Sunday, July 30, 2006

Hotter Than (Insert Word of Choice)

I shouldn't have to tell you it's hot outside. Even the short-bus crowd (which equates to Sugar Creek) can tell you there is a heat wave amidst. When the the bank sign is blinking because the heat has fried the circuits, you know that can't be a good thing.

It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the humidity. Humidity sucks. Heat waves suck.

Air conditioning is the greatest invention since, I don't know. It's just the greatest invention ever. To honor this invention, I am going to hole myself up in my apartment today and spend the day sleeping in my birthday suit until the time rolls around and I have to get ready for work.

Which is really no different than any other Sunday.

Everyone has got a heat-related story (and if you don't, you should get one). My heat story...the damn cursed heat has been so bad, it fried the temperature guage on my car. Not the one that tells me how hot the engine is. No, that little digital display that tells me how hot it is well as what direction I am pointed towards. It's stuck on south. It now loves south. I'm either traveling southeast, southwest, or just plain south. No more north. North is gone, and I don't know for how long. It could be forever. It could be until winter. North won't even go south. It's too hot down there. North has retreated further north...away from the Equator.

And it's always 87 degrees, and never one degree more or less. Even the PT doesn't want to know how hot it is outside.

And I have come to the conclusion that while heated leather seats are sheer heaven in the winter time, they do me no favors this time of year. Especially when I get to work and look as though I pissed all over myself. I really need to invest in some sort of seat cover so when I get into my car that has the internal temperature of an Easy Bake Oven, the top 3 layers of skin on my ass don't peel off once I get to my destination.

I should make some cookie dough and plop a pan in my car to see if I can have a dozen or so cookies to enjoy during my commute to work.

The mental giants at the news station tell me it's going to be a hot day. Shocking, I know. So, stay indoors if you can help it. Park yourself in front of a fan. If you don't have a fan, or you don't have air conditioning, find a place that does and camp out there. If you know someone who is unable to help themselves, don't be an asshole and ignore them. God will smite you in the chocolate starfish if you do.

Most importantly, drink lots of water...but not too much that you get water toxicity and have to pay me a visit tonight on a professional level. Gatorade is good. So is pickle juice (if you are into that sort of thing). Feel free to dump cold water on your head...but make sure you are not wearing a white t-shirt when you do...unless you are George Clooney. If you are, I get to dump cold water on your head...and wherever else I so choose.

Be good. Keep cool. Be safe.

1 comment:

Marti said...

I have two window air conditioners and four fans running and it is 85 degrees INSIDE LOL

I want winter. I want it bad. If it is too cold, I can put on layers of clothes. With this heat, I can get naked but I'm still miserable (and the family is in tears LOL)