Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Pansies With Wheels

Robins are supposed to be an indicator that spring is here. So, I was puzzled when I saw my first robin because it was laying in the middle of the street...dead. I don't know what that was an indicator of, other than it was a dead robin. With today's nice day, I figured it meant nothing and moved on, especially when I saw a cluster of live robins playing in a water hole.

I took Sam to his obedience class, and afterwards, I took him to Sheridans because they have free puppy cones, and Sam loves frozen custard.

While I was sitting in the drive through, I noticed a group of guys, maybe in their late teens, early twenties, riding around on those little pocket bikes. They were being really retarded about it, too. Darting in front of oncoming cars, popping wheelies in the parking lot. It reminded me of the one guy in my neighborhood that owns one, and whizzes up and down the street like he is Billy Badass. I can count on more than one hand how many times this guy almost met the business end of my PT Cruiser.

I know a lot of towns are now passing ordinances that ban these little bikes from travelling on public streets because they are so small, they pose a safey hazard to themselves and other cars. I have to wonder, though, if guys don't realize that they look like big pussies riding these things.

They almost look like they lack the testosterone to ride a real bike, so they pushed their 7 year old brother off his bike and stole it.

Is a grown man on a bike built for Vern Troyer supposed to make us, as women, swoon?? And suppose it does make us swoon, how in the hell are you going to take us anywhere? Where are we supposed to sit? On your head???

Or maybe you can have your Mother pick me up.

Or I can just come over and we can play video games in your basement..

Yet Another Reason I Like Working Nights

I've said it before, and I will say it again...parking sucks at my job, unless you work nights. That's pretty standard at most hospitals, I think. You are allowed to park in places normally off-limits to the day employees because of the safety factor.

There are those rare occasions that I find myself having to go in during the day for something or other. Today was such a day.

I'm on a craptastic committee, designed to earn some prestigious award that is supposed to make nurses feel better about their jobs. What little enthusiasm I had for being on this committee diminished when I discovered Nazi Nurse joined it as well.

So today, I get up early. Just to remind the general public: I don't get out of bed before 0900 unless my apartment is on fire. I shower, I get all cute and stuff because we are supposed to look somewhat professional when we go to committee meetings. I even leave early. I stop at Starbucks for my drink du jour, and I have an hour to spare. It only takes me 15-20 minutes to get to work. I'm going to actually be on time for a meeting!

I enter the garage. I can park there without retribution because I have a parking card. I realize immediately that it's not going to have a good outcome because the Asian lady in the car ahead of me blocks all other cars from entering the garage because she is debating whether she should park in the little spot with a big, red NO PARKING sign. She apparently notices the sign after 5 minutes because she goes onward. We creep into the garage at 2 miles an hour. Round the corner...and are immediately held up again because some shmuck is waiting for some old lady to get into her car, to back out, so they can take her spot.

I hate people who do that.

It happened at my last job. I would get choice parking because I worked nights, and in the morning, some asshole would follow me, in their car, as I walked to my truck. Then, they would sit there and wait for me to pull out. I would sit in my truck and wait for it to warm up before leaving. In the cold weather, it was warranted because I had Oprah, and like any old girl...and it would take a while to get warmed up. Because I am also an asshole, sometimes I would sit there even when the truck didn't need that much warming up because it's downright creepy to follow someone in your car. One snowy day, a man annoyingly knocked on my window and asked me to move my truck so he could park there. I suddenly remembered that I forgot something, so I got out of my truck and walked back into the hospital and had breakfast.

Anyway, today I spent 40 minutes trapped in the parking garage, no spots to be had. I ultimately ended up behind a teal-colored car with it's rear window secured in place by duct tape. Disgusted, I gave up and made it out of the garage, drove around the hospital campus for an additional 20 minutes before saying "screw it" and just going home. Wasted almost a quarter of a tank of gas that I paid $2.29 per gallon for.

Bastards.

However, I was not going to waste the time I spent making myself cute and professional-looking just to go home and blog, so I stopped at a Quick Lube and got the oil changed on my car first.

I was the nicest looking one at that garage. I think I even smelled better, too.

Oprah's Return to Power

Some of you may remember my big truck, Oprah. Some of you may remember that after futile attempts to sell the damn thing, I just gave it to my little brother. Shortly after he got it insured, titled, licensed and all that junk that goes with making a vehicle legal for use, the engine gave it's last hurrah between Kansas City and St. Joe at some podunk truck stop...with a sputtering fanfare of black smoke and burning oil smell.

Good thing I didn't sell it, because the buyer would have been torching my house.

Mike, being the resourceful, mechanically-inclined of us siblings made a couple calls to his network, secured a new engine for a fraction of the cost it would have been to just go out and buy one. With the help of 'Bert, they dropped the new engine into the old girl, giving her a new lease on life.

Mike brought the truck over yesterday and let me drive it. I must say, it runs better than it ever did when I owned it. I took it out on the highway and cruised with ease at 85 mph. Mike has done some body modifications with it...tinted windows, high-end stereo system, beefy exhaust...making it a pretty badass truck. I'm terribly proud of him. Mom says I done good by giving it to him.

But I did tell him that should anything happen, I want my truck back.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Nurse Follies: Soap is Our Friend

Unbeknownst to myself and my coworkers, my hospital is apparently running a special for those prospective patients with very bad hygiene.

Bad Hygiene Week: Act Now and Get a Free Bar of Dial Soap!

This weekend has been one of those weekends, last night especially, where you just come home, strip down to your birthday suit once you get inside, and make a mad sprint to the shower. It was that disgusting.

At the beginning of the shift, I thought that maybe I could stop by the store on my way home and pick up some stuff so I can make a fabulous dinner. By morning, the idea of me even standing in a produce section didn't sound like a well-thought out plan. I could inadvertantly expose the Northland to some bacteria that hitched a ride on my scrub jacket. Some bacteria that hasn't even been identified by modern science. No one wants to be responsible for spreading Captain Tripps, causing the extinction of every man, woman and child in Kansas City, so I just came straight home.

We will be going out tonight for dinner.

It never fails to amaze me how gross people can be. Last night, one of my patients chucked his urinal onto the floor...after he had filled it. Piss was everywhere! I stood there in the doorway, surveying the damage, making a mental note to clean my shoes after I left the room.

Me: Why did you do that?
Gross Patient #1: I was finished with it.
Me: You could have called.
Gross Patient #1: (shrugging his shoulders) I want a cup of coffee.

At least I wasn't alone, all the other nurses had their lion's share of nastiness to behold. Just a few doors down from Piss Thrower, was the Grunter. He would perch himself on a commode at least 2-3 times an hour, grunting and straining so hard, you could hear him down the hall. I was certain he was going to blow out his O-ring before the night was through. What made this more noteworthy was that he would call friends and family, while he was sitting on his throne.

Gross Patient #2: Yeah, I was going to go uuuunnnngggghhhhhh and visit him, but I had to come here aaaarrrrrggggghhhhh instead.

Meanwhile, Gross Patient #3 is bored and has resorted to picking his boogers and flicking them across the room. Thankfully, I didn't have to go into his room for anything.

They come in with their horrible smell, and no matter how many baths they get, no matter how much soap, shaving cream, toothpaste, deodorant, powder and anything else we can get our hands on, the person will still stink to high heaven after we are finished. It's almost like someone took a big crap in their mouth and forgot to flush.

After nights like this, though, I am eternally grateful I don't work in OB. Women with bad hygiene often translate into lethal smelling girly parts that would send even the most seasoned nurse into early retirement.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

My Parking Rant

My place of employment utilizes parking garages, but still parking sucks...which is one of the reasons I work nights...better parking. Our garages are one-way only, but without fail, I will get to work and inevitably come headlight to headlight with a car who made a wrong turn, and was now going the wrong way in the parking garage. Predictably, the retarded driver of the offending car will glare at me like I did something wrong. Almost as if it is my fault they are too stupid to know what a One-Way sign means.

Apparently, lots of folks missed Know Your Sign Day at Driver's Education Class.

I didn't really understand the magnitude of this growing epidemic until I had my big knee surgery three years ago. Because I was on non-weight bearing status for three solid months, my doctor was kind enough to give me one of those temp tags you hang on your rearview mirror so you can park in what I am have termed, The Gimpy Spot.

The first conclusion I came to right off the bat was there are simply not enough handicapped parking spaces in the world. The second conclusion I came to was while I was at Wally World, gorked on pain killers and riding one of those little scooter things with a basket: they give out too many handicapped placards. That day, I was chased down by a man who wanted my scooter for his 300+ pound Mama, who was sitting in the car in a Gimpy Spot, waiting for a scooter, because she was too big (i.e. lazy) to walk.

On a side note, wouldn't it make more sense to not give the generously proportioned population handicap cards so they are forced to park farther away from the store and have to walk?? But I digress...

On the cards, at the bottom is says to not drive while the card is hanging on the mirror. It obstructs your vision. Now, when you go out, take notice of how many people are illiterate because they have those cards dangling from their mirrors as they speed down the interstate.

Maybe their handicap is they can't read.

Don't get me wrong, there are genuine conditions the warrant the need for the cards, and those who need them should take full advantage of them. In my professional opinion...having an enormously large ass that is a direct result of too many Biggie fries is not a qualifying condition.

What really pissed me off during my 3 months on crutches, is the number of people who had no such handicap card, and parked in Gimpy Parking anyway. I just wanted to hop over to them and beat them with my crutch and give them a reason to be handicapped. Stupid, inconsiderate people.

