More on Fuzzy Bastards

If I could revel in a crowning achievement in home ownership, aside from actually buying the house, would be that I could finally, after many years of failure, grow a bumper crop of tomatoes. And it looked like I was well to reaching that goal.

I had a small batch of grape tomatoes ripen on the vine. I washed them and put them in the fridge, only for Paul (ND!) to discover and eat half of them before I caught him in the act. I collected two larger tomatoes that sit in my kitchen window, waiting for their moment to shine. Monday, I inspected my tomato bushes and much to my delight, I saw at least a dozen green tomatoes in varying sizes on the vine. I announced to Paul that these tomatoes would be the tomatoes I use for my World Famous Fresh Garden Salsa. All I would have to do is wait for them to get bigger, and ripen.

So, imagine my horror today when I went out to water the plants and all those green tomatoes were gone. GONE!! Neighbor kids did not do this. I had to look no further than my own backyard for the culprit.

I spotted this little fucker the other day on my deck, having just finished gnawing on a little green pear tomato. Of note, I have yet to see what a fully grown pear tomato looks like thanks to this little shithead. I had been finding little green pieces of tomato scattered throughout the deck area. Look at him! He looks guilty!! However, I know he has accomplices. Namely, the herd of squirrels that seem to relish in tormenting Sam and cleaning out the bird feeder. Not to mention the family of rabbits that live under my shed. They are all in on it. One great, big, secret combination whose sole purpose is to rob me of my tomatoes.

Mom thinks they are charming. She is grateful they are able to get nourishment in this ungodly heat. Apparently, Mother has forgotten how much she liked the World Famous Fresh Garden Salsa. I bet if I told her that the fuzzy bastards were eating her share of the salsa, she would send an exterminator over to the house first thing in the morning. Or with my brother moving in, I suggested that I could station him out on the back deck armed with a BB gun and he could pick off any illegals one by one. He did it with Mom's mice problem in her garage one summer.

Instead, she suggested that I spread moth balls around the tomato plants because they will keep critters away. I don't know if this works. It would suck if they didn't because not only would I have no tomatoes, I'd have the smell of moth balls in my back yard. It seems I have the growing part down, now I just need to protect my harvest, especially at night because that seems to be when they strike the worst. Apparently, the chipmunk was feeling rather ballsy to do it in broad daylight.

Any suggestions?