As the Canoe Turns: A Floating Trailer Park

Brother was fortunate enough to have the holiday weekend off (whereas I had to work and spent the entire weekend preventing people from, oh, DYING!), so he went on a canoe trip with friends. It's something they do every year. They drive to some random camp ground, pitch tents, drink beer, canoe down an already over-crowded river with other like-minded individuals, drink beer, have delicious food cooked over an open fire, and drink beer.

Fortunately (and unfortunately), Missouri laws do not forbid people from operating a canoe while under the influence.

At any rate, Brother and friends go to some campground off the Niangua owned by some hippie in full dreads. He boasted 24 hour security presence (who worked from 9 to 4),a camp store (that opened an hour after the sign said they would open), and the apparent reputation that this was the premier canoe outfitter for the finer trailer parks of Springfield, Missouri. Did I mention that his little camp store also featured items you would find in a head shop?

For the most part, Brother and Co. have a good float. They are not a rowdy bunch, even with all the beer, they respect others, and they are in bed by a decent hour. The folks camping in the site next to them...not so much. They were loud, rude, obnoxious, and someone had bongo drums that they pounded until 3 in the morning. Matthew McConaughey unavailable for comment.

Early Sunday morning, Brother and Co. wake up to find that their entire cache of beer and food and a camera has been cleaned out by the miscreants next to them. Mostly underage kids with one adult, who is somebody's mother. This is the kind of Mom who tries to be one of those "cool" parents by buying alcohol for her precious Snowflake and friends, and sleeps with half of them.

Brother and Co. confront the pillagers, some ass-pounding is about to ensue. White Trash Villagers offer the remaining 4 beers that they didn't drink, and offer up an additional olive branch to make up for their apparently lack of intelligence, class, etc. Only their olive branch is more of 5 pointed-leaf variety. One 16 year old punk tries to get "gangsta" and puffs out his chest, spouting off some crap about just getting out of prison. Hey dumbass, being in juvenile detention getting ass-raped by some guy named Jimmy Jo doesn't constitute thug life. Wiener.

Brother and Co. decide to call the sheriff before there is bloodshed. Meaning the Wiener Troupe was about to need a collective blood transfusion.

Upon hearing that the sheriff is coming, White Trash Villagers haul ass to pack their crap and get the hell out of there, almost leaving a tent behind because they didn't want to bother with tearing it down. I'm guessing half the group had outstanding warrants.

Sheriff Bufard T. Justus shows up and catches the used-up Party Mom. Hilarity ensues as the sheriff takes down statements, and calls one of the WTV a "retarded pothead". He tosses one car when someone from Brother and Co. group mentions the peace offering of cannabis. Unfortunately, his search turns up empty as the weed was in the one car that managed to get away before the sheriff arrived.

No one gets arrested, the hippie that owns the camp ground doesn't offer an apology, citing that this sort of thing happens 2-3 times a year (I'd be willing to guess it happens more often than that when you let your campers terrorize your place of business). When Brother and Co. announce they will not be returning to his business, he gets pissy. I mean, if you own a business, what nerve some people have to actually expect you to run it! Douche.

I've not been on a canoe trip in a while, but I do plan on going on one. I definitely won't be using this guy. There's plenty of outfitters with responsible owners that will be more than happy to have my money.

In retrospect, I guess there are worse ways to spend your weekend, other than working. You could be camping at Camp Pothead, getting your crap stolen by people who swim in the shallow end of the gene pool (which resembles a plastic kiddie pool you buy from Walmart), and then dealing with Ozark's finest.