The Grilled Cheese Twins Visit the Dentist

Brother has not seen a dentist in a while. His last visit was such a disaster, he decided not to go back. I can't blame him. If a dentist does a full mouth deep scaling without so much as a numbing gel before, run like hell and don't look back.

Brother has been having issues with his wisdom teeth. He's 28 years old and still has them. After much pain and suffering, he wanted to try the dentist route again. I recommended mine, so I called to make an appointment. They had an opening the exact same time as mine. Great! We could ride together, thereby saving on gas.

Brother goes to his cubby for cleaning, I go to mine for crown replacement prep work. Oh joyous rapture, I get a student hygienist. She is instructed to numb the areas the dentist plans on injecting with anesthetic, and she plants a swab with a generous amount of pineapple flavored goo. A big glob of it falls off the swab and lands in the back of my throat. My throat is now numb and I have zero gag reflex. Sweet!

There is only one instance that this would be a desired result. Now is not that time.

Dentist comes in and gets the largest needle on earth. Now, my dentist has pretty good technique when it comes to those cheek shots. You don't even feel it go in. However, there is no technique that will mask the pain and suffering of an injection directly into the roof of your mouth.

I'll admit it, I whined and cried like a little bitch. I'm convinced that needle ended up in my nose.

Within minutes, the left side of my face was completely numb. Including my nose. My left nostril has competely stopped working.

Some drilling and chiseling ensues and the old crown is finally wrestled free. Sally Student busts out the color chart for my new crown.

Now, back in the day I initially had this crown put in, my teeth were not exactly white. So the crown was yellow-ish. Since then, I have discovered the joys of whitening toothpaste and drinking straws. My natural teeth are so white, people mistake them for bleached. They are the whitest teeth you've ever come across. (Shut up! I've already heard that joke!!)

Sally Student wants to match the crown to the other disgusting yellow-ish crown next to it. I protest. If my other teeth are white, why would I want a yellow tooth? Sally Student doesn't understand this concept. I slowly explain to her, with a drooping left side of my face that I can't feel, that the other crown will be replaced later this year. Reluctantly, she matches to my other teeth, a nice, pristine white.

Replacement tooth is applied and I am told to come back in three weeks for my new crown. Dismissed!

Brother is in the waiting room, and he is sad because he now has to face and oral surgeon for wisdom teeth extraction. At least he didn't leave the office looking like he had a stroke. At one point, I take a drink of iced tea, only to have it run out of the left side of my mouth onto my shirt. Brother thinks this is the most amusing thing he has seen today, and decides to call me Corky.

The numbness lasted all day. At one point, I tried to eat a taco for lunch and was chewing on my top lip...and never realized it. Now, I have a gnawed part on the inside of my lip. So not only do I look like I've had a massive stroke, I also have a fat lip.

Awesome. I love the dentist. My next appointment can't get here fast enough.