Friday, July 28, 2006

An Icon From My Childhood

I loved Barbie when I was younger. I had Barbie out the wazoo. So, imagine my delight when I stumbled across this.

Mattel recently announced the release of limited edition Barbie dolls for the Midwest market:

Leawood Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Town Center Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a longhaired foreign lap-dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter dream house with a lawn service. Available with or without tummy tuck and face-lift. Workaholic ex-husband Ken comes with a Porsche.

Overland Park Barbie: This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar mini-van and matching gym suit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately. Can swear in English and Spanish. Available at Target.

Independence Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, bowie knife, a '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be bought with cash, preferably small bills, unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

Blue Valley Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card set, and country club membership. Also available are Shallow Ken and Spanish-speaking Nanny.

Paola Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a classic Metallica shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. Wants to major in NASCAR at K-State. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Available at Big Lots & Dollar General Stores.

Wyandotte County Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Paola Barbie's (discontinued) house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip-gloss, and a see-through halter-top. Comes with Barbie's dream doublewide trailer. Available at Wal-Mart. Cheap.

The Grandview/Raytown Barbie: This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears leopard print Spandex and drinks cosmopolitans to new age music with friends at the lodge. Into crystals. Comes with Percocet prescription and botox. Also cheap.

Olathe Barbie: This Barbie now comes with a stroller, infant doll and Bible. Optional accessories include a G.E.D. and bus pass on the Jo. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant. Available at any Christian bookstore.

Brookside Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow." She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Brookside Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker free.

Lenexa Barbie: Is pregnant, drives a new Ford Excursion, and is perfect in every way. We don't know who Ken is because he's always away hunting or in Japan on business. Lenexa Barbie aspires to become Leawood Barbie. Not cheap, but still very naive.

Waldo Barbie: Into foosball, animals and bonfires. 98% belong to a cult, 2% are free thinking and void of any "traditions." Does nothing but complain about Plaza Barbie.

Argentine Barbie: This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three babies in the back, without car seats. This is the only Barbie willing to do manual labor. Ken comes in a meat-packer's uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not yet available for Argentine Barbie or Ken.

Plaza Barbie/Ken: This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the "snap-on" parts. Likes to "experiment." Doesn't understand why Waldo Barbie complains so much.

Topeka Barbie: Would come with a 97 Ford Taurus with an unpainted body kit and crappy stereo system. This Barbie is twice the size of all the other Barbies and has more tattoos than Topeka Ken. Ghetto braids optional. And she's still white, but she doesn't "know it".

Lawrence Barbie: This doll comes with a royal blue "Muck Fizzou" t-shirt, 70 parking tickets, and $20k in student loans. She thinks PHIL 100 is deep and gets excited when "I take Women's Studies to meet girls" Ken asks if she wants to go to The Ranch. (She has a sister, Lawrence Skipper, but Skipper long ago declared corporate Mattel evil and destroyed her own box in protest.)

Gardner Barbie: Has never been North of 95th Street and complains about going "all the way to Olathe". Comes with her own bag of fireworks, ill fitting t-shirt/shorts combination and has been banned from all 4 of the Gardner bars. Comes with optional motorcycle and current boyfriend/ex-husband Sh*t Starting Ken.

I am disappointed there is no Northland Barbie. Maybe she is still stuck on the bridge.

5 comments:

Xavier Onassis said...

You are referring to the much awaited Excelsior Springs Barbie.

Combines features of the Independence and Wyandotte County Barbies, but with a lot less style and class.

Comes with a McDonalds uniform and can only say "Do you want fries with that?" or "CALL 911!"

SmedRock said...

Awsome. Sometimes you make me want to cry. :)

Heather said...

Cry? I'll take that as a compliment...although I don't know why.

Marti said...

ROTF! THose are great! You're very creative!

Hope you have a great weekend!

Heather said...

I can't claim this work as my own. I am merely the conduit for this funny. I found it and posted it for your enjoyment.

So...um, enjoy!