Dating Alarms

Dooce recently blogged about her past experiences with dating red flags. I don't know that I have ever thought about them as red flags, but I have always felt that if there was a loser within a 20 mile radius of me, I will instantly be attracted to him and fall hopelessly in love with him, only to have him tear my heart out of my chest, stomp on it, grill it, and laugh in my face. If I am lucky, they won't tell me that they have also decided they are gay and am running off to be with some guy named Juan.

Yup. I've got fine taste in men.

Even so, there are some things, red flags, that give me a moment's pause as to whether I will continue seeing the boy in question.

1. He has fasted and prayed about me before the subject of a first date has been broached. This really happened. The guy fasted and prayed over every single female in the singles branch. Apparently, he didn't get the answer he was seeking (as far as I was concerned), and he never asked me out. He was also a big dork, and I would have turned him down anyway.

2. Compares women to value meals at McDonalds. I think I fare better than chicken McNuggets and a chocolate shake.

3. Is in his late 30's, and still lives with his mom. Do I really need to elaborate on this one?

4. Plays for both teams. I can compete with other women, but I cannot compete with another penis.

5. Completely covered with body hair. Urp. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. If I wanted to curl up to something furry, I have my cat.

6. Chronic cheaters. I've dated these guys before. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.

7. Chronic liars. See number 6.

8. They do things that make you question their sexuality...even if they claim they are straight. I've "outed" enough ex-boyfriends after the fact, I don't feel like outing anymore. If you can't be honest with me, at least be honest with yourself. Besides, it's starting to give me a complex.

9. He answers the door naked, and you haven't even kissed him yet. This really happened to me, and I don't want to discuss it further for fear of undoing all the progress my therapist has made with me.

10. He's a bad kisser. While this is not a big deal to some women, it's a big deal to me. Of all the things I like to do to pass time, I love kissing. I think it's probably the best way to gauge, ahem, other talents. That, and I just like kissing. Did I mention how much I like kissing?? Lips too tense = bad. Slobbers all over you and your shirt = bad. Bad breath and teeth = very bad. I once went out with a guy who seemed out of sorts when I kissed him. I finally asked him why:

Him: I don't really like kissing.
Me: Why not?
Him: There's all kinds of germs in your mouth, it's so dirty. It's gross.
Me: Gross...
Him: But you can give me a blowjob if you want.
Me: Uhhh...I have to go home and tend to the cat.

11. General things that should be red flags. This includes multiple children with different women (no baby-mama-drama here), on parole, a meth problem, still married, and/or just a general dumbass. Nothing gets on my nerves faster than someone who drives the short-bus.

Some guys are sneaky...you don't find the red flags until after you have developed feelings, and they have shed the sheep's clothing. Then, the break is that much harder. They do it on purpose, thinking we are already hooked, and then figure we'll just keep them around. Bastards.

You married folks don't know how easy you have it. Being single...it sucks.