What I really don't get, are those parking spots next to Gimpy Parking that is reserved for Expectant Mothers Only. If I parked in one of those spots, how would anyone know if I was pregnant or not? Would the manager come out and demand a urine test?? A recent sonogram?? I love it when I see men park there. Do you know how many times I've wanted to ask them when their due date is?? To congratulate them on their pending arrival? Incidentally, the guys who park in these spots don't have Gimpy Cards either.

So ends my parking rant...one of my peeves about driving.

Friday, March 03, 2006

I Did It!

I've been stewing about this all day, but I decided to go ahead and do it.

I bought tickets to see Tim and Faith. Woo-hoo!

Sure, I bought the cheapest tickets ($45 a pop), and sure, I will probably be in the nosebleed section of Kemper Arena...but I still get to see them.

Tickets officially go on sale tomorrow, but I was able to get in on a promotion where I could buy them online a day early. I bought two, but have no idea who I am going to take.

I could make it a contest, like on Malcolm in the Middle...

Who Loves Heather More. The winner can get the other ticket.

Something to think about...

Up in Smoke

I just received word that my hospital will be going to a smoke-free work environment this fall. This on the heels of another inner-city hospital making a similar announcement. No one, not family members, not employees, would be allowed to smoke on hospital property. Employees would either get ticketed or fired, I imagine family members would be ticketed.

I have worked for another hospital that started out smoke free. We had to sign some lame little contract promising we wouldn't. I don't smoke, so I really didn't care. It was interesting to see that over the course of many years, I would spot more and more people outside in common areas lighting up, and not a cop-for-hire in site to reprimand them. When I left, I think the smoke-free thing was just sort of cast aside...like a groupie the day after the concert.

Now that two of KC's largest hospitals have started this initiative, I think it only a matter of time before the other hospitals follow suit. It's not a brilliant marketing tool to lure potential patients..."Come to Bob's Community Hospital...You're One-Stop Lung Cancer Center". Their new slogan could be "Get It and Quit It...All In One Place".

Whatever.

I'm curious to see how some of my coworkers fall in line with this new policy, because they smoke like that area in JoCo did the other day. It would be dumb to quit a job just because you couldn't smoke on campus. I can just tell the ACLU is chomping at the bit for this one. They haven't made headlines in months, and they surely don't want us to forget they exist (like that is possible).

Like I said, I don't smoke, so I really don't give a crap about what other people do to their bodies. It's just job security for me. However, I do remember one incident where some lady was coming to visit a sick family member, and had to pass through a gauntlet of smokers at the front entrance. She had a massive asthma attack right there at the front door and had to be admitted. It was after that incident, the smokers were re-routed to the back of the hospital...out of site, out of mind.

It will only be a matter of time before ALL public places have a smoking ban.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Extortion: Kansas City Style

In about a month, Jackson county folks will be asked to vote for a tax increase that would fund the improvements to both Arrowhead and Royals stadiums, in addition to putting some pop-up picnic umbrella that would qualify as a rolling roof.

All in the name of seducing the Super Bowl to come to KC.

Because let's face it, the Royals won't be making it to another World Series anytime soon.

While hosting the Super Bowl sounds like a pretty stellar idea, I'm not too impressed with how they plan on paying for this expensive project to make the stadiums all shiny and new. Everyone knows Jackson county is among the poorest in the area. Everyone also knows that the majority of people who hold season tickets are from Johnson County, Kansas. It might even be safe to say that more people from JoCo attend Chiefs games than any other county.

Somehow, expecting Jackson county to foot the entire bill for this is like me going on my cruise next year, and expecting my younger brother and his struggling family to pay for it.

Considering they charge, what, $25-$30 just to park there, not counting the tickets AND what they charge for hotdogs...I have a hard time believing the teams are having a hard time finding moeny to pay for their own umbrella.

Today, The Star ran some story about it...which boiled down to an ultimatum by both the Chiefs and Royals camps. "Pass the measure, or we are going to move elsewhere."

A scare tactic to be certain. I think it's bullshit, and I love the Chiefs. Royals games are fun, but my love for baseball has yet to be discovered since the strike. Attending a T-Bones game is much more enjoyable...and cheaper.

I remember in nursing school being taught that when someone makes a demand, "Love me or I will set myself on fire..." you should tell them to go ahead and light the match.

If they do set themselves on fire, the least you can do is call the fire department...but I digress.

So, I wonder if KC will call their bluff. Maybe the Chiefs will move, maybe Johnson County can build them a new stadium and they can move there, where the residents are more than willing to spend $10 for a bag of peanuts. It's widely known the county has more dollars than sense anyway...

Or just pass a bi-state tax...but there would be too much bitching involved. Most of if would come from south of the Dot.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Way to go, you big dork!

I got paid last Friday, and like the countless people out there in the world, I have harnessed the power of direct deposit. I can sleep in on paydays, knowing my fundage is being safely placed in my checking account. I have even discovered the joys of banking online while in my bathrobe.

So I woke up Friday morning and checked my account just to see how much I got paid. Imagine my puzzlement when I saw my deposit was only half it's normal size. Annoyed, I slipped on my shoes and walked to the mailbox (still in my pajamas) and fished around for my check stub.

Opened it...

Studied it...

Let forth a string of profanities.

The bosshole failed to put in my paid time off for my week in Atlanta. He claims he forgot (he does that a lot), but would remedy the situation if I needed the money. I didn't really need the money and could have been more than okay with having it added to my next paycheck, but out of sheer principle, I told the Bosshole to I wanted my money this week.

Now, I have to drive to work to pick up the other half of my paycheck. I think this was done deliberately by the Bosshole in an attempt to flaunt his power.

I can see that my adversary is somewhat clever.

But I have estrogen on my side...

No shoes, no snow, no problem!

I just booked another cruise. Yay for me!!! AND...I actually have found someone to go with me, and I didn't even have to twist his arm into it. I think the idea of being someplace tropical with a foo-foo drink in hand sounded appealing to him.

This will be one heck of an outing!

But who is going with me is nonessential. The most important thing is that I am actually getting to go on my trip early next year, and I don't have to pay for double occupancy to do it. Right about the time everyone else in KC will be freezing their collective asses off. Yay!

The ship I will be on will be the Carnival Liberty, boasting an theater out in the pool area, so I can sit in this hot tub, and watch "Titanic". It will be an 8 day Eastern Caribbean jaunt where the temps are at least 80 degrees if not more. Someome else will be making my bed, cooking my meals, making my room tidy, bringing me room service, kissing my ass, and then leaving a fun towel animal on my bed to welcome me after a long night of wandering the ship.

No work! No Bosshole!! I won't even tell anyone I am a nurse. I will just tell people I work as a people greeter at Walmart.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

A More Serious Post

I went in extra on Monday night because I was needed. I may be an asshole, but I am sympathetic to my fellow nightshifters when it comes to working short. So, I went in for the last 8 hours of the shift. As I entered the unit, all hell was breaking loose. Some naked black woman with an NG tube hanging out of her nose was screaming the song "God Bless America", and ranting about fighting for her freedom of religion. Yes, it is safe to say she had some mental issues.

The resident, who couldn't find her ass with her own two hands, was watching the drama unfold, not certain as to what to do. The police were called to help restrain the patient as I was barking orders to the resident. The police arrived and the patient began singing about how we called the "Po-Po" on her. Four restraints, and a shitload of Haldol later, all was quiet on the western front.

Ahhh, the joys of nursing.

Paul also worked that night, but was so busy running his ass off that he didn't have a chance to come see me. I talked with him the next morning, observing he was physically and emotionally drained. I had heard there was a pediatric code, but not aware of the outcome. Pediatric codes are ugly and frightening. This one was on 9 year old who was carried in unresponsive by the dad. The outlook was bleak.

It wasn't until 2 days later that I learned that I knew the dad. A quiet, soft-spoken man from church who never said a negative thing about anyone. I learned that today, the child would most likely be taken off life support.

I've been in the medical field in one capacity or another since I finished high school...which is to say a long time. I've witnessed death, life, a man running around in an orange sequined thong...but I have never had to watch a child die. I made the choice to remove life support from my own father when I was 18. I cannot fathom what it would be like to have to do it to your own child. I don't even want to try. Just thinking about it almost makes a part of me die inside...and I don't even have kids.

I've been thinking about this all day today. It's funny how when you work in a hospital, you hear about patients...and hearing about what is going on with them physically, you can accurately say, "they are going to die" without missing a beat. It never occurs to anyone that a miracle may happen and the person just might pull through. On one side, the spiritual part, I know that miracles do happen. On the other, the more pragmatic, scientific part...I know that there is no hope for this child, and she will die.

It's hard for me to figure out which is stronger even though I know what the obvious answer should be.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Kid Rock = Sex Symbol?

It seems that you have truly not made it to the bigtime unless you have your own sex tape out. Paris Hilton, Pam and Tommy Lee, Pam and Brett, Colin Farrell, that fat guy from Motley Crue...

Now, the country will be treated to the sex tape of, gulp, Kid Rock and Scott Stapp. Not separate tapes...

Together...

With a tour bus full of groupies (whores).

Everyone together...1...2...3...BLLLLAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!

Kid Rock is now in court fighting the release of this tape by some business that is in the business of selling illicit sex tapes. I secretly think he is making such a big deal because he has a small penis.

