Monday, March 12, 2007

You're Uterus Is Going to Fall Out...Have a Nice Day!!

I was sleeping so good, until Monday struck. This is unfortunate because Mondays are my Fridays.

Sam started barking at a squirrel he saw in the back yard that he had to have. Never mind the fact that it's in a tree, but that doesn't deter the little white bastard from want to go bark at it further. So, I got out of bed and kicked him out. Bark all you want, you little shithead. At least it keeps the squirrels away from the house. I have a friend who had squirrels gnawing on her house to the point they actually got into the walls.

I crawl back into bed when the phone rings, and I see it is my doctor's office. I pick up.

Caller: Hi. I'm calling from So-and-so's office. I'm calling because of your pap smear.
Me: Yeah? (thinking: What the hell? I just got a letter in the mail saying all was honky-dory in Heather's Adventure Kingdom)
Caller: I'm calling to inform you that you had abnormal cells.
Me: Uhhhh
Caller: Yes, so we will need to have you follow-up in three months.
Me: Ummm...okay.
Caller: And for 48 hours before your test, you can't have sex, use this, that or the other.
Me: Hmmm...okay
Caller: So, would you like me to transfer you to scheduling?
Me: Wait a minute! What the hell does having abnormal cells mean?
Caller: Oh. means they are not cancerous cells, but we want to watch them closely.
Me: (not feeling any better) Uhhhh...okay.
Caller: Shall I transfer you??

What. The. Hell. I've never had an abnormal test in my life, and then I get the Great Communicator calling me to tell me different. I don't know if this lady was a nurse or not, but she needs to have her ass beaten. You don't tell someone something as scary as that without giving them a little information.

After I hung up the phone, I just sat there, my mind racing with What if? What if? What if? What if? If this test was so abnormal, why do they want to wait three months? Why wouldn't they want me to come into the office and look into it further? Then, I thought about what if I couldn't have any kids, and I was destined to be one of those old ladies who never had any kids, and had twelve cats, and when I was a patient in a hospital no one would come and visit me because I had no immediate family. I feel sorry for patients like that, the ones who never had any kids, and then they die and the only family they have is a nephew that lives in Toledo that they haven't seen in five years.

I know I am not the first person to have an abnormal Pap...but it's big and scary when it happens to you...even if you have a medical background.

I need some chocolate...stat.


Faith said...

After a year's worth of "what if," two colposcopies and one biopsy, each time finding out that the "abnormalness" isn't planning on showing itself in any other way than in the pap tests, I'm convinced its all a scam, that they're trying to get more money from us regularly healthy gals they usually only see once a year, and that it's all a big scam. I love my gyno, but I'm going to start deciding what needs to be done from now on, dammit.

When my first abnormal came back last year, they had me in within 2 weeks to do the colp, so if they don't want you in for another 3 months? I'd think you're probably a-ok.

Don't worry too much, though. I did, and I really, really wish I hadn't. I got advice from a friend about it, and she helped. So let me know if you need anything. :)

Marti said...

I had that years ago. The doc did a freezing thing called "coning" where they burn off a layer of the lower cervix. Never had a bad pap after that. Hope that eases your mind some! Will be keeping a good thought for you.