Monday, August 11, 2008

Going for the Gold

I missed the opening ceremonies of the Olympics, which is disappointing. That's usually the only good part of the entire games.

I'm all for the Olympics and stuff, but I miss the days when they were held every 8 years instead of every 4. Now, you don't even get the chance to miss them before they are upon us again.

I came home from work the other morning and Brother was laying on the couch watching some dude in a top hat trotting around a little circle on a horse. This was an Olympic event. Seriously. A nail biter of an event for certain, not to mention the horse was doing all the work. As boring a it was, I was sucked into watching it, in much of the same way Brother was. Subliminal tranquilizer. Sort of like curling.

It made me think of all the odd events that now pass for Olympic sport. Trampoline? Table Tennis (which is really Ping-Pong)? Badminton?? And the biathlon. Tell me, where else can you go to find a sport that puts cross-country skiing with sharp-shooting? I'm sure if the Ancient Romans could see that sport, they would collectively scratch their heads and wonder, "What the..."

I'm convinced some of these pud events were added so even nerds could compete and make their respective countries proud. And possibly get laid. This would be the only explanation as to why they are trying to make chess an Olympic sport.

Nerd: I won the gold medal in chess!
Hot Chic: That's such a turn-on. Let's go have sex!

Don't forget the modern pentathlon which takes retardedness a step further and goes as follows: shooting (an air gun), fencing, then you swim, then you get out of the pool and get on a horse and ride through an obstacle course (the challenge with this part is that it's an unknown horse). But wait! There's more. After you've done these things, then you get to run 3000 meters.

I'm convinced that this event was started by drunk guys. They all got together and tried to one-up each other after drinking a case of Jagermeister, and the end result being the much-loved and often celebrated pentathlon. You see these botards all the time. They are the ones who get drunk, spin around in a tight circle with their forehead on a baseball bat, and then they try to see who can run the fastest to the nearest Piggly Wiggly for more beer without throwing up.

Thank God they retired the Tug-o-War as an Olympic event. That sport just made the entire Olympics look ridiculous.


Suzy said...

I think you mean every 4 years, not 8. They used to have both summer and winter games every 4 years, now they alternate it every 2 years.

Sully Sullivan said...

It pains me, but I must disgaree with you on many of your comments.

The pentathalon seems a little out of left field, but honestly, what makes the winner of that event any less of an athlete than a synchronized swimmer? or maybe floor excerciser or whatever the hell they're called.

I think tug of war would be great, by the way. I hope they bring it back some day.

Chess is a mental game and a very tough one (I'm horrible at it). I don't think it would be out of place in the olympics. I also feel this way about ping pong. have you seen these top level guys play ping pong? it's insane.

Shit like that's gotta go.

Heather said...

You're right, Suzy. It was every 4 years. But that was so long ago. I like the anticipation of waiting for something really good.

I'm more old fashioned when it comes to Olympic sports. I don't think the Romans had syncronized trampoline jumping back in the Empire Days. My favorite events to watch are the standards: track and field, figure skating, swimming.

Nuke said...

Swimming is OK in the summer, but I am mainly a bobsled fan (blame John Candy).

I think the current games are kind of wussified. Fencing and shooting still make it in, but why not ultimate fighting? You don't think the ancient warrior/atheletes wouldn't have dug the hell outa that? Most of the events in the games are stuff nobody watches on college sports weekends, but put it on NBC and they are all goo goo over it.

Spyder said...

What about unicycle riding?