Monday, July 03, 2006

The Red Dress

Finally...something to be pleased about.

I love Ebay. I'm a huge Ebay whore. I've bought a little over a hundred things, only got jipped once (because I was novice and didn't know about such bad things). Fortunately, that cost me $ really wasn't out much. I've purchased a camera, a Palm Pilot, a nurses cap, perfume, a lovely Coach purse, mint molds, books, chew toys for the dog, and a myriad of other things that I can't remember right off the top of my head.

My latest purchase was a red dress for my cruise. THIS red dress. I fought hard and came out the victor because considering the stress I have in my life, I think I deserve a red dress. It fits, but I do see that I will have to tone up a couple spots before I wear it for formal night.

However, I'm a little at a loss as how to actually wear it. Obviously, I can't wear a conventional bra, and I don't think a strapless would work either because of the low cut in the front. I dance on the line of DD, so really would prefer not to go commando and run the risk of falling out my dress between the salad and the main course at dinner, giving the person across the table a concussion, and blinding the waiter across the room.

I've heard they make these little sticky things you can wear to sort of keep things in place, but I have no experience with them. I suppose a couple strategically placed pieces of duct tape would work as a last resort.

Or I could get my nipples pierced and rig some sort of snap or something that could fasten from the inside and secure the dress. Duct tape sounds less painful though.

So, if any ladies (or feminine-type males who like to wear such things) have any words of advice to offer, I have 6 months to figure this out.


Xavier Onassis said...

Go commando.

It's a cruise!

Wear the Red Dress like a Red Dress should be worn.

Remove all safety features.

Disable all prohibitions.

So what if you "pop a boob" and put someone's eye out. Give them a wink and a smile and say "Oops. Sorry!"

Switch the the controls to "auto-enjoy".

What happens at sea, stays at sea.

It's not like any of them are going to show up in your emergency room after the cruise and say "I remember you! I saw your booby!"

You will never see any of these people again.

Live it up! Enjoy!

Heather said...

Actually, a handful of people I work with, or used to work with, are going to be on this cruise, and probably sitting at my table.

So, I will have to see them again, unless I move to another state.

Xavier Onassis said...

Then you picked the wrong cruise.

Or the wrong Red Dress.

Or both.

Guess I would have to suggest some Victoria's Secret Halter Bra with "invisible straps" that follow the contour of the dress straps.

Shouldn't run you any more than $50-$75 bucks. LOL!

Be cheaper to go commando. And more exciting.

Either way, enjoy yourself!

Anvil said...

Wow!! All I can say is I want to see you in that dress!

Mrs. McMitchell said...

I've been through the same situation with a backless dress. It was gorgeous but at the same time a pain in the arse! I am a D cup, so I feel your pain, sistah!

I ended up going commando in the backless dress-there are no backless bras in the wee town of Greenock, apparently!- it was *extremely* nervous-making, and I wouldn't want to repeat that for a million dollars.

I've seen the sticky on-y pasty bits at Wal-Mart and they're fairly cheap. Grab a few pairs and try wearing them a couple of times to see if they work! If that doesn't work, see if they have anything that will work online.

Failing those suggestions, take some duct tape, toupee tape (for the dress to stick to the boys, natch) and have fun!

At any rate, I'd kill to own a red dress like that and I want to see pictures of you when you get home! Woohoo!

Marti said...

At the Oscars when the ladies are wearing those outrageous dresses cut up, down and all around, they employ double-sided tape (sopmetimes in conjunction with the sticky nipple covers) Do not use duct or scotch tape.

They also do kind of an invisible halter with tape, starting at the nape of the neck, and following the halter top contour, then scooping under the breasts (you have to lean over at the waist to achieve the proper cleavage) and coming up the other side all the back to the nape of your neck. It forms kind of like a boob sling.

It produces cleavage, keeps them at minimum floppage, and when used with the nipple covers (or large round bandaids) prevents "guns drawn" syndrome, if there is a chill wind. For double D's, you may need to make more than one pass, widening the arc at the bottom, so that your sling has sufficient tensile strength and floppage control.

The double sided tape is the last step, and is used to secure the dress material to you, not for the sling itself.

I know this all sounds crazy, but I saw a dead-serious TV special about a costume expert who had worked on many beauty pageants (Miss America uses double sided tape to keep her bathing suit from riding up her butt-crack) and movie sets. She was giving away all these secrets she had learned over the years.

Best wishes!

Marti said...

PS - I LOVE the dress! You are gonna look fabulous!