Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Passing Time at Walmart

The Rocket Scientist is returning to college this week, which is in Arizona. You may wonder why I refer to him (Mr. Recommendation's kid) as the Rocket Scientist. Well, he's pretty smart. Smart enough to win a full ride scholarship at some prestigious school in Arizona that teaches rocket-scientist stuff AND he interns for NASA during the school year.

The only problem I have with Rocket Scientist is that knowing he is as intelligent as he is, sometimes he's kind of an ass to other people (Social Idiot) because he thinks everyone else is retarded. He tries to be funny, but it comes off more insulting than anything. Brother has found himself wanting to kick his ass on more than one occasion.

Anyway, we went to dinner for Rocket Scientist's last night here. For the most part, he behaved himself.

After dinner, Mom needed to go to Walmart. She's been battling a nasty sinus infection, and to make things worse, she coughed so hard, she did something to her eyeball (popped blood vessels, I imagine). She wanted to get a cough suppressant so her eye wouldn't go flying out of her head during one of her coughing fits.

As you can imagine, trailer parks within a 10-mile radius had emptied, and they were all at Walmart. This meant we had to wait in line for a while at the checkout. Mr. Recommendation grabbed sodas and we drank as we waited.

An idea came to me. I'm not saying it was a good idea. I'm just saying it came to me, inspired by some of the stories I read about things seen at Walmart. Heather's Social Experiments: Back in Business.

"How much will you give me if I just rip out a huge belch right here?" I asked Mom. She was thoughtful, looked around here. We were surrounded by people, all waiting in various lines.

"Five dollars," she said.

And so it was on!

I have a talent that can both repulse and earn the deep admiration of men...my ability to eructate. I honed in on this talent when I was in my early 20's when Kant and I hung out with our group of friends and we had belching contests.

So, while standing in line, I took a couple pulls from the soda bottle, incorporating my reliable method for strong belches. I stood there and felt the bubbles churning in my stomach. I glanced around, and released.

It caused the floors to tremble. Not my finest work, but definitely noteworthy.

Not one person looked twice at me, not even glanced! It was as if it didn't happen. My suspicions were confirmed. You can only do this at Walmart. Not Target. Not Costco. Definitely not Hy-Vee. Maybe Sam's Club, but definitely at Walmart.

Where else can you go and behave like a social disease and no one even thinks twice?

I got my five dollars.


Tony said...

Lady burping contests are awesome. Had I heard I would have applauded!!!

IDigSmartLadies said...

Coming up next on ESPN-D, the 2008 Alagaspaloosa Female Belching Contest finals! I've found the nothing, NOTHING, can top Diet Squirt for its dissolved CO2/can. Just don't put it on ice, or you'll lose 95% of the CO2.

On another note, if you want to skip the lines, just go back to electronics. They can ring you out back there and you don't have to wait with the unwashed (lit.) masses up front.

bobbie said...

Do you list that on your resume'??? :-)))) Too funny!
PS ~ you should see the bruise the IV left!!!

Nuke said...

"I got my five dollars"

Damn right, and you earned every cent!