At Home At The Home Show

I went to the Home Show this year. Because I work weekends, today was the only day I could go. Because everyone else I know works normal hours, or just had to work last night, I had to go by myself. No biggie. I've done it before.

First thing in the morning, after Indy woke me up (and I don't really remember much of what was said), I showered, dressed, and went to Home Depot for an advanced ticket. Saved $3 that I applied to a shaken iced tea at Starbucks. I loves me some shaken iced tea, black, with three Splendas.

From there, I drove to the Weight Watchers office and signed up. Say what you will about Weight Watchers, but that shit works. I felt inspired by Dan for one thing. Another was that I felt like the folks who made out with me at my birthday party, did so out of obligation (because it was my birthday and all.) No one ever truly wants to make out with the fat chick, even though she is the best kisser in the Greater Kansas City Area.

Oddly enough, I'm surprised a certain few still own up to doing it, instead of playing like they are too drunk to remember or be accountable for what they did. You know what they say: getting with a fat chick is like riding a scooter. It's a lot of fun, but you don't want your friends to know about it...

Anyway, I signed up, got my WW stuff and weighed in. I was shocked that I weighed a shit-ton less than I did than my last doctor's visit. See! It's working already!! And...AND...I get to claim it as a deduction next year. Hah!!

Back to the Home Show...

I drove downtown, and the usual spot I park was closed. So, I had to park many, many, many blocks away. Ordinarily, I don't mind walking, but I have something very wrong with my knee and it's all wobbly, and it was butt-ass cold outside.

At any rate, I hot foot it to Bartle, give them my advanced ticket, and I am transported into homeowner heaven (or hell, if that sort of thing is not your idea of fun).

The economy must suck. Free show swag was down to a minimum. The KC Parks booth gave me a free rain gauge so I can also obsess about how much rainfall we get. I got a free tape measure from some stone place. A few ink pens. And that's it. Cheap bastards!

I stopped by the Home Depot display to have a look around, and was accosted by a little, ugly Hispanic dude. After a couple times of him asking, I was able to determine that he wanted to know if I was interested in siding, roofing, gutters, or windows. Well, considering my house already has siding, roof, and gutters, and I do plan on having some new windows put in before the next cold season hits, I answered windows.

He drags me over to three guys standing there, and they ask me questions about my windows. Do I want Home Depot to install them? No...that is what Redneck Brother is going to do to work off his debt to me. Baldy snorts, apparently amused that I'm too cheap to pay for professional installation. I laugh, and Baldy sneers that I think it's funny. He actually says, "Look! She's laughing."

"Actually, my brother worked for Pella installing windows for years. He probably has more experience than some of your employees." I reply. I hear their collective penises shrivel. Pella is sold by Lowes, Home Depot's arch nemesis.

I'm suddenly not interested in Home Depot anymore, so I move on to to another booth. Assholes.

Everyone was selling some sort of new cleaning thing that was supposed to revolutionize the way I clean my house. I wasn't buying. Besides, I already bought all that crap at the last Home Show I attended. I don't know about the revolutionizing part, but nifty new cleaning gadgets have not made me want to clean my house anymore than I did before.

This year, my interest was in gardens and landscaping. They either didn't have many, or I just couldn't find them, but companies who grow simple grass were at a premium. I don't need special landscaping curb installed. I just want green, lush grass. I spotted one lawn care booth, marched up to it, and announced that I wanted grass in my backyard (because right now, my yard consists of dirt and weeds). The toothless guy, who also owns the business, tells me he doesn't service my area. Well, fine. I'll take my money elsewhere.

Because it was also a garden show, a couple companies had entries...little gardens set up for contest. Some go all out. Some, not so much. My favorites are generally the ones with water fountains, pools and ponds. Save for one this year that gave me the willies.
The theme for this entry had something to do with a leisurely day of fishing.

WHO THE FUCK THINKS A SUNKEN BOAT MAKES FOR A NICE WATER GARDEN???

I'll be honest. Sinking boats scare me. Not the ginormous cruise ships I like to park my fat ass on once a year. No, I can handle that. I'm talking about little boats like this. Little boats you take your family on for weekends at the lake. When I was six, I once saw a boat sink beside a dock because the assclowns forgot to put the plug in, and that image has stayed with me through the ages. I own a boat, and I have a recurrent nightmare that it will sink. It doesn't even matter if I am on the damn thing. Little boats sinking is one of the few things that scare the hell out of me. My father would be so ashamed if he were alive today. That is how important boating was to my family growing up.Here is the opposite side of the entry. On the right of the picture, there was a huge cascading water fountain. That was nice. However, my eyes kept darting over to that friggin' boat. One of the employees was standing there, and I told them his sunken boat creeped me out. He just shrugged and said it was the idea of his boss. Having the willies, the only thing that calmed me was the baby ducks that also were part of the entry.Ahhhh...little baby ducks make everything better. They could have been geese, I'm not really sure. But they were small, and cute, and didn't look anything like a sunken boat.

I stopped by the pet corner of the show and watched a demo from the Kansas City Disc Dogs. The dogs were pretty cool, and they gave pointers on how to get your dog started on frisbee sport. I think Sam would do well with frisbee. He'll chase after anything I throw at him. This will be my summer project.

Rounding a corner, I spotted something shiny and was immediately transfixed on these shower panels that feature a fixed rain shower head, a handheld shower head, and six body sprays. I called Mr. Recommendation to see if it was a good price (it was a really good price), and because it is exactly what I want for the master bath, I put a deposit down and ordered one.Heated tile floors, full body shower...when that bathroom is finished, I am NEVER coming out. However, if you would like to use my shower, I would entertain it, for a nominal fee, of course. Unless you are extremely hot and want to shower with me...I'm sure we could reach some sort of arrangement that is mutually beneficial to both parties.

I purchased a couple more candles from my most favorite soy candle people in all the world. I also found a handy new grooming brush for Sam and his wild fuzz. I also bought a chunk of summer sausage for Brother (because he *loves* the sausage). My spending didn't go much further than that because I splurged on the shower panel. Four hours after arriving, I called it a day and made the long hike back to my car. Sore knee, cold, depressing weather, and soy candles. A tiring, yet productive, day.

If you have nothing else to do this weekend, and this sort of thing sounds like fun to you, check out the home show. You can also stop by the sunken boat garden entry and tell them that you know a nurse that had to be sedated after seeing their display.

You can also go to the Home Depot booth and kick Baldy in the nuts.