I ask you...why would you make such a tape if you have no intention of no one ever seeing it...because you know, those things will always get out. The numerous tapes preceding should stand as witness to that.

And who the hell was holding the camera?!?

I also ask you...why in the hell would anyone pay money to see Kid Rock naked??? Hell, I would send money just to make certain he keeps his clothes on...and never procreates.

As for Stapp...well, what can we say for a guy who rose to fame initially in a Christian rock band? The same guy who only recently was arrested just before his honeymoon because he was being a drunken asshole at the airport. Stapp isn't making a big stink about the tape. He could be proud of his mangina, or he is too stupid to know any better.

Considering he was on a bus with a bunch of ho's and a naked Kid Rock, I'm inclined to believe in the latter.

An Hour of My Life...Wasted

I subscribe to Netflix. I put Duece Bigalow 2 on my rental list because I thought the first one was funny, in a sort of corny toilet humor way.

The second one sucked. I couldn't even finish the movie, it was so bad.

Why didn't anyone warn me??

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Nurse Follies: The Psych Patient

I don't care much for working Psych. In fact, it was the most loathed subject in nursing school. I remember breaking out in hives and having digestive problems for the entire semester I had to take it. After I took my psych final, I vowed to never work in that field ever.

Of course, that doesn't mean the psych floor can't come to you. The following story is such an instance.

I was a relatively new nurse at the time, fresh off orientation, and scared shitless.

I get report and the nurse tells me about the guy in room 27. He is a very tall, very large, manacing-looking black man. He has an extensive psych history, and that day, was having homicidal-suicidal ideation.

Excuse me? I ask the day nurse to clarify.

The patient, whom I will call Big Ed, was admitted for something that I don't even remember right now, but it was something that required cardiac monitoring...which brought him to my floor. That day, he had been saying he wanted to kill himself, and goes on to demonstrate his need by wrapping the phone cord around his neck and tries to strangle himself. He is given a sitter (someone who constantly sits in the room and monitors them for their safety). He then tells the sitter about his plan to attack a nurse in hopes the cops will shoot him.

Fantastic. Did I mention that I was a very new nurse??

So, my night begins. I assess my patients, saving Big Ed for last. He is pleasant enough. I ask him if he is still feeling like hurting himself. He says no, but he is hungry and can he have some toast? Sure! I get him some toast, thinking he is not going to be a bad patient at all. Heather is going to have a good night.

An hour later, the sitter sticks her head outside the patient's room and is frantic. Big Ed is trying to kill himself. I rush into the room and find Big Ed sitting in bed trying to cut his wrist with the plastic butter knife he got with his toast. I was annoyed that the sitter didn't take away his knife after she put the butter and jelly on his toast, but I reached over and plucked it out of his hand.

"Big Ed, these knives won't even cut through butter."

Not exactly therapeutic nursing communication, I know.

A frustrated Big Ed sulks while laying in bed. I deem the situation to be under control and then proceed to my evening med pass.

An hour later, I am approached by another aide who tells me that Big Ed is threatening to leave. I go to his room and find him fully dressed in overalls. We have a different sitter now, and she is doing a pretty good job of calming Big Ed down, but he is still saying he wants to hurt someone so the cops will shoot him. I call the psych doctor. She comes to the floor and looks at his chart.

Me: He is threatening to leave.
Doc: He can't leave. He's a danger to himself.
Me: I know that technically he can't leave, but if he makes a run for the door, no one is going to stop him.
Doc: Well, you can't let him leave.
Me: He's a very large, psychotic man. As far as I am concerned, he can go anywhere he likes.

The psych doctor is clearly not impressed with me, but I don't care. I value my life more than her opinion.

More commotion comes from room 27. I investigate and the patient is escalating. He is now telling us that he is definitely going to strangle a nurse so the cops will shoot him. The sitter is now standing in the doorway of the room, ready to bolt. I rush back to the psych doctor.

Me: He needs something to calm him down.
Doc: I'm not ordering anything because sometimes meds make it worse.
Me: Well, I'm also going to call the hospital police up here.
Doc: You can't call the police, it will only upset him further.

Right then, the charge nurse appears and announces that the police will be called because the patient is threating violence towards the staff. It would be in the doctor's best interest to go to the patient's room and try to talk him down. She grudgingly goes. We call the police.

Meanwhile, I follow the doc back to the patient room. He is very agitated. She starts talking him down, and it seems to be working until out of the clear blue, he has an outburst. He gets on his bed, on his knees, and points a large, beefy finger right at me.

"I"M GOING TO KILL A NURSE!!" he screams.

My sitter, let's out a terrified squeal and runs out of the room, leaving me and the doctor behind. The doctor is very calm and collected. She should be, she is a doctor and no one is threatening her life.

I, on the other hand, am about ready to soil myself.

The doctor takes leave of the room when it is apparent that this patient is now officially out of control. I'm not an idiot, I follow her out. Big Ed follows us out and starts pacing the halls like a raging bull. The other nurses begin rushing around and closing all of the other patient room doors. The psych doc, in all her infinite wisdom, decides that maybe the patient could use some medication, and please would I go get some?

This is a relief to me. Not only because Big Ed is going to get the meds he needs, but also because I now have a reason to lock myself in the med room.

The police show up. I hear the collective groan of the rest of the nurses on the unit because the two officers they sent were women. One officer, casually slips on a pair of gloves (in case she has to touch the patient...which is standard practice). She puts them on in such a manner, you would think she is preparing to pull a rabbit out of Big Ed's ass. Then, like one of those guys who direct airplanes at the airport, she directs Big Ed back to his room.

"Sir," she says firmly, "Go back to your room. It is the safest route."

For a moment, I thought he would go ballistic and she would have to use her taser (which is what the nurses were sort of hoping for)...but Big Ed finally goes back into his room where he escalates even further. He begins to get violent so the two police officers, the nursing supervisor, and the psych doctor proceed to hold him down in bed. Arms and legs flailing everywhere from all parties involved.

And here I come. I am holding a syringe with something that is going to make everything all better...I hope.

Unfortunately, the patient is covered with bodies, and moving...so I can't give the shot. The psych doctor wants me to just plow the needle into his thigh, through the denim. The nursing supervisor vetos this. More wrestling ensues until I spot a patch of flesh.

Apparently, the rest of the staff were watching this through the observation window. To this day, they tell me that I sort of dove in holding my syringe like Norman Bates.

After the injection, the patient subsequently calmed down. We demanded the medical doctor clear him to go to psych. He didn't want to at first, but he caved with six angry nurses glaring at him. It also helped that the nursing supervisor threatened to call the attending. Residents hate it when we do that.

From what I understand, the patient had another episode on the psych floor the following morning. From what I also understand, the Big Ed had been banned from returning to a few larger psych hospitals because he assaulted staff. This is information they don't tell you when the patient is admitted to your floor.

And so goes my first memorable experience as a new nurse. One of many notables which I may chronical later.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Where, oh where, have the smart people gone?


I don't consider myself a feminist, but sometimes I think there should be a new feminist movement. Not aimed at the idea that we can be just as good as men, but rather aimed at women who embarass everyone else without a Y chromosome.

I never considered myself a Pink fan either, but her newest song, "Stupid Girls" is quite catchy, and has a pretty good message. If you haven't heard it, or seen the video, I suggest you do just so you have an idea of what I am talking about. Stupid girls reign the media, and I see them by the truckload at the AMC. Fourteen year olds dressed like whores because that is cool and trendy. Those girls will grow up to appear in the latest Girls Gone Wild.

Usually I think the Stupid Girls are somewhat amusing...but even then it gets old after a while.

Which could explain why I don't watch a lot of television. Everytime I see an image of Paris Hilton or Jessica Simpson, I swear I lose 10 IQ points.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Nursing Station: The Showdown

I have the dubious misfortune of being the charge nurse tonight.

Even being the world's biggest asshole has not prevented us from being shafted in terms of staffing and admits. Nursing office complains that they have had three pages of call-ins for this weekend (some sort of flu), they have pulled one of my nurses to float to another floor, leaving us short. Plus, we have gotten more than the lion's share of admits for our floor...most of the bullshit admits that can go to other floors.

To make the whole charging experience even more rewarding, four people have called in for day shift.

I tell you, charging is simply not worth the extra $2 an hour.

An almost full floor with half isolation patients. Only 5 nurses on days to cover (they usually get 7), and no telemetry techs. Nursing supervisor tells me they have no nurses to float, so at 5am, I get to call everyone who is not scheduled and try to persuade them to come in on their day off and work.

From personal experience, I know how easy it is to say no at 5am. But I am used to being told no, so it really won't bother me any. Besides, it's not my shift. (See, I am an asshole!)

So, when the day crowd rolls in, and I get to tell them that they have to work short this morning because there is no one in the float pool, and none of their coworkers want to come in and help out, they will inevitably proceed to bite my head off because as the charge nurse, I am supposed to magically pull extra staffing out of my ass.

The only thing that makes this remotely rewarding is that I get to call the Bosshole and wake him up at 5am on a Saturday morning, and tell him that we need him to come in and work because we have no staff.

I don't even need the $2 more an hour to do that. That is something I would do for free.

Friday, February 17, 2006

I'm a bad person.

Is it wrong I still find great amusement in the fact that our VP shot a friend while hunting quail? With friends like that, who needs snipers?

We should send him to Iraq...

