if we started beating you too?

Melinda said...

I saw it up close and personal first-hand. A friend of mine came into a little money and decided to treat herself. She had six injections in her tummy once a week for six months because she kept complaining that it didn't work. It was awful watching her go through it - she swelled up in her belly to the point where she had to hold it in order to walk around. Finally, she gained the wisdom to tell them it wasn't working, and got a refund. Never believe the hype - the only way it comes off is by eating less than you burn.