Sunday, September 10, 2006

Adventures in Homebuying: The Loan Application

A lender I am working with emailed me an application. "Just fill it out and fax it back to me?" he said ever-so-simply.

That bitch is SEVEN PAGES LONG!!! Plus, it reads like stereo instructions. There HAS to be an easier way to do this. Lots of people buy houses. Lots of STUPID people buy houses. How in the hell did they manage to complete the loan application??? I speak Japanese and some Russian. I have an IQ of 132. I make calculations that can be the deciding factor whether someone lives or dies. I'm not stupid.

But I do know my limits.

Everytime I even glance in the general direction of the loan application, I smell oranges and I feel a seizure coming on.

Surely, I can pay someone to do this. Somewhere out there, is the idiot savant of loan applications...salivating over the next opportunity to fill in all the blanks and boxes. It's their porn.

I just need to find them.

3 comments:

Xavier Onassis said...

Seven pages for the loan application is nothing. Wait until The Closing (Du Du Du Dummmm).

You will sign your name and initial more paragraphs than most presidents do in two terms in the White House.

And WHATEVER you do, DO NOT look at the total amount that you will pay (cost of the house plus interest, closing costs, insurance, escrow, yada, yada, yada) over the term of the mortgage. Otherwise the next thing you hear will be someone yelling "CLEAR!!".

Before you go to the title company for The Closing, take a Vicodin, wash it down with a double bourbon, then just nod, smile and sign where they tell you to.

When it's all over, you'll be a homeowner. Enjoy!

Jared said...

Everytime I even glance in the general direction of the loan application, I smell oranges and I feel a seizure coming on.

What's the oranges all about?

Heather said...

Some people usually get an indicator before a Grand Mal Seizure. That indicator can be visual changes, or smelling something that really isn't there.

Hence, the smelling of the oranges.