Today, the target, I mean, lawyer was released from the hospital looking like someone beat his face with bag of hot quarters. His comment to the press? To apologize to the Vice President.

Am I missing something here? Is he sorry he didn't die? Is he sorry he didn't contribute more to the Republican party?? Is he sorry he is a lawyer??

I remember my brother shooting me with a pellet gun (it hurt like hell), but I don't remember me apologizing to him for it.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Thursday Blather

My mother discovered the gym last month, and she has been gung ho ever since. She turned 51 in January, and claims she's "not going down without a fight"...which is a good attitude to have.

At any rate, she likes to go to the gym when she gets off work, and she likes to drag me with her.

There are two types of people in this world: those who love to work out, and those who despise it. I guess I would put myself in the latter category. Not because I'm a couch slug, but rather because getting dressed and going to a gym to sit on a bike doesn't really appeal to me. I'm more of a get-out-and-go-stuff person. Walking in the park, playing volleyball...I'm all for it.

Mom loves to go to the gym. She says it makes her feel energized after she spends an hour on the treadmill. She's one of those people.

So yesterday, and the day before, I went to the gym with Mom. She likes to spend the majority of her time on the treadmill. I start out on the bike, then do some weights, then finish off on the elliptical machine. I got a little overzealous with the weights, and now my arms are so sore, I can't hardly lift them over my head. I have a friend who has offered to give me a massage for my sore muscles, but whenever we make a plan, paying clients always come before freebies...so there is a downside to having a friend who his a massage therapist. I offered to pay, but he usually refuses.

Today, I am just blathering. It's wet and cold outside. I'm inside in my warm new pajamas that Kant's mom made while I was in Atlanta. Tonight, Mom and some of her coworkers are going to "Girls Night Out"...which roughly translates to Happy Hour somewhere. I have an open invite. Also, Paul was going to call to see if I was needed to go help paint a room. The plans for my Thursday night hinges on if he calls or not.

Paul is known to flake out on me, so it could be safely assumed that I will be serving as my mother's designated driver tonight.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Valentine Carnage!!


Mom and I went to Wally World after she got home from work. I typically try to avoid the Land of Sam during the peak hours of 4pm and 8pm for the sheer fact that everyone else goes there when they get off work. However, not everyone is fortunate to have my schedule, so I am forced to enter into mayhem because my mother works normal hours along with 75% of the Kansas City workforce.

We had to park in Kansas again then hike to the store. Inside, I think everyone who resides in the Northland could be found in the Valentine isles. Cards, chocolates, stuffed animals were flying off the shelves. Mom charged in like she her life depended on it. She had to buy stuff to hand out to some coworkers.

I could say that Valentine's Day sucks, but then I would sound bitter just because I am single and no one is going to lavish me with Russell Stover chocolates and some pink fuzzy gorilla on V-Day. I've never been a huge fan of V-Day, even when I was dating someone.

You should lavish your loved ones on more than just one day a year. My parents will give each other lovey-dovey cards just because. My stepdad has been known to stop his car on the side of the road to pick wildflowers just to take home to my mother. People shouldn't have to be reminded by Hallmark to tell people how much they love and appreciate them on one particular day. And the bastards at Hallmark shouldn't have the power to make anyone feel like a schmuck if they don't give their significant sweetie a card on February 14.

But I hope everyone has a Happy V-Day. I hope that single people don't feel inadequate, and that they don't need to be dating someone to feel validated. I hope everyone remembers to tell their loved ones "I love you" on February 15.

I hope they have the good chocolate marked down on Wednesday.

There's a punchline here somewhere...I just know it!

Dick Cheney goes hunting for birds.

Dick Cheney shoots his hunting partner instead.

His partner also happens to be a lawyer.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Noooooo!!!!!

In an effort to prove to the general masses that all nurses are consumed with their careers, my hospital has a committee for everything. The Uniform Committee, The Hospitality Committee, The Toilet Paper Committee. There is a committee to suit everyone's needs. We not only get the satisfaction of participating in decision making that affects our day-to-day employment, it also looks impressive on our job resumes.

I used to be on the Education Committee for my floor. Then, some crazy nurse took it over and became the Education Committee Gestapo. Collective interest in the education committee subsequently diminished to the point where the Nazi Nurse was running the entire show. She would come in early to offer an inservice on something she really didn't know a lot about, and we would devise ways of sneaking off the unit so she wouldn't catch us.

Another committe popped up, and for the longest time, no one really was interested in joining, myself included. I had a stroke of brilliance and emailed the bosshole...offering myself up for Committee B, if I could be released from the Education Committee. My request was granted, and I was given a new lease on life.

Until I found out that Nazi Nurse also recently signed up for the same committee as well. While my coworkers find great amusement in my misery, I am back to the drawing board, plotting a strategy that will enable me to have little contact with Nazi Nurse if all possible.

This isn't fair, and I feel this is a subtle war tactic from the bosshole. He is trying to show that he can be a bigger asshole than me. Of course, this is an impossible feat, to which all my coworkers will attest.

There can be only one...

Filed Under U for Utterly Stupid

A few snowflakes blew into Kansas City this morning, and rendered the entire city incapacitated. I got out of work this morning and began the slow crawl home.

Some retard, in a very vintage car, thought it would be a grand idea to go off-roading around the 39th street area. If he were to run into anything, his car would be a total loss because no parts in the world exist to repair the car. He was having a big time spinning his wheels and sliding all over the place in a car I am fairly certain I saw on a Waltons episode once. He almost ran into me twice. The second time, I gave him the finger...which was rather difficult considering I was wearing mittens at the time.

Home At Last

I got home Thursday afternoon after a long day of flying. Thursday morning, we got up at the butt-crack of dawn and went through the gauntlet of hell that is Atlanta morning traffic. Hugs and kisses later, I was deposited curbside at the Atlanta airport. I check in, I take the tram to my terminal, I stop by Starbucks for the biggest charged drink I can get my hands on. I got to my gate and settle in my seat when some unruly 3 year old saunters over and takes the straw out of my drink. Dad scoops up the little darling and takes him away...with my straw. I go back to Starbucks and get another straw.

As I am sitting there, I call Paul to make certain his ass is out of bed (because he told me to). He tells me about his uncle's funeral. I'm looking out the window watching all the planes come and go when my plane pulls up to the gate. I gasp. Paul asks me what is wrong and I tell him that I am flying out of Atlanta on a John Denver Airplane. We're talking the smallest commercial plane ever. Paul assures me that I will be fine, but does mention he will pray for my safety.

I board the bus with wings, and my seat is in the very back of the airplane. I lean over and look down the isle, and I can see buttons in the cockpit. The plane is that small.

The lady seated next to me is a Hurricane Katrina Refugee. She tells me about her experience in New Orleans, I understand half of it due to her thick accent. She was on her way to Houston to see the rest of her family who was taken there. She laments that she is now having to start over and get a job. Hurricane Katrina happened 6 months ago, and she is only now starting to seek gainful employment.

We arrive in Houston without incident. I go to the gate my ticket tells me to go to for my connecting flight, but the info on the board reflects another plane. I do a little searching and find the right gate. Much to my dismay, my next flight is on another little aircraft powered by hamsters. I call Paul to make certain his ass is out of bed (it wasn't) and I complain more about flying on the Little Plane That Could.

The flight from Houston to Kansas City passes with little fanfare. I collect my luggage, and no Paul. Ever after two phone calls, he is still late. He calls my cell phone to tell me this, so I wait for him.

After he picks me up, we decide to get something for dinner. Dinner was good. As I am looking through my purse for some chapstick, I come to the horrible realization that I don't have my keys. I pale. Paul asks me what is wrong and I tell him that I think I have left my keys in Georgia. A couple calls to Atlanta confirm this. Fortunately, I have another set at home. Unfortunately, I can't get into the house to get them. I call my mother who comes home an hour later and lets me into the apartment. Kathryn tells me that she will drop my keys in the mail. Paul goes home with a new pair of pajama pants.

So ends my harrowing trip home. Not very exciting, I know. I will probably not fly Continental again, even though they offer better onflight snacks than American.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Coretta Day

Today was Coretta Scott King's funeral and the city of Atlanta came to a standstill right around lunctime.

Thousands attended. It took 4-5 hours for the people to actually make it into the church where the funeral was being held. The funeral itself was almost 6 hours long. Five of those hours it took to get to the eulogy.

The Longest. Funeral. Ever.

I hope they remembered to pack a lunch.

Right about now, the funeral procession is tying up rush hour traffic. Those who had the misfortune of missing the funeral and made the commute to work, should be getting home right around midnight.

I hope they remembered to pack a dinner.

The funeral program was 28 pages long. I know small town phone books that have less pages.

It was broadcasted on television and radio. Now, the news is rehashing the event...so in case you missed it during the day, you can catch up on it at night. For those who missed General Hospital, you will have to wait until 1am to find out what happened with the virus-plague that is terrorizing Port Charles.

Stevie Wonder sang. Ordinarily, I like Stevie Wonder...but he sounded like he was constipated. Poor Stevie Wonder. Did you know that prolonged periods of immobility will cause constipation? If I had to sit through a 6 hour funeral, I probably would be constipated as well.

And what funeral would be complete without Old Fred and his gang showing up to protest. What they were protesting at Coretta's funeral, I don't know. Probably the usual...God Hates Fags, God Hates America, blah, blah, blah.

God Hates Fred.

Someone needs to round up the entire clan beat their collective ass.

So ends Coretta Day.

