Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Floating My Own Boat

When I was a kid, my father acquired a boat. It had a big hole in the hull, didn't have a working motor, and the inside was a mess. It needed new seats, new interior. My father, who could fix just about anything, said he would get the boat running again.

So, he patched the hole because he could work with fiberglass. Then, he found an outboard and tinkered with that until he got it to run. Years this project took, and everyone thought that this boat would see a return to it's glory days from the obvious progress being made. Everyone was excited.

For whatever reasons, Dad stopped working on it, and the boat never saw water again. I guess sometimes you get so tired of trying to fix something, you simply give up.

My life is a lot like that boat.

I've had a long string of relationships that didn't work out. In the beginning, I was easily a pushover, and my feelings got hurt quite a bit because I allowed it to happen. Somewhere along the way, I decided to stop being the victim...and yet I still get hurt.

A wise man once said that love isn't something we slip and fall into, but it is a choice we make, conscious or not. At some point in everyone's life, you actually decide it is okay to have feelings for someone. That's it's okay to let your guard down. That it's okay to exhale.

Why do I insist on loving people who don't reciprocate my feelings? Why do I cultivate those strong feelings when deep down I know I'm going to be hurt in the end? Why do I allow myself to become so jaded by these experiences even though I've known what the outcome was going to be?

Introspection sucks.

I know why. I've known the answer all along. It's much easier to fall for someone that is unavailable to you (physically, emotionally, etc), because to love from afar, means you don't actually have to work at a relationship. Relationships are hard, but it's easy to stand on the sidelines and fantacize about things, make excuses. In fact, the idea of being married scares the hell out of me. Having children sounds like some terrifying gamble. Sad thing is, I thought I may have finally met someone I'd was willing to take that chance with.

But no more.

That boat has sailed.


Spyder said...

Hey Heather, Relationships do require work. But once you find the right relationship you don't mind the work so much. The key is if you're doing all the work,and it's sucking. Then kick it to the curb. Don't waste time on relationships than aren't going anywhere. I've had A LOT of heartbreak in my single days. And I was a pushover too. There's more than one boat out there.

meesha.v said...

Hi Heather,
I've been reading your blog for some time now and feel sorry for the schmuck that didn't reciprocate your feelings. You are funny,witty, smart and I am sure pretty. I know these things suck- I recently split up with my wife, but I think everything will work out to the better for you, for me and for everyone in this situation. Would you rather have it happened later? A year from now? Probably not. Cheer up.

Xavier Onassis said...

"Relationships do require work"

Yes and no. I sort of think that if a relationship is working and "meant to be", it shouldn't require all that much work. It should just click. If both of you are constantly struggling and compromising to hold it together...I don't know.

But then I've been divorced twice and haven't even scratched the surface of my Disasters in Dating series. I'm sitting at home alone and blogging at 11:30 on a Wednesday night. How smart can I really be?

The only thing that I know that is absolutley true is that you can't ever stop taking chances.

No matter how badly you've been hurt, you have to be willing to put it all out there and possibly be hurt again.

Once you build The Wall and say Never Again, you start accumulating cats and newspapers.

There truly is someone for everyone. The world is full of people looking for love.