Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Game Day

So, I went to the Chiefs-Raiders game on Sunday. After working all night. Without sleep. Did I mention that I hadn't had any sleep??

Brother and Special Friend, Mom and Mr. Recommendation, and myself plus a girlfriend from work (Jen) who is fun to hang around. Redneck Brother was supposed to go as well, but in true form, he flaked out at the last minute. His wife probably didn't want to get out of bed that early. Redneck Brother used to be a Man's Man. Now, he's the biggest Pussy-Whipped Candy Ass I've ever seen. It's enough to fill it's own post.

Anyway, everyone rides in Mr. Recommendation's minivan to the stadium, where we park far, far way and walk to our tailgating party. Free drinks, free food, and a lady selling purses was also passing around jello shots.

A few hours and three trips to the porta-johns later, we finally went into the stadium. We found our seats: nine rows from the field next to the end zone, and found some older guy camping out in our chairs. After told him he was sitting in our seats, he just stood there and stared at us. What? Like we're going to go find different seats? He finally realized we weren't going anywhere and he left. Some douche bags are like that. They pay for the cheap seats, then hone in on better seats that might not be occupied. Only this guy didn't care if they were occupied.

The game commences and I fight to stay awake. That's how exciting the game was. I didn't see anything amazing happen on the field, so I just sat there, waiting for the next time I had to go use the toilet.

Lucky us, the Chiefs Preening Squad has set up shop right in front of us. I thought they might be better than last year. I thought wrong. It's not just me, either. At one point, Mom leaned over to me and said, "The Chiefs Cheerleaders don't have much rhythm." Agreed. Out of sync, out of lines. I concluded that our cheerleader squad's only real function is to pose for swimsuit calenders. Oh joy, Creepy Seat Grabber guy returns and parks in the seat in front of us after some other guy took his little boy to the bathroom. Mom told him they would be returning, but he ignored her. Sure enough, Dad and Son come back. Dad waves creepy guy off with a large hand attached to a muscular arm.

Halftime! They start laying tracks and when kids on bicycles appear, it's apparent they are going to do tricks. I remember a time when the Chiefs used to invite high school marching bands to do halftime at Arrowhead. What happened to those days??

The second half goes with as much excitement as the first. I'm still trying to stay awake, and I have used the bathroom twice since the game started. No lines the first time, the second time, there was a line, in addition to a female employee of the stadium that was directing women to empty stalls. Much like those guys at the airport direct the planes to the terminals. It leads me to wonder: How do you land a job directing bathroom traffic? What are the qualifications for such a job? What kind of training do you get?

Jen and I decide we want something to drink. Some people were drinking fruity looking beverages out of football shaped glasses. It reminded me of fruit punch, and I wanted one. Jen and I go to the vending areas and I see that the fruity drink is a Chiefs Hurricane, and is $8.50. My miserly sense overcomes my thirst for fruit punch (which I'm sure is all it tasted like). Jen buys an iced soda and puts her youngest child up for collateral. I stand in the hot chocolate line, but decide I want a funnel cake instead. And some cotton candy for later after I go home and read a book. The young girl working the stand tells me my total is $10.25. I give her a $20. She grabs a fistful of money out of her cash box then pauses. She looks at me, looks at Jen, looks at the money.

"Did you give me a $20?" she asked. I nodded. She stares at me for a minute, then her money. I cast a look to Jen, who is trying not to laugh.

My change: $14.75. She must have been a product of the Kansas City Missouri School District.
We spot KC Wolfe and Jen wants a picture with him. So, we amble up, along with everyone else. Jen is suddenly designated picture taker of the stadium as people thrust their digital cameras in her hands. When it's her turn, KC Wolfe takes off. Jen, not to be deterred, runs after him and almost jumps him. I catch up and Jen finally gets her picture taken with the mascot. Success!!

We return to our seats to find Mom fuming. Creepy Seat Grabber had returned shortly after Jen and I left and proceeded to homestead in our seats. Mom told him to go away because those seats were taken and we would be returning. He didn't believe her, and he just sat there, saying he would wait and see if we came back. Asshole. Mom tells Mr. Recommendation to go find security, and Creepy Seat Grabber splits. Later, we all decided he definitely put off the Chester the Molester vibe, and perhaps that was why we found him so creepy.

The game ends, and the redneck fans are pissed. While we were waiting to leave, some blowhard is yelling insults to Raiders fans, calling one a "hook-nosed bitch". Classy! He was flipping off anyone in Raiders garb, including children. I'm surprised he didn't get his ass whipped. He would have deserved it. Raiders fans had a right to gloat. Had the Chiefs won, you know that same asshole would have been rubbing it in to them.

We make it back to the van, but Mr. Recommendation is starting to look yellow with all the beer he has consumed, and therefore, unfit to drive. Mom is going to drive us back to my house, but she is not used to a vehicle with so many buttons and gadgets. She goes to put the van in gear, and turns on the windshield wipers. Mr. Recommendation is busy being the Obnoxious Funny Drunk Guy...only he's not really all that funny. This embarrasses Mom because he's yelling his "jokes" to other people. Brother is in the backseat with Special Friend being much funnier. Jen is sitting beside me laughing her ass off at the whole situation. I'm sitting there thinking we are all going to die before we get home because Brother points out that most accidents occur within 1-2 miles of your own house.

Finally, we make it home. Mom and Mr. Recommendation leave, Jen a short while later. Brother and Special Friend decide to go take a nap, and I think that's a fine idea. I'd been awake for 26 hours straight. Sleep was in order.

Overall, I found the most enjoyable part of the game to be the tailgating. It's really interesting to see the extent some people go to for their tailgating experience. I told Mom that next year, I would be willing to do some tailgating, even without the tickets to actually see the game.

Hell, if all else, we could tailgate, pack up our crap, then go home and watch the game in our pajamas. Anyone else game?


meesha.v said...

Wow,reading this is more entertaining than watching the game. You should have taken picture of the creepy guy.

IDigSmartLadies said...

Motion seconded. I want to see the creepy guy.

I think you're mischaracterizing his actions though. Rather than being a cheapskate and trying to upgrade his seats, I think he was simply trying to get closer to the action, and by action, I mean the cheerleaders.

Midtown Miscreant said...

Now you know where they send the Trailer Park people while they redo the double wide, the nose bleed section at arrowhead. Funny stuff, especially creepy guy. You just cant make shit like that up.