Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Hot and Heavy

The other day, one of our techs was up to C.O. This means they have to sit at the patient bedside to watch them. This is employed in special cases for a myriad of reasons: patient loony and high risk for falls or pulling lines out, suicide attempts. The purpose of the C.O. (constant observer) is to make certain the patient doesn't hurt themselves. This could very well be the most boring job on the planet. So boring, in fact, that many a C.O., will bring something to do. Some bring homework, some bring a laptop, others may just bring a book to read.

Like I said, this tech was to C.O. that day and asked anyone if they had a book she could read. Another tech tossed her one of those cheesy sex novels. I made a face.

Me: Ugh! You actually read that crap?

Tech: Nah...I'll just skip to page 110 where things start to get interesting.

This started a discussion on cheesy romance novels and how, in no way, do they reflect real life. Particularly the sex scenes. Sex in cheesy romance novels is the stuff every bored housewife dreams of. No matter what the setting, characters,'s all the same: foreplay, heaving bosoms, faces flushing with pleasure, manhoods rising, clothes that seemingly melt away, passionate lovemaking that lasts hours and men that actually stay awake afterwards. Everything is just perfect.

Just once, I complained, someone should write a book that depicts intimacy in real life.

In a heated race for the bedroom, Steve tripped on the cat and hit his
head on the door jam. Ten stitches later...

Oral sex on the balcony was amazingly adventurous, he thought as he
leaned back into the wood railing. Just as he was about to have his romance
explosion, the rail gave way and he fell into the bushes below, his very
pronounced snap coming from his ankle. At that precise moment, Joe remembered his orthopedist was on a ski trip in Vail.

Arms and legs everywhere, they tangled into her unmade bed with ugly
green paisley sheets. Just when things started to get interesting, Sally fell
off the side of the bed and onto the cat. Later at the emergency veterinary
hospital, Sally was inconsolable. Jeff knew then that there would be no chance of a hummer that night.

Dan slowly stripped off his clothes, watching Katie carefully as he
done so. There, in the candle light, Katie squinted her eyes. She flushed...with
embarrassment. Judging from the looks of Dan's rising manhood, she would be
breaking out the toys later after he left.

After a night of passion on the couch, Lisa studied herself in the
mirror. Her lips swollen from Bob's stubble that he claimed was a goatee. On her
neck, was the biggest hickey she had ever seen. A huge nest of ratted hair on
the back of her head. Lisa groaned. That would be the last time she would ever
sleep with the pizza delivery boy.

Unable to resist their mutual attraction, Kim and Ted staggered into
his bedroom, tearing off their clothes as they done so. Five minutes later, both
lying spent in bed, Ted got an excited look on his face. "Law and Order is on!"
he exclaimed, while reaching for the remote.

After turning on a cd that played smooth jazz, Diane slowly stripped
off the black teddy she just purchased earlier this week, starting with the
matching thigh-high stockings. Jack watched while clutching a bag of Freetos,
his eyes widening. Diane bent over, giving Jack a full view of her generous
booty. Diane felt a grumble in her tummy, and before she knew it was going
to happen, before she could stop it, Diane let out the biggest fart

Sean tossed back the rest of his beer, and studied Amber thoughtfully. Sure, she was chubby and ugly, but she appeared eager and enthusiastic. He calculated that it had been at least 4 months since the last time he got laid. "Hell," he thought, "Beauty is just a light switch away. Besides, there's nothing on television tonight."


Shicho said...


they were at it hot and heavy when she reached out to the the night stand for the little bottle of amyl nitrate. slowly, carfully she brought it closer to her nose...and spilled it on her face. the sensation was incredible and she orgasmed multiple times. but the amyl was still working and her head started to pound and pound and pound - she was a fraid she was having a stroke and finally she begged him to take her to the emergency room...

so, 'he' did. this was in Denver and the hospital was the Denver Gun and Knive CLub.

Janet said...

OMG! Fucking hysterical! I love it!

And I read romance novels! They're so impractical, but they still make me so horny that I go jump my hubby. He likes it, told me to read every day!

Can't imagine why. /giggles

Erin said...

So funny. Nice work!

Well Hell Michelle said...

Heather, you could try writing a sarcastic smut book... I think you'd get a kick out of it. Maybe we can get a group of people together to write one? While we are inebriated? ;)

KC Sponge said...

I'm all for it, Michelle!

I'll just pretend I'm making the stories up. =)

Faith said...

I got all into a romance novel once when I was working at Ann Taylor in Cambridge, MA. I had 1/2 hour "lunch" breaks that I would read it during...found it in the back breakroom once early on in my employment there. I actually looked forward to reading it every shift. :D

And I have to say that in the Kim & Ted scenario, you could replace those names with "Faith and Fiance" and that'd be my personal romance novel. Except it'd be Top Chef coming on t.v...and it's more like 10 minutes. (I'm slow.)

Anonymous said...

While we are inebriated...hahahha

Thats funny Michelle.

Spyder said...

Too funny!

Joe said...

you're killing me.

IDigSmartLadies said...

All the "normal" romance novels are set in historical times, far-flung locales, or involve ultra-rich or powerful people. Has anyone yet created a series of romance novels built around a trailer park? Think about the plot twists and turns you could throw in!

Anonymous said...

that was really funny

Midtown Miscreant said...

""Beauty is just a light switch away."
A great line and words to live by.