Tuesday, February 12, 2008

A Mormon Walks Into a Sex Toy Shop...

At a past blogger meetup, Well Hell Michelle and myself discussed going to Erotic City. Michelle, who is also a peddler of Bobs and beads, wanted to see what they sold in their novelty section. It sounded like fun, and those of you who know me know that I like putting myself in strange situations for writing content later.

We had planned to go on two seperate occasions, but no sooner than we made plans, Erotic City was in the news for something scandalous. The first time was the 14 year old guest of honor at an orgy in the basement. The second time, a guy was accosted in one of the booths.

I told Michelle I'd prefer if we didn't visit the basement nor the booths, thank you very much.

Finally, we made a date and went. The Big KC Porn Tour of '08 was about the commence!

But first, dinner at Salty Iguana!

From there, we went to Erotic City...which sits all by itself on a dark section of Truman road. It even looks seedy from the outside. On the door, signs posted that no cameras or videos were allowed (rats!) and they only took cash. The guy sitting behind the counter suspiciously looks at us as we enter. We are the only women in the store. About three other men are there, they all look shifty. At one point, a guy pops out from behind the wall (from the office, I guess), hauls ass over to Michelle and I, and demands to see our I.D. He didn't ask the men for their I.D. Perhaps they were regulars of the store. I stick close to Michelle because I'm afraid of being drug down into the basement. I also refrain from touching anything because I remember that I forgot to bring hand sanitizer.

For the most part, the store was 75% videos, and 25% everything else. By everything else, I mean various items that fit into various orifices, in varying colors, shapes, and sizes. Of note, they sold the inflatable sheep, which I contemplated buying to replace my other sheep that has a leak in it. (Oddly enough, Paul was the last one to be spotted with the sheep before the leak presented itself. I'm sure the two are completely unrelated...)

They also sold some stripper items. Some dinky little lime green outfits and some of the ugliest stripper shoes I've ever seen. All of which covered in dust.

Michelle: Look! Camouflage stripper shoes!
Me: I can't see them.

I'm standing next to Michelle when she whispers "LaChoy!" I look and they are selling LaChoy canned chow mein noodles behind the counter. In addition to cans of soda, Pledge furniture polish, and an economy sized can of Carnation Coffee Creamer.

If there is some sort of fetish out there involving coffee creamer and furniture polish, I'd like to know. On second thought, maybe I don't. Nevermind...

Moving right along!

We stopped at After Hours, which is just up the road from Erotic City. The lighting is a little better, and the person working the counter is a woman (I think). Again, 75% videos and 25% novelties. I spot a small display of Emotion Lotion and have a nostalgic moment from when I was a kid and finding these bottles all over the house. My parents were sex addicts. Connoisseurs of kink. I'm surprised they only had three kids.

We saw a lot of the same stuff we saw at Erotic City, only their videos were grouped according to fetish (I didn't see a section marked Chinese Noodles or Furniture Polish). However, I did see a section dedicated to Midget Porn where you could buy cinematic treasures like Little Whores on the Prairie and Tiny Asian Sluts. (It's not enough to have just Midget Porn, but even Midgets have fetish needs, too. Hence, the Asian Midgets...).

I also spotted Pregnancy Porn (porn featuring pregnant women), which leads me to believe that the babies of the, ahem, actresses stand no chance in life once they come out of the womb. There's Geriatric Porn for the sex-charged seniors crowd (or those who find wrinkes sexy). There's Fatty Porn (a free bag of flour with every purchsae). Foot Porn. Cartoon Porn. If you have a hankering for it, chances are pretty good that there is a porn video out there just for you.

Of a more disturbing nature, I discovered there is a market for enema porn. Yes, you read right. Enema porn. I know there is a market for everything, but I'm even mystified by this one. I've given countless enemas. None of them an erotic experience. Some of which just downright terrifying. What's even more disturbing than the presence of enema porn, is the fact that I am wracking my brains trying to think of who I could buy this for as a present. You know, for the person who has everything...

After our exploration of After Hours, Michelle and I are somewhat disappointed that our tour of the stores didn't produce more horrifying discoveries. Plus, it was just two stores. I seem to remember seeing another place on 40 Hwy, so we investigate and find that my suspicions were correct. A Naughty But Nice Store. The cleanest of the three and they take Visa or Mastercard.

Nothing really more exciting here. Much of the same, only more organized, and no Chester Molesters milling around. I spot a video with a girl on the front, and she is fugly. Apparently, there is a fetish for ugly porn stars, no??

Michelle buys a souvenir of our adventures, and we call it a night. I don't buy the inflatable sheep. I'm still convinced I can find the leak in my sheep and patch it up because I'm cheap that way, even though a new sheep only cost $7.

Thus concludes the Big KC Porn Tour '08, Winter Edition. This could be a trend...to find porn stores around the area and investigate. Offering a comprehensive review of each...so the masses will know where to go for all their enema porn and inflatable livestock needs.

Remember to bring hand sanitzer!


Donna said...

Looks to me like you'd be better off going to Passion Parties to get sex stuff. I read the blog of a lady who does those parties; she's in KC, too. Just from what I've read, I think her stuff would be much classier, too.


SmedRock said...

That is what a guy needs to attend. Yup.

XO needs enema pr0n.

Midtown Miscreant said...

Funny stuff! BTW, the chow mien noodles etc, are stash boxes for your valuables. The top is sealed but the bottom screws off and its empty inside.

Sassywho said...

"If there is some sort of fetish out there involving coffee creamer and furniture polish, I'd like to know. On second thought, maybe I don't." I see MM beat me to it with a better guess, I was going to suggest it was for guys who said they were running to the store.

Rachel said...

Those places are crazy! I've been, too, and they provide a lot of entertainment value.

Donna said...

Hey, what's my daughter doing commenting here? How'd she find this place?

IDigSmartLadies said...

I have yet to find a "classy" porn shop. By classy, I mean something that would fall above the bottome quartile of liquor stores.

That being said, there are *nice* stores in Cleveland. The chain is called Ambiance: The Store for Lovers, and it is quite nice. IIRC, the chain is owned by a woman, and the associates in the store are all women. Clearly, they aim for a female clientele, but that doesn't stop them from offering some bizarre things, such as a truly well-muscled latex replica of a forearm and fist, or, for those who want to take the imperative GFY far too seriously, a "Cast your junk in silicone" kit.

I've always had a fantasy of getting it on in one of their changing rooms, but I hardly think I'd be the first (maybe of that day, but I sorta doubt it).

Christy said...

Hmm...there's a trashy porn store down by Westport, a new women-oriented store on 39th St and a few Priscillas around town. I obviously don't go too far into MO.