Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Crappy Halloween Candy Explained

I don't know too many kids who didn't like the whole trick or treat aspect. Unless you count the times you wore a flimsy costume and it was sub-zero temperatures. And it was rainy. If you don't remember the cheesey kid costumes made of vinyl that had a cheap mask that only had little pinholes to see and breathe out of, you don't know that was the trick or treating equivalent of walking up a hill, both ways, in six feet of snow.

Trick or treating was a gamble. You had a chance of either scoring some really good stuff, like Snickers bars, or the REALLY good stuff: something cookies, cupcakes or popcorn balls (before the poison candy scare of the 70's and 80's...WHICH I REMEMBER!!).

Then there are the times the pendulum swings in the opposing direction and you got the coup de grĂ¢ce in the form of those nasty, orange circus peanuts. Maybe you'd get the occasional health conscientious person who would slip you an apple, which sucked because they were usually brown in spots and inedible anyway. Sometimes, you'd get pennies. PENNIES! You'd go home and count up seven cents in pennies, and curse because you can't do diddly squat with seven pennies. If you were my brothers, you'd take your rotten apples and pelt them at the houses that gave you the pennies.

You always remembered the houses that gave you the awesome booty so you return there next year. You also made a mental note of who gave away crap because you would avoid the house as if there were a registered sex offender sign in the front yard for future Halloweens to come.

I was at the store, buying some stuff for the party, when I wondered into the Halloween candy isle. There, I observed a couple, married long enough to where they started to look alike. The husband was picking up bags of candy, and his wife was telling him whether he should put it into the cart. He picked up a bag of assorted Hershey's stuff. Everything in the bag was good and desirable to any kid. The wife made a face.

The husband picked up a bag of some weird off brand, filled with crap that I wouldn't even eat if stranded on a deserted island.

"That candy is gross." The wife proclaimed. "Put it in the cart."
The husband was puzzled.
"If the candy is gross, why do you want to give it to the kids?"
The wife looked at her husband as if he had just asked where babies came from.
"Because the kids will eat it. I won't. Nothing with chocolate!"

I wanted to tell her that, no, the kids will not eat it. And by passing that shit out almost guarantees a flaming bag of dog poo on your porch by the end of the evening.

So, is this why people pass out crappy Halloween candy to trick or treaters? I used to think that it was a financial issue, but this was disproved as I had seen wealthy people dish out shit and pennies, while the lesser affluent had the decency to give out M&M's.

People give out shit because women lack self control? If they bought the good stuff, they would snarf down every Payday and Reece's Peanut Butter cup, depriving the cold, shivering trick or treaters their reward from a night of begging. Then, having no decent candy to hand out, would resort to giving out Peeps or something equally horrifying as a substitution.

In conclusion, I implore you to think of the children this year as you go to buy your Halloween candy. If you don't like children, at least think of your house and how you don't want to spend this weekend trying to get the toilet paper out of your trees because you lack the self control to refrain from eating the 102 piece assortment of chocolate bars. Don't punish the children because you are a compulsive candy eater and a cold, heartless bastard besides.

Please, think of the children. Just say no to NECCO wafers.


MoxieMamaKC said...

Wow! I didn't know people actually did that! That woman deserves the bad karma that's about to smack her in the ass. I did a post last week about good/bad candy. I'm pretty sure we could go trick or treating together.

Rachel said...

I haven't laughed that hard at a blog post in a LONG time! Too true, and too funny.

PlazaJen said...

Well, I DO have bad candy - but that's reserved for cheeky greedy adults or kids that aren't in costume. I mean, the whole deal is to be in costume! If you're not - you get the chocolate-flavored Laffy Taffy that nobody at work would eat out of my candy dish. I'm a punitive bitch like that. (In costume? Good shit.)

CL said...

My neighbhood had an inordinant number of dentists. Do you know what dentists give out at halloween? toothbrushes.

I'll eat your necco wafers though -I love those damned things.

Faith said...

I'm complete opposite of that woman. This time of year is my one allowance when it comes to buying candy in bulk...the kind of candy that WE ENJOY EATING...because if there's any left over, guess who's gullet its heading down? That's right. MINE.

I also like bringing in left overs to the office. Makes me even more popular than usual. :D

Midtown Miscreant said...

Necco wafers killed Elvis. I like em though, and Smarties are like crack.

Marti said...

Great post! I hope you and yours have a spectacular Halloween!