Heather Goes Deep South

So much for a blogging vacation.

I thought I would be able to get out of blogging while I was here in Hotlanta. As it turns out, Kant's family have a computer, so I thought I would just drop an update on my week for those who care to read it. If you don't care to read it, just click on that "next blog" icon somewhere on this screen.

We made it here to Georgia with little fanfare, unless you count Kant's mom jumping up and down in the driveway when we pulled in. We left before the buttcrack of dawn on Friday. I usually try not to get up before 10am, 9am if I can possibly help it. So, imagine my excitement when I found out I had to be ready to go by 6:30am.

We drove through Missouri to St. Louis. Then, down through Illinois to Kentucky, where we stopped in some little podunk town called Kattawa. While we were there, we went to this restaurant called Patti's, home of the ginormous porkchop. All the workers were wearing pioneer type garb, and everyone had an accent. Our waiter was rather cute, very soft spoken, and an accent that reminded me of another southern boy who tends to tickle my fancy from time to time. Kant and I were trying to figure out a way for him to sit down and read us the menu with his cute little southern accent.

The next day, we drove through Nashville. Yee-haw. We drove throught the moutains of Tennessee, where a semi damn near ran us off the road. Bastard. We drove through northern Georgia, then ended up in Sugar Hill, Georgia. Home of more subdivisions than you can shake a stick at. Kant and I pondered for a moment the fact that we were now in a Confederate State. Did that mean she was a Yankee transplant? I didn't think so...Missouri was a buffer state, and could therefore go either way.

Since being here, I have been to church with Kant's family, which was a nice experience for Southern hospitality is no myth. I went to the Outlet mall with Kant. We went to this totally awesome store called Ikea. Really cheap home furnishings. However, the store is set up in such a manner that you can't find anything. I think I will just buy online from them from now on. If I do manage to go to another store in my lifetime, remind me to wear more comfortable shoes.

Everything you have ever heard about the traffic in Atlanta is true. All traffic, all the time. Yesterday, it snowed (so apparently I didn't escape crappy weather). It only snowed in the morning, huge flakes the size of golf balls. It snowed for about a minute, then it just rained for the rest of the day. Georgians drive crazy, even in the rain.

Did I mention I'm terrified of being in a car in the rain, particularly the passenger? Anyway, we had to go through downtown Atlanta to go to the Ikea store, and I was in the backseat...curled up into the fetal position and sucking my thumb. That has no reflection on the driver...I'm just that scared of riding in the rain.

So, I have been spending money here and there. I've been trying to buy mostly stuff I won't find in KC. Because I have seemingly bought too much stuff already, I am going to ship it home via UPS. I'll get my box, and it will be like Christmas all over again.

This is my Georgia adventure thus far. Today, we are going to some touristy place. I'm hoping to find boiled peanuts there. Schools are letting out early for Coretta Scott King's funeral...but somehow I don't think most of the students will be attending. King's passing and subsequent passing-activities are a really big thing down here right now because all these famous people and politicians are in town. I think everyone is all in a lather because Oprah is here.

So now I go and do other stuff. I hope everyone is having a great week.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

A Weeklong Hiatus

I won't be blogging for the next week as I am going with Kant as she makes her big move to Hotlanta, I mean, Atlanta. I come home in a week, and hopefully, the cold weather that the gay weatherman keeps telling us about will have passed.

I might actually even score some boiled peanuts while I am there...

If it looks, smells, and acts like a date...it was one.

The Kansas City Star ran a long series on being single in Kansas City. It pointed out what all singles in Kansas City have known all along...

Being single in Kansas City sucks ass.

Thank you, Captain of the Obvious!

I'm peaking over into the land of 31, and most of my peers are either: married, been married, or are getting married. On my floor, most of the nurses are now getting engaged...not to mention they are at least 5 years younger than me. I used to have this mental countdown: married by 27, kids by 30. Right at the time I graduated from nursing school, I pretty much said "screw it" to the pressure of getting married. I now had a solid job, with a good income, and I really only needed a man around the house to mow the lawn and take out the trash.

Being LDS, I know more than my share of women who were chomping at the bit to get married. It's the Mormon way! I remember one girl commenting that she would rather be dead than 35 and not married. I remember that many a young girl held the following sentiments:

"Why should I go to school and get an education when I am just going to stay home and raise kids?"

"Why should I buy a house when my husband will do that?"

"I'm not going to do any travelling because that is something I will do when I get married."

It pretty much boiled down to this: they refused to get out and live life until that gold band was on their finger. Now, I'm not a feminist by any means, but even that is enough to make me want to go burn my bra (and given my proportions, I would be fined for having a bonfire within city limits).

But I digress...

Any single person with a brain will tell you that the dating scene in KC is rough...unless you want to drop your standards and settle for a high school dropout who is missing half his teeth, has poor hygiene, wears a mullet, and has a Dale Earnhardt shrine.

After quite a few bad experiences with dating, it is safe to say I have become quite selective. So, when I do go out on a date, rest assured that the guy I am with is of somewhat exceptional nature, in my opinion.

Take Tuesday for example.

I went out with this guy I've had a slight crush on for a while. The day was a raincheck for him flaking out on my last week due to some gastric ailment that was making it's rounds. At any rate, we've been talking on the on the phone on a pretty regular basis, almost daily. We've gone out together for different events and whatnot. Nothing physical has happened, and no DTR (define the relationship).

So, he comes to my house. He has no idea how to get anywhere north of the river, so I drive. We go to this place, we go to dinner (he pays), then we go here for some fun and games (he pays). We go back to my house where I get a hug and he goes home...it's now 6pm. The evening started more around 1pm....which could quite possibly be the earliest date I have on record.

After giving it a lot of thought, I ask him the next day what to call our adventure...

Me: Was it a date?
Him: ...Not sure...what do you think?
Me: (totally chickening out)...I dunno...
Him: How about an outing?
Me: An outing?
Him: Yes, I'm still trying to get over the whole "not dating from work thing" (yes, we work together. It's a big hospital...so shut it)
Me: ...an outing...
Him: Some habits die hard...
Me: (thinking) What in the hell does that mean?

(If there is a guy out there who can translate this conversation for me, I'm all ears...)

I discussed this with Kant further and she thought the outing explanation was bunk. "Sounds like a date to me." I agreed. So, when I talk to him next, I'm going to tell him that we went on a date...and he can take that, put it in his pipe, and smoke it. If he concedes it was a date, then he will have gotten past his "dating from work" issues. See how easy that was! Quick, painless, and no blood was shed.

I've liked guys in the past who have given me the blowoff with such self esteem boosters like: "I thought you liked me, but then I thought you got better" and "I'm looking for the full meal deal, not just the chicken nuggets" and "I think of you more as my little buddy".

Funny how the same guys who told me this years ago, are now knocking at my door wanting a second chance, inviting me to go to swingers clubs and stuff.

So, it is safe to say that I am a bit gun-shy when it comes to dating and the opposite sex. Not to mention the cards are stacked against me because I am:
a) single
b) over 30
c) Mormon.

In conclusion, dating sucks in Kansas City. You married people just don't know how easy you have it. You think we get to have all the fun...but we still have to take out our own garbage.

Tis the Season of the WWE

It's that time of year again, for the Well Woman Exam. It sounds nice and aesthetically pleasing, doesn't it? The Well Woman Exam? It conjures up images of flowers and ads for feminine hygiene products.

It's probably called that because "We're Going to Split You in Half and Make You Beg for a Sex Change" is somewhat of a frightening name and might discourage countless women from going to see the doctor. Not to mention, I'm sure the folks in medical billing would have a problem trying to code it.

Today was my lucky day. I loathe this day...but not as much as I loathe going to see the eye doctor. But the hate is still there nonetheless.

I got to the office, and wait in the waiting room, which is decorated with a bunch of multicolored leaves. I am finally called back to the exam room where they weigh me (lost 7 lbs...yay!), tell me to strip down in my birthday suit...but I can keep my socks on. Oh, thank goodness for socks!! As if wearing my socks will make me forget that everything else is exposed to Mother Earth.

The nurse practitioner comes in and we blather about this and that...anything I can think of to put off the inevitable. Finally, she is wise to my antics and orders me onto the table. I get the obligatory breast exam.

Yup, they are still there.

She then pulls out the stirrups and her little nurse helper comes in. I slide down the table and place my sock-clad feet into the stirrups, rendering myself in a very vulnerable position. I suddenly wish there was something on the ceiling I could look at, besides little dots.

Then, the NP pulls out the speculum. My blood runs cold and my thighs clamp shut with the force of an F5 tornado.

For those of you who have not had the good fortune of meeting a speculum, it's sort of like the Jaws of Life...for your vagina. My doc used to carry the metal ones. Now they just have the plastic. Why is this important? Well, remember back in the day of junior high science class?? Remember how metal conducts heat?? Plastic...not so much. Even though they keep these small torture devices in a warming drawer, they chill within seconds of pulling them out of the warming drawer. With this cold object, the NP puts it where cold objects are not meant to go...

A few minutes after peeling me off the ceiling, they are able to continue the exam.

The NP then turns the knob that causes it to spread. Three clicks and I'm fairly certain I've been spread wide enough to park a Pinto. Then, then NP takes this wooden stick (which looks like a boat oar from where I'm sitting) and scrapes. She warns me, "You might feel a cramp..."

After peeling me off the ceiling for a second time, they are able to continue.

The speculum comes out with little fanfare, then the NP announces that she is going to check my ovaries. Now, there is really only one way to get to the ovaries without making an incision into my pelvis.

And that is all I am going to say about that...

After everything is said and done...my eyes become uncrossed and my blood pressure goes back down, the NP tells me to have a nice day. I don't see how my day could get much worse.

Men are so lucky. They don't have to go through anything like this. They don't have to have mamograms, they don't have to do Well Man Exams. If they had to go through what we go through, rest assured that they would come up with a wand or something the could just wave over your pelvic region. Bleep...normal. Bleep...you have genital warts. Bleep...you have chlamydia. There would be no need for the speculum.

And men wonder why women are so bitchy all the time.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

*Diversity in blogging...

I try to be as diverse as I can. To prove it, I have set up my blog for all the bone-diggity gangstas out there.

Check it out!

*This blog brought to you by Gizoogle!

Monday, January 30, 2006

Twenty years ago...

I can't believe it has been 20 years since the Challenger exploded. I used to remember thinking what it would be like to say that I remembered when something had happened, and no one else would.

That day has come. I'm officially old.

I was at work when I read a news blurb about it. I asked the other nurses what they were doing when they heard the Challenger blew up. I was mostly met with blank stares as if I had just asked them to explain the molecular makeup for Crisco. It never occurred to me that these people wouldn't know...but they were around 3-4 years old when it happened, so they wouldn't know. Most of these people never knew what Madonna was like at the beginning of her career, they have always known a world of technology, they don't remember when Michael Jackson was black, and they certainly didn't have the pleasure of experieneing New Coke.

Sheesh, I remember what life was like before microwave ovens .

Each generation has that one big thing they will remember. My grandparent's will remember Pearl Harbor. My mother's generation will never forget the day Kennedy was shot. My generation has the Challenger. The next generation (and pretty everyone else who was breathing that day), will have September 11. What will be the event that my posterity will always remember.

Given the current state of the world today, there should be plenty to choose from.

Anyway, I remember the day that Challenger fell from the sky. I was in the 5th grade. I was wearing a Royals baseball hat. We had just finished a school assembly of some band presentation when our principle announced that the Challenger blew up. Not too many students understood the gravity of it, but what did resonate was that there was a teacher on board, and she died. That could have been one of our teachers.

After the assembly, everyone quietly went back to their homerooms. Then, we resumed our lessons. The news that evening would reply the incident over and over and over. I will remember what that looked like. I will remember Christa McAuliffe walking out with the other astronauts in her blue suit, waving as she did so.

And to think, that was 20 years ago.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

@$#%^!@!!!!


To think, if I had not cancelled...I would be sitting on this ship tomorrow. Sun on my head, frou-frou drink in one hand, sitting in a chair by the pool, listing to a band whip out Caribbean-sounding tunes, and maybe judging a hairy chest contest.

But Nooooooooooooooo, I cancelled. Now, I must sit at home, and only wish I was on that ship.

This sucks ass.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Million Little Pieces of Oprah

Oprah apologized today to all the bored housewives everywhere about James Frey's bullshit memoir book, "Million Little Pieces" . I'm sure even the people in China have heard the story. Frey writes this book about his addiction and all the bad things that happened to him, painting a picture (apparently using very broad strokes) of him not only a drug and alcohol addict, but a badass as well. Oprah endorses the book for her Book of the Month Cult, er, club...and the book becomes a best seller. The Smoking Gun does some research that discovers that a lot of events in the book that Frey describes is grossly exaggerated, or fabricated entirely.

It is safe to say, people are pissed.

Frey simply could have avoided this mess had he claimed his book as fiction, loosely based on certain events in his life. I think the general public would have accepted this. Lots of good writers create good works based on experiences in their own life. You write best about what you know.

At one point, the only people who would stand up for Frey were his really strange and seemingly psychotic mother, and Oprah. I still feel sorry for Larry King.

Oprah has now back-pedaled on her support, and issued Frey a finger wagging. I don't really think she is that sorry. I think what prompted this was the angry letters from her Bored Housewives Club. Her endorsement of Frey after the truth came to light was the same as saying that the truth doesn't really matter at all.

Way to be a pillar of light, Oprah Winfrey.

No, I really think she is sorry because in the end, the bottom line comes down to ratings and money. I don't think she cares two shits whether Frey lied in his book or not. I think she cares more that this experience left her with egg on her face. Whatever. I still don't like her. I still think that one celebrity having that much influence is a very bad thing.

It is safe to say that if/when I publish my own book, I will not be nominated for her little cult, I mean, club. That's fine with me.

I like Ellen better anyway.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

You've got a friend in(side) me!

I have strange friends.

This is not news to me. I've made this observation many a time...usually when one of my friends does something unusual. I'm not talking about Kant. She's one of the most normal friends I have...and she has three kidneys.

So, last night I go and visit a friend I have not seen in a while. I haven't seen him in a while primarily because the last time I talked to him, he wanted to have sex with me, or rather, "fun with no strings". I've been propositioned before, but in his case, he promised he would take me out for a Q'doba burrito afterwards because he had a coupon.

I don't like Q'doba...but I do like strings, so I declined.

At any rate, that was last fall, and after explaining to my friend that I'm more a long-term relationship kind of person...I thought the air was cleared between us. After all, I've known him for a long, long time.

So, we hang out. He begins asking me questions about intimacy. Just general questions. I'm okay to answer such questions because he is peeking into the land of 40 years old, and only been with one woman. There's a lot he doesn't know, and I feel like I am helping out not only him, but the woman he does end up marrying.

We watch some episodes of The Sopranos because I don't usually watch it, and it was something to do. Then, he starts stopping every scene that shows a naked breast (because you can do that with DVR). Then he laments about how he loves boobs. I cast a glare in his direction and he resumes the show.

And then asks me if I would like to go to this place with him sometime. In case you don't want to click on the link...it's Kansas City swingers club. Now, I have heard that KC has a large subculture of this sort of thing...but I have never known anyone who has actually witnessed these events firsthand...until now.

My dear friend begins to tell me that he went to one once with another friend. Lots of nakedness, lots of dancing...and a really great buffet. Apparently, the hanky-panky goes on later behind closed doors. Single men cannot attend events unless they are part of a couple...but single women can go stag. Oh yes, and married couples.

It all makes me want to barf.

I know another person who insists that when he finds that sweet little someone to marry, it will be an open marriage. Who wants to eat the same flavor of ice cream every night for the rest of your life? I've heard about some people at work who are into this lifestyle...and it still blows my mind. I cannot fathom being in that situation.

I don't consider myself a jealous person, but if I saw my husband shagging another woman...I've have to go rip his nuts off, then I would and string said woman up by her girly parts on a billboard somewhere off Highway 71...right by that restaurant that used to be called "Git Yo Chicken".

So, now I have an open invite to infiltrate the alternative lifestyle community of Cowtown with a near and dear friend. Lucky me. He said that sex wouldn't have to be part of the equation (somehow I don't think people go to these events to share recipes for fondue), but did elaborate that the last time he went, his date and him fooled around a little when they got back to his house. But hey...no pressure!!

Now, I am going to go shower now...because I feel really, really gross. I shall wash, but shant ever be clean.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

My Eyes Adore You

Ever since my car accident, I have had to go see a retina specialist at least once a year. This is much better because before, I had to go and see him at least twice a week.

I'd rather have a root canal than go see the retina specialist...even if he is ridiculously hot.

Yesterday morning, I went straight to the office right after work. I was the youngest person in the office. All the older patients in there looked at me as if I had a third arm growing out of my head. After a night at work, I feel like I have something growing somewhere...usually on my shoes from something I may have stepped in. I'm in wrinkled scrubs, dark circles under my eyes, and a perpetual scowl on my face.

After waiting, and waiting, my name is finally called. I am taken back to a dark room where the assistant puts these eye drops that smell like moldy socks in my eyes. I do the obligatory eye exam and she tells me that my vision has changed...big shocker there. Then, she takes me to a different waiting room where there are 4 television sets playing some sort of video explaining all the fun ailments for vision. You could be losing your eyesight because of this...or this...or this. Also, there are magazines everywhere. I always found the irony in the fact that there are magazines in a waiting room where everyone's eyes are dilated, rendering everyone illiterate. One lady in the waiting room is telling some stranger about how she had cancer...twice.

"Wow", remarks the stranger, "I bet going through that sort of makes one reassess life and adopt a different way of living."

"Nope" the old lady replies.

Intrigued by this conversation, I immediately fall asleep in one of the chairs.

The next thing I know, my retina specialist is tapping me on the shoulder and beckoning me to another exam room. Grounds for waking me up from a nap is usually immediate death, but I spare him because he is ridiculously hot. "You look like hell" he observes.

Now, here comes the part I loathe and despise about these visits...

Dr. Hottie has me sit in something that looks like a dentist's chair. The room is dark, I am now in a reclined position with my feet in the air. The only thing missing is mood music.

Dr. Hottie reaches in his pocket and pulls out a little box. Inside the box, he pulls out a little prism.

My blood turns cold.

He then switches on his little eye-doctor-penlight which is 10 times stronger than a Maglite.

Beads of sweat start forming on my head. If I had balls, I'm sure I would be sweating there also.

Dr. Hottie then gently places one hand on my head and slides it back as if stroking my hair. I feel pressure because he is now holding my head in place. There is no escape for me now.

The other hand pries one of left eye open. I should be grateful. He used to use an evil metal tool to do this.

He shines his little light into the prism, which focuses it's magnified blinding bright light right into my eyes.

In case I forgot to mention, my eyes are very sensitive to bright light.

So, while I am squirming and convulsing in the chair, Dr. Hottie shines his light around, peering through my eyes into the back of my head. Even I can see my own blood vessels. To make things worse, he commands me to look at the the light here, here, here and here. As a distraction, he tries to ask me questions about my job. It's hard to answer because I'm in extreme pain.

After torturing me, Dr. Hottie writes me a script for a new set of glasses because of my ever-changing vision. We chat while I try to get accustomed to seeing again. Dr. Hottie is not only ridiculously hot, he is also insanely smart...and if he wasn't married, I'd be all over that like a fat kid on a cupcake.

After my visit, I am unleashed upon the world...eyes fully dilated. Did I mention I drove?? It doesn't matter...as long as I don't have to read anything, I do okay. Fortunately, the sun wasn't out, and I had dark glasses on.

I'm certain I looked like a dork. But this is my experience, so shut your piehole.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Utah Mormon...Redux

A new one to add to the criteria for Utah Mormons...

-> If you think the sky in Utah is more blue than anywhere else because God would never curse Salt Lake with smog...Utah Mormon.

Has anyone checked out the brown funk that hovers over Salt Lake City lately? Apparently, God was taking a vacation from blessing Zion during the week I was there.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Second Ever Ray Nagin Dumbass Award

A while back I thought of the Ray Nagin Dumbass Award...specifically for people in the public eye who were, well, dumb. I never thought the first award I would give in his honor, would be to him.

Ray Nagin, you are still a dumbass.

Today is Martin Luther the King Day. Various businesses are closed, some are not. Some kids have no school, some do. I think it is all a matter of preference. If you prefer to have the day off to "observe" this day, I don't think anyone would kick up a fuss about it because it is politically incorrect to do so today. I think I got holiday pay for working, but I'm not sure, and even more so...I don't care. MLK was a great man, but I don't think he is honored in a way he should be. Maybe the best way to honor him is to remember him, what he did, and realize that he made a valuable contribution.

Out of everyone who has or took the day off, how many of them stopped to ponder the man's life, it's meaning, and how he made his mark on the world. No, I think it would be safe to say that majority who have this day off, just value it as a day they don't have to go to work or school.

Just like President's Day. Or Veteran's Day. Or Labor Day.

At any rate, on MLK, a lot of people invoke the name. Ray Nagin is no exception. I figured he would use the day to grandstand for the toilet bowl that is now New Orleans, and I wasn't disappointed. Ray Nagin, because not only is he a smart man, he is also a spiritually enlightened man who apparently received revalation that God wants the new New Orleans to be a predominantly black city.

So, all you non-African-American NOLA-ites...you should start looking for another place to live because God expects you to. If you don't move...He will surely smite you down, or turn you into a pot of gumbo or something.

Ray Nagin, you are still a dumbass. I initially thought it was just a fluke thing, now I see it is a permanent condition, and there is really no hope for you. I think it is crappy to say something like that, and somehow tie it in to the most recognized Civil Rights leader.

So here's to you...the proud recipient of your own damn award...because right now I still can't think of someone who deserves it more than you.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

You Might Be a Utah Mormon if...

With my previous post touching briefly on Utah Mormons, some people might have wondered "But Heather, am I a Utah Mormon??" After giving it much thought and deliberation, I have compiled a few guidelines to help you distinguish if you are in need of professional help (and I swear, each one of these have happened to people I know).

If you answer yes to one, you are teetering on the line.

Two or more, you are doomed.

-> If you ever called a childless couple for the "Monthly Period Report" because you think that being married without children is an abomination...Utah Mormon.

-> If you ever thought that the Salt Lake Temple had wheels because it was going to be rolled to Indpendence, Missouri at the Second Coming...Utah Mormon.

-> If you would never socialize with someone because they are a nonmember...Utah Mormon.

-> If you don't want your toddler-aged children associating with nonmember toddler-aged children because you think they will become tainted...Utah Mormon.

-> If you ever put the names of your single relatives in a temple prayer book so someone can pray for them to get married...Utah Mormon.

-> If you ever travelled outside of Utah and prefaced every sentence with "Well, back in Utah..." Utah Mormon

-> If you have an Osmond shrine in your house, but are not directly related to them...Utah Mormon.

-> If you ever were shocked and appalled that a woman wore pants to church on Sunday...Utah Mormon.

-> If you ever eloped in Vegas on a Friday, and had it annulled on a Monday so you could have an interesting weekend...Utah Mormon.

-> If your name can be found on this site...Utah Mormon.

-> If you ever told a nonmember that they were going to go to hell and you would pray for their baptism...Utah Mormon (and you are lucky you didn't get your ass kicked!)

-> If you think it is a mortal sin to be over 30 and still single...Utah Mormon.

-> If you cried when Steve Young got married to, gasp, a convert...Utah Mormon.

-> If you feel sorry for a Mormon because they don't live in Utah and you pray for their safety...Utah Mormon.

So, this is my public service for the month of January.

Now, I am going to go eat a jello cup and then go to bed.

Another Reason to Like Having the Weekdays Off

Kant and I decided to go have dinner tonight. We were both starving. We set out in search of red meat like hunters scoping out their prey.

Four restaurants later, and twenty-five miles later, we finally found a place who would seat us in 30 minutes.

When you are wasting away, who wants to wait an hour just to be seated?

No one goes out to eat during the week.

Immediate seating.

Yay!

Thursday, January 12, 2006

My dog, the alcoholic.


Since Mom has been staying with me, she has found a sense of purpose. Her purpose: to find the most perfect margarita that Kansas City has to offer. She's praised the Lobsterita at Red Lobster as you get a keepsake strand of beads with a lobster on the end to remember the occasion by. She rejoiced in the fact that margaritas now come in single serving bottles for your take-home pleasure. She's had margaritas here, and margaritas there. She can tell you if it is a good margarita, or a subpar margarita.

It is safe to say that my Mom loves the margarita. With this, she has found a kindred spirit in Paul, who also loves the margarita. Heaven help me if they decide to get together for Margarita Night...because guess who gets to drive.

I personally think that margaritas taste like ass...but who am I to deprive someone else of their guilty pleasure.

She recently discovered with much delight that I had a blender of my own (which is amusing because it has been sitting out in plain view since she started staying with me), and has now taken to making her own little frozen margarita after work when the day has been a little too rough.

She has a lot of rough days.

She has also recently discovered that my dog, Sam, also loves the margarita. With such a discovery comes the awesome realization that by enjoying the margarita with Sam, she is not drinking alone. Sam is now her drinking buddy.

She didn't give him a whole one (not yet), but put a blob in a little bowl for him. I witnessed the exchange. I witnessed as Sam licked the bowl clean, picked the bowl up in his mouth and dropped it at my mother's feet with that look that asked, "Got anymore??"

My dog is a lush.

So, we will see where this goes. I had read somewhere that once a dog gets schnockered on something, the dog will never drink it again. But Sam is no ordinary dog. He is a mutant dog of the devil. He eats cat turds, so it is safe to say he has no discerning taste.

Do they have AA for pets?

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

My 100th post...and 10 Year Anniversary Stuff

I'm not married. The 10 year Anniversary thing is for Kathryn's kidney transplant. Ten years of free-flowing urine as a result of a medical miracle. Yay! We shall celebrate this monumental occasion by spending a week somewhere, celebrating.

The original thought was that we would all rent a house in Hitlon Head. It averaged to about $400 per person...but that didn't include food, and any activities outside the house. There's only so many card games you can play in one week.

Now, it looks like the tribe is leaning towards a cruise. I love cruises. They are the best fun. For just a little bit more moolah, you can spend a week on a cruise ship somewhere in the Caribbean, food included (not to mention having it prepared and served to you). Plus fun and games poolside on Lido deck.

We have a year plus to prepare. Here is the blog. And off we go!!

(Oh yeah...YAY for the 100th post! I really need to get a hobby or something...)

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Mormons and Backdoor Mountain

Okay, so the movie is really called "Brokeback Mountain"...a movie about two gay cowboys. Yee-haw. It's acclaimed, it's provocative, it's controversial, it's touching, and it's poised to win a shit-ton of Academy awards this spring. A movie about two gay cowboys in plaid shirts. This is what American cinema has come to.

I just read that a theater, owned by the same guy who owns the Utah Jazz, pulled the movie and will not show it. If memory serves, this really isn't the first time those hardlining little Pewtah Mormons have fiddled with movies. I'm sure they have refused to show plenty other movies due a conflict of ideals, but the one incident that comes to mind was the Titanic. One theater went so far as to cut the love scene (by far the lamest, tamest love scene I've ever seen in a movie). Thereby saving people from the horror of seeing Leonardo DiCaprio's bare chest, and that "I'll Never Let Go" chick's sweaty hand on the window of a car.

There are two types of Mormons. There's Mormons, and there is UTAH Mormons. Nonmembers usually can't make the distinction, which sort of sucks because when the Utah Mormons behave badly, it reflects poorly on the church as a whole. Then, the other Mormons (who are not Utah Mormons) have to work twice as hard to make up for whatever retarded thing the Utah Mormons did in the first place. I do feel the need to add a disclaimer that not ever Mormon who lives in Utah is a Utah Mormon. There are normal Mormons in Utah...and they have my heartfelt sympathy (that means you, Pengalin!).

But I am not here to discuss Utah Mormons. Instead, I am here to talk about a movie. The previous paragraph was only meant to sort of illustrate that Utah Mormons are very, very zealous.

You see, in my church, free agency is a very important thing. We have our free agency so we can make choices...and with the tools we are given in church (teachings, scriptures, divine intervention of the Holy Spirit), the hope is that we will make the right choice. That way, when we all die and go to our appropriate place, we will have gotten there on our own steam, and not because someone made those choices for us.

Sort of like cheating your way through college. Sure, you get a degree in the end, but you really didn't earn it on your own...and you probably didn't learn a great deal in time you were there.

Which is how I look at things like the "Bareback Mountain Movie Debacle of Salt Lake". I think they should at least offer the movie, give everyone the choice of whether they want to go see it. I don't think I will go see it. Not because the whole gay-thing is an affront to my religious beliefs, but rather a movie about gay cowboys doesn't appeal to me. Cowboy movies in general don't appeal to me at all. BUT...at least I have the free agency to decide whether to go or not.

Just because you offer someone the option of doing something, doesn't necessarily mean they will chose to do it. This, is what free-agency is all about.

My best friend, Kathryn, doesn't go see rated-R movies. That is her choice. There's lots of movies out there, good ones, that she hasn't seen because of that rating. That might be ridiculous to some, but that is the choice that she has made. The important thing is that she made that choice, and no one made it for her.

It's the choices we make that test our inner mettle. If our free agency is stripped from us, how are we really to know what our true potential is?

So, here is to the mental giants of Pewtah...who have not only once again taken away the free agency of your residents, but also generated more free publicity for an overhyped gay cowboy movie.

Cowboy movies suck.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

All is Forgiven

After my bad movie experience with The Producers, I was somewhat skeptical of trusting the movie selections of my friends, even after their profuse apologies. The Producers was that bad. So, imagine my hesitation when Kathryn suggested another movie, Memoirs of a Geisha. I wasn't doing anything else last night, so I agreed to go.

I'm glad I went. A very good movie, with very beautiful colors, costumes and sets. I have a personal love for all things Japanese...so much that I spent a year learning the language (most of which I have forgotten due to non-use). Sure, I can understand a word here and there, but not enough to carry on a conversation. However, in the event of an emergency, I am able to ask you what you like to eat, and if you like to drive a car.

In conclusion, Memoirs of a Geisha gets two thumbs up and a flaming onion volcano for being so good. I have also deemed it DVD worthy for my collection. I recommend that everyone should see this movie.

It makes up for the horrible, horrible thing that was The Producers.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

And I'll have a pizza to go with my fortune cookie.

Mom and I went to Ghengis Khan for dinner. For those of you who don't know, this is a Mongolian-style restaurant (which is Asian for you geographically/culturally-hindered readers). It's like having fresh stir fry that you make yourself (except the little Hispanic workers fry it up for you on a huge metal plate with big wooden paddles that look like boat oars).

While we were sitting in our booth, a man, woman and baby were seated next to us. They looked over the menu while the baby cooed and slobbered in his carrier. The waiter came to take their order when man asked (and I shit you not)...

"Got any nachos?"

I can see the light!

Tonight...my last night of the week, then off for six days. Six glorious days of lounging around in my pajamas. No sick patients, no blood, no questions. Just me and my warm, snuggly bed...which is the only thing that is getting me through tonight.

Yes, and I will also start going to the gym as well, thereby beginning one of my resolutions.

And I have to do more laundry. There is happiness in clean underwear.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

The New Night Shift Book Club

Move over, Oprah!

In my absence from work last night, the other nurses had an epiphany of brillance. Since we all like to read books for leisure, and we usually end up passing books around...why not have our own book club? This is the best idea I've heard in a while, and I am very excited.

Yeah, I'm a nerd. So, shut it.

Each month, a book will be selected. After we have all read it, we will get together for food, fun and festivities...and discuss the book. February's book will have something to do with love. As much as "February" and "love" make me want to barf right now, I'm still excited about the book club.

I was off last night, and went out with mom to dinner, then for a little shopping. I go back tonight. Hopefully, it won't suck. The last time I worked, a 400lb patient managed to fall out of bed, requiring 8 staff members to hoist said patient back into bed...and squishing one nurse in the process as she lost her balance and fell into the bed just as the patient was being lowered onto the bed...thereby having the 400lb patient laying on top of a nurse who maybe weighed 140lbs.

You do the math.

Sometimes, I think we deserve some sort of raise in pay. Hazard pay.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Happy New Year!

The New Year's Eve festivities went off as planned last night. Dinner at The Melting Pot was great. We had a great waiter, the food was great, the company was great. We all had a collective stroke when the final bill was presented.

However, the movie we saw after dinner sucked ass.

We went and saw The Producers. I had heard that it was good Broadway show. I had also heard they turned it into a movie with the same actors that was on the Broadway show. I had heard it was funny. Despite my reservations of sitting in a movie theater when the clock struck midnight, I agreed to go. It was a funny movie, or so I was promised.

No. It sucked. It was almost as bad as Ishtar. If you ever listen to any piece of advice I offer on this blog, listen to this...don't go see The Producers. I'm sure this show is great live. One of the things I found annoying was that the acting was a little over the top as it usually is in theater because in theater, you can't see the facial expressions of the actors, and so you have to go a lot on body language. I like a lot of movies, this one doesn't count.

Two and a half hours of my life I will never have back.

After the movie, we drove through the Plaza to get home. On the way, we saw many a merry folk...some a little too merry. In one instance, a guy decided to carry a girl in a very revealing dress on his back. Five steps later, they toppled over onto the sidewalk. Their friend, meanwhile, staggered over to a taxi waiting at a stoplight (who already had a fare inside) and blurted, "Can we have a ride??" The taxi just sped away. We cheered.

Drunk people look really, really stupid. We laughed at all of them. Maybe if people realized how stupid they looked, they wouldn't drink so much.

The cops were out in full force. Cars pulled over right and left. I would be curious to how many drunk-driving arrests were made last night. One might think there would be sobriety check-points peppered throughout the city. Turns out, there were none. Instead, the police just decided patrolling would be better.

Other than the movie, it was a great night.

I'm glad 2005 is long gone. I'm looking forward to a new year. Happy New Year, everyone!!

Saturday, December 31, 2005

End of the Year Blathering

Here we are on the cusp of 2006, and I am sitting here in my pajamas, and it is noon. I was up late last night...so I deserve the right to sleep in if I want.

Tonight, we are going out to the Melting Pot for fondue and friendship, and paying way too much money for it. Oh well. New Year's Eve only comes around once a year, and I think that this is the first time I am actually doing something other than going to some lame church dance and watching two girls do their best Britney Spears impersonation...seriously, because they think she's, like, cool and stuff.

I usually don't make resolutions because I never keep them anyway. I thought I would try again this time around. I can keep a tally of them on my blog, and we can see where I am at this time next year.

So, here we go...

1. To take better care of myself. I have a gym membership that I haven't been using...which is pretty much the equivalent of going to the bathroom and flushing $30 down the toilet. Besides, if I exercised more, I wouldn't be so tired. Eating better is also included. Mom is joining me in this, so it's a win-win situation. She's actually more excited about this resolution than I am. I'll get the Garden Veggie Soup ready.

2. To buy a house. I've been looking online. In the early spring, I will actually go to open houses. The lease is up in the shithole I live in, so then is the perfect time to buy. Renting sucks.

3. To pay off everything (except the car). I have a small bunch of little piddly bills to pay off. Better credit score = better home loan rate.

4. To learn to knit. Everyone is making fun, cute furry scarves except me. There's more to life than crochet.

5. To book a big fat vacation for 2007. And from the looks of things right now, I will be booking two of them.

Yeah...that's about it. Not very exciting, I know. I suppose I could add "buy a sex swing" as one of them to spice things up a bit, but that's really not a goal of mine.

Besides, where would I hang it?

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Nurse Follies: A Letter to a Pothead

Dear Pothead,

When I said I would brandish a fire extinguisher if I found anything on fire on my floor, and I would use said fire extinguisher...I meant it. Even if the fire in question was at the end of whatever you happened to be smoking at the time. I was also serious when I said I would call the hospital po-po to come and write you a big fat ticket for smoking. Federal law, dumbass.

They would not only write you a ticket for lighting up in your bathroom, they would also run your name, and I am fairly confident they would find you had an outstanding warrant. From the hospital, you would go to directly to jail...do not pass go and collect the $200 you would need to pay the fine for smoking in the hospital.

You're ugly spouse is also annoying. Just because we work for the same employer doesn't mean I am going to cut you a break and allow you to blow us a new skylight in the hospital. I'm still beside myself that she even asked. I should have told the other nurses so they could all come into the room and read you and Uglyspouse the riot act. Why should I get to have all the fun?

Yes, I made you sign the AMA form so you could leave the floor to go smoke. I told you that it was a bad idea, the docs told you it was a bad idea. If you go off to parts unknown to spark a doobie and you manage to fall over dead, I don't particularly care to go to the board of nursing and defend my license. The AMA form protects us and our livelihood from idiots like you.

So yes, I may be an asshole, but I am not a bad nurse. You can piss away your health, and your life all you want...but do it on your own time, and not on my floor.

Hope you get to feeling better soon.

Sincerely,
Your